How to Do It
What do the women want?
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
Most men tend to have a lot of angst about their equipment—generally of the “quantity” and “quality” of said gear… I have some related “quantity” and “quality” questions. Both about the equipment per se, but about the “output”: the amount (and taste) of cum produced.
My first question is: What is the general consensus among women, as to their preferences on quantity produced? Do they like or enjoy seeing their male partner produce noticeably larger amounts of ejaculate (irrespective of where it is deposited)? Or do they not tend to have a visceral reaction to that? (One significant other has said that she prefers there to be less of it although I notice when there IS a LOT of it, she tends to admire her “work.”)
My second related question is: What methods or techniques can or will help the male to produce more output at the climax? Porn stars like Peter North have been famous for their singular ability to produce massive output. Was he just genetically gifted in some way, or did he use some regimen (dietary, workout, etc.) to achieve his astounding results? Or is that kind of output just the result of incredible willpower and/or body control during sex, that allowed him to refrain from climaxing for extremely long periods? Or does holding out for longer during sex—or going longer between having sex—even factor into the amount of output a male produces? Or is all that cum in adult films just a mirage produced with artificial substances?
My third related question is: What (if any) measures can tend to make the taste of one’s cum more palatable (or even pleasant) to one’s partner? I have regularly heard that drinking more sweet fruit juices (especially pineapple) can make one’s ejaculate taste better (maybe even sweet). Is this true? And, if so, what regimen is necessary to affect this change in one’s output? What substances have the best effect? How much, how often? Are there any substances to be avoided to prevent unpleasant aftertastes?
—Spouting Off
Dear Spouting Off,
You asked so many questions and the answer to most of them is: Depends. In general, there’s not a lot of usable data on what women want, since that population (roughly half of the world’s) is so large and varied. If the general consensus among women is that a tablespoon of semen is a desirable amount, but your partner wants a quarter cup, what good would that data be anyway? No consensus about virtually anything beyond the very basics of connection (respecting consent, general consideration) is worth more than the desires of your immediate partner. That said, there is some (self-reported) data regarding ejaculation during sex to women and it is, unsurprisingly, generally important, according to this study. Note that the questionnaire on which this study was based did not inquire about semen volume but its very existence.
Another reason why the information that you seek is perhaps less useful than you would hope is that there’s not much you can do to change the size of your loads. Consistently large ejaculations are the result of a condition called hyperspermia, which is something that you either have or don’t. It’s rare and its causes are unknown (some researchers have hypothesized that it could be the result of prostate inflammation). There are anecdotal accounts of supplements and herbs helping increase sperm volume. As sound as the reporting may be (and that’s highly dubious), there hasn’t been a single sperm-boosting supplement identified. After all, every body is different. Edging may help you work up a big load, as may extended abstinence. Personally, I find if I’m horny for an extended period even without edging, when I finally come, it tends to be larger.
Incidentally, your reference to Peter North says a lot here—what you see in porn, particularly that of North’s ‘80s-‘90s heyday, has been engineered for men’s preferences. Certainly, there are women who enjoy massive geysers of cum, but also certain is that straight men do as well. (As for whether it’s all a mirage is still up for debate and likely varies—though some productions do reportedly dabble in artificial semen.)
Altering semen taste is also going to be subjective. This is an experiment for you to try yourself (hope you like eating your own cum!). Generally, citrus fruit juice has a reputation for sweetening things up, particularly pineapple, as you reference. Things like drugs, smoking, and alcohol are understood to affect semen’s taste negatively (I can always tell when the sperm that just hit my tongue belongs to someone who was drinking the night before). How much how often? Who can say? You probably don’t need to, like, pound pineapple juice day and night. Maybe have some repeatedly a few days before you plan on having sex, or incorporate it sporadically while in an active period. Other things that may make your sperm taste more like ass are cruciferous vegetables (like broccoli) as well as asparagus. But I’m not going to tell you to avoid vegetables because they’re good for you and anyone who’s planning on tasting sperm should be aware going into it that it’s not exactly going to be Michelin star-worthy, even at its best.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 29-year-old woman in a just-over-one-year relationship with a 32-year-old man. We live together (11 months officially) and communicate well. Overall everything’s been great, except for the sex. We haven’t engaged in the act for just over six months at this point, despite previously engaging almost daily. The was a sharp drop-off and then things flat-lined. We’ve talked about it and neither of us is happy with the lack of sex, but we have different approaches to it. He had been in therapy for some time for performance anxiety-related ED before we met (although had to stop and isn’t looking for a new therapist). He has chronic pain, not newly diagnosed, but flaring more than it was previously, and some seasonal depression. As far as he’s concerned, he knows “why” his libido dropped and sees the issue as something to wait out.
My approach was initially to let him do that. Managing chronic pain is difficult; I have a chronic illness myself, but for longer, and have had more chances to adjust at this point. And giving him some time to let the seasons change seemed OK. But at this point, both issues are doing better and the sex issue isn’t improving. I’m feeling less OK with continuing to do nothing. I’ve asked him to talk to his doctor as the illness he has is linked to ED and he hasn’t. I’ve tried engaging him in foreplay, but he’s not interested in anything more significant than a light kiss and cuddling. If I try to kiss more deeply or sit on his lap, he stops it. I know he only sees PIV as “actual” sex, so I think he gets caught up in the performance anxiety of foreplay equals he has to get hard immediately. I’ve brought up that PIV doesn’t have to be the goal of intimacy or the only type of sex out there. He used to love oral but that’s also a no. I’ve tried to talk him out of that mindset, but no dice and he hasn’t made efforts to find a new therapist to address the performance anxiety. He also insists on a TV in the bedroom, which I feel cuts into our quality time together and the potential for intimacy, especially as he likes to sit on his phone at the same time. He’s not willing to remove it or even leave it off without complaining. I feel like it’s been on a lot more than it used to be. I admit that the TV bothers me a lot at this point. I’m also debating pushing for a sex therapist for us as a couple.
I feel at an impasse right now because I don’t want to push too hard and make him more anxious about engaging intimately as that will not help with the performance anxiety situation. I do want to emphasize he is a very supportive and engaged partner in every other way and we both want to stay together long-term, but I’m starting to feel more disconnected from him with the lack of intimacy. He’s said it’s important to him too. I just wish I saw more effort on his part to change things. Is it worth pushing for any of the things I mentioned, or any other advice on how to get us out of the slump? Or do I need to give him more time?
—Intimate With Anxiety
Dear Intimate With Anxiety,
Your frustration is understandable—I think you need to make sure the terms of the deal you’ve struck (effectively speaking) actually have not been met, though. Your partner has asked you for time and though you think the pain has dulled and it’s gotten sufficiently warmer outside, does he? To be clear, I don’t think you should put up with him putting this off indefinitely nor should he be moving the goalpost willy-nilly, but he asked for time. If not enough time has passed for him, you should check back in and ask for an ETA. Let him set the terms, but make sure those terms are honored on both sides.
And speaking of, has he agreed to see a doctor/therapist and is now dragging his feet, or are those suggestions of yours that he has ignored? Those are two very different scenarios. If it’s the former, he’s committed to a course of action he has not taken; if it’s the latter, you can join the rest of the HTDI writers who are exasperated that their partner won’t get treated for something treatable but have no real leverage to force the issue. Incidentally, visiting a sex therapist as a couple may be your best bet for getting him in front of someone who can handle this issue directly.
The TV in the bedroom may be responsible for further disconnection, but I think it’s just as likely that it’s a symptom of his greater sexual apathy and that if your sex life were to revitalize, it wouldn’t make a difference either way.
Consider ways to expand the conversation. Him being doctor-shy is disconcerting—perhaps you will understand his behavior better if you ask him why he isn’t going to a doctor about this stuff. Maybe his excuse will strike you as bullshit and lazy, or maybe there are sincere feelings attached to his inaction that will at least foster some empathy in you. You can up the stakes by telling him in language as plain as you told us how you’re dealing with the situation. “I’m starting to feel more disconnected from you because of our lack of intimacy,” is a way of letting him know the consequences of the path he’s chosen. Such information could prove galvanizing.
Something else you can do is give him a hard deadline—in X many days/weeks/months you want to see him take some kind of action toward repairing your sex life. Tell him that you’re pushing hard for this because you believe in him and your shared sexual connection. Offer your support and potential help and revisit the conversation periodically (but not too frequently—I’d say a weekly check-in seems reasonable, depending on his comfort levels).
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Dear How to Do It,
I am separating from my husband who I was with for eight unhappy years with very minimal sexual contact (he sought that out with other women). My problem is I do not remember how to kiss. It’s been four years. Before dating him, I had an active and mostly satisfying sex life with different monogamous partners, but that was a different stage in life.
I’m now a 36-year-old mom of two young kids: I don’t even know how or where I could seek out practice in making out. I have no interest in casually dating different people to learn. I have no friends close enough that I could ask to practice. I have googled “techniques” but it seems geared at teenagers. I think I can figure out actual sex when it comes down to it, but the kissing has me so embarrassed that I’m afraid to even go on a date. I’m deeply lonely and want to have that intimacy with another person again. What can I do to have that need met?
—Practicing With My Hand Isn’t Working
Dear Practicing With My Hand,
Some people seem to believe, in objective terms, in good and bad kissing (and sex, for that matter), but I think they’re mistaken. This is an almost entirely subjective realm. Sure, violations of consent and inconsideration for one’s partner (and their pleasure) are unwelcome pretty much across the board and could be considered as objectively “bad” as it gets in sex, but basically, everything else exists in a gray area that may or may not be welcome, based on a partner’s taste. I write this in the hope that it frees you and allows you to think about kissing differently. There’s no standard to aspire to. There’s no wrong technique. Some people want all tongue, some people want none, and some people want to give you all of their tongue. It’s about how you work and fit with the person that you’re with.
That being the case, use kissing as an outlet of self-expression. How do you feel inclined to kiss? You might be very lippy or not. You might move your head passionately or remain relatively static. You may be handsy during the makeout sesh or refrain from probing. I think meeting your partner halfway and attempting to emote via their lens (say they don’t like to open their mouth too wide, or clearly are not tongue-oriented, or prefer slower and passionate to a more frenzied vibe) can facilitate passion. Sometimes partners will even give you verbal feedback, which you can incorporate or reject (the latter while, usually, deducing that this is not meant to be). I think where people fail here is when they don’t express themselves through kissing, so as to give the look and feel of a dead fish. Otherwise, do you. If that means you don’t like to kiss very much, well, that’s OK too. Don’t be afraid to watch videos that you consider remedial for help, since as you admit, you are somewhat behind here. I think experience, your own fire, and confidence are going to be the most useful elements. Keep in mind that you can always take a break and ask the person you’re kissing if they’re enjoying it or if there’s anything you can do differently.
—Rich
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