In Lalalaletmeexplain’s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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This week, Lala advises a reader who is dealing with a jealous and obsessive boyfriend
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Dear Lala,
Before I met my boyfriend I was friends with a guy I met through work. We were spending a lot of time together and I suggested giving dating a try. Despite agreeing, the dating never progressed, there was never any intimacy. When I met my boyfriend I told him about the previous situation and said that we’d remained friends. My boyfriend then gave me an ultimatum to never speak to the other guy again or he would end the relationship. A month into the relationship my boyfriend went through my phone without permission and found two texts to the previous guy – a thank you for a job advert he sent and a merry Christmas sent by me which the guy didn’t respond to. Since then my boyfriend has said he believes me to be a liar, a cheater, untrustworthy, disloyal and not someone he sees a future with. I feel he is being completely unreasonable? Am I wrong?
The reader tells Lala that her boyfriend has offered an ultimatum after going through her innocent texts
(Image: Getty Images)
Lala Says,
You’re not wrong, he is being unreasonable and I would highly recommend getting out now whilst he’s giving you the opportunity. If he believes that you’re a disloyal, untrustworthy, lying cheater who he doesn’t have a future with then you should categorically never be in a relationship with this man again because nothing good will come from it, and it would more than likely be a harmful one.
I suspect that he doesn’t actually want this to be the end, he wants to use this as leverage to control you. You know you haven’t done anything wrong, you want to be with your boyfriend, not your colleague, so your boyfriend’s accusations are designed to make you want to prove yourself to him, to show him how loyal you are, so you’ll cut people off, and eventually stop going out. It’s textbook coercive control.
He is clearly paranoid and insecure, both are big red flags. I do understand why he feels jealous and worried about your friendship with someone who you wanted to date. I don’t think that part is unreasonable or irrational, many of us experience jealousy and insecurity. But there’s ways of communicating your feelings of insecurity to a partner without giving ultimatums and sneaking through their phone. If anyone is showing signs of being untrustworthy it’s him! Going through your phone without consent is a violation. If anything, you’ve been too honest! You were real about your friendship history. If his initial jealousy was followed by some self-reflection and good communication then that could be resolved, but jealousy with name calling, going through your phone and attempting to control who you associate with can’t and doesn’t need to be resolved. It needs to be run from…
Lala advises the reader to lean on friends for support who will help remind her that he is toxic
(Image: Getty Images)
I’d say that you need to listen strongly to the ‘doesn’t see a future with you’ part if you’re considering remaining with, or going back to, this man. He might still ruin the next few years of your life whilst knowing that he will never take you seriously. Trust is at the heart of any good relationship and there is no trust here. At best he’s emotionally unintelligent and needs therapy, at worst, this is the start of a pattern of control that could be really dangerous and hard to leave.
Get support, talk to friends, speak to a domestic abuse support service like National Centre For Domestic Violence if you feel you need to, especially if he doesn’t make it easy for you to leave or there have been other signs of control. It sounds like you’re still in the early days of your relationship so hopefully you will be able to block, delete, and move on.
Though he is being unreasonable, it is not for you to try to prove that to him. You don’t need to prove him wrong, let him be wrong. Trying to prove yourself will leave you in a position where you’re locked in a battle going round in circles, but it will also leave you vulnerable to promising all sorts of levels of submission to get him to go back to trusting you, vying for his love again at any cost. Being single for the rest of your life is better than spending even a year being ground down by a partner with unfounded paranoia. Don’t put yourself through it. I am sure that my comments section on Instagram will be full of people who wish they’d run at the first sign of misplaced jealousy. Heed their warnings. If you feel yourself wanting to get him back at any cost then write down everything you’re feeling, reach out to your support network – your friends who will remind you that he was being toxic, and also come back to the comments whenever you need a reminder. BDMO!
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