These were the real rules of courtship in the ‘Bridgerton’ era

Courtship: It’s the subject of Jane Austen novels, historical romances, and popular series like Netflix’s Bridgerton.

From the first blush of attraction to the final vows at the altar, courtship during Britain’s Regency period—which lasted from 1811 to 1820—was equal parts romance and business, when men pursued and wooed women in the hopes of finding someone to marry.

But what exactly did courtship entail? Here are the steps that Regency-era men and women had to follow to make it through a successful courtship.

Step 1: Enter the marriage market

During the Regency period, which was part of the larger Georgian era, marriage wasn’t just a milestone in adulthood; it “was the crucial building block of society. It was the site on which […] positions of status were reproduced and carried on into the future,” says Sally Holloway, senior research fellow at Oxford Brookes University and author of The Game of Love in Georgian England: Courtship, Emotions, and Material Culture.

(Was Queen Charlotte really Britain’s first Black queen?)

For elite families, the perfect opportunity to find suitable spouses was during the so-called London Season, when everyone who was anyone came to town. The Season lasted between winter and spring when Parliament was in session in London. High society used their time in town to see and be seen at an endless whirl of balls, assemblies, dinners, and entertainments.

In this way, the Season acted as a “marriage market” for the elite.

Step 2: Meet the right kind of people

According to Holloway, the average marrying age was 24 for women and 26 for men in the long 18th century.

Once you were ready to seek a spouse, the London Season’s balls and assemblies created opportunities to meet people. Arguably the greatest stage in the marriage market was Almack’s Assembly Rooms, where some of society’s most eligible spouse-seekers came to dance and socialize. Regency chronicler Captain Rees Howell Gronow described Almack’s as “the seventh heaven of the fashionable world.”

Almack’s Assembly Rooms, pictured here, was the epicenter of courtship in the Regency era. This exclusive club only permitted those with wealth, connections, and rank to attend its balls.

Photograph by Look and Learn, Peter Jackson Collection/Bridgeman Images

A committee of high-ranking society ladies served as patronesses at Almack’s, and they determined who got into the club. They were notoriously persnickety. Gronow grumbled that the patronesses’ “smiles or frowns consigned men and women to happiness or despair.”

(Jane Austen never wed, but she knew how to play the marriage game.)

By admitting only select applicants with wealth, connection, and rank, the patronesses created an exclusive space in which fashionable families could ensure that their sons and daughters met potential matches who were the right kind of people.

Ballroom etiqette

Balls and assemblies provided an ideal place for young people to meet, even as strict rules of etiquette bound ballrooms.

People expected to dance with multiple partners during a ball. Indeed, dancers were advised to change partners after every other dance.

Only men had the right to ask someone to dance, though a woman’s friends and family might encourage a man to extend an invitation to her. Women had the right to refuse an invitation but there was a catch: If a woman rejected a dancing partner, it was polite for her to reject other invitations too.

Dancing gave people a thrilling opportunity to touch one another’s hands—appropriately covered in gloves, of course—but it was the only chance they had to do so. Even greetings and partings were conducted without physical contact, as men and women bowed and curtsied to one another.

Step 3: Look for a good match

Fashionable families wanted their sons and daughters to marry spouses who were equal in terms of wealth and rank, but these weren’t the only considerations.

“There was a widespread celebration of romantic love during these decades. You would want to marry for money, but also ideally for love, for someone that you could have a long-lasting, happy, loving partnership with,” Holloway says.

Compatibility was especially crucial in a world in which divorce was rare. As Holloway emphasizes, “Divorce required an act of parliament. Once you were married, that’s it. So it really was important to make the right choice because your happiness depended on it.”

Step 4: Give feelings time to grow

Once a potential spouse had been identified, then the actual courtship might begin. The man would ask permission to begin courting, and the woman had the right to accept or refuse.

A typical courtship may last one to four years, according to Holloway. During that time, a couple would get to know one another through a range of activities. A man might take tea with the woman and her family, or the couple might go on a walk together with a chaperone, whose presence protected a woman’s virtue.

(The turbulent love story of Napoleon and Joséphine.)

Indeed, the rules for how a couple could interact with one another in the early stages of a courtship protected women from premature familiarity or intimacy. Couples initially didn’t call each other by their first names, for example, and a woman couldn’t pursue a man; a man needed to make the first move, though a woman’s friends and relatives could encourage him.

Step 5: Be a good correspondent

One of the ways Regency-era couples gauged their compatibility during a more serious stage of courtship was by writing letters to one another. This was especially true of couples who lived far apart. “It was all about building a bond,” Holloway says.

Sending and receiving letters was also a test of intention. “It was important to be a reliable correspondent because it showed that you were a reliable partner in life.”

Step 6: Give appropriate gifts

Gifts were a crucial part of courtship and ranged from books and perfume to highly symbolic presents like rings.

One of the most cherished gifts? Hair. “A lock of hair was an incredibly intimate

physical gift because you’re literally giving part of your own body to another person. Hair never decays, so it’s a symbol of eternal love,” Holloway says.

Would you give your beloved a tiny framed portrait of your eye? British couples exchanged them in the late 18th century. But the greatest gift of all was often a lock of hair—a symbol of eternal love.

Photograph by Christie’s Images, Bridgeman Images

“People talked in their letters about taking locks of hair to bed with them, kissing them, talking to it as if it was the absent lover.”

(How diamonds became the iconic stone for eternal love.)

It was important that gifts were timed to the correct stage of courtship. “You can’t open a courtship by giving someone a lock of hair,” Holloway says.

Additionally, gifts had to be in good condition. A man shouldn’t give a woman wilting flowers or food that had spoiled, since it may have been an indication that he was careless. 

Step 7: Negotiate the terms of marriage

The final stage of a courtship was the engagement—when the focus turned to negotiating the marriage settlement. A marriage settlement hammered out the legal terms of a marriage, including inheritance rights, allocated money for the wife, and provisions for widowhood.

Engagement brought more security to a courtship––and potentially more intimacy. As Holloway explained, “Once an engagement was seen as secure, there might be a time when you moved to greater sexual freedom.” She estimates that up to one in three brides may have been pregnant at the time of their wedding.

Throughout the courtship: Avoid scandal

One of the biggest threats to any courtship was a scandal.

Scandal came in different guises—a man who abandoned a woman at the altar; a woman who eloped without permission; an unengaged couple caught in an intimate embrace—but the outcome was the same: gossip that would damage a family’s name or a person’s standing in society.

Elopements generated significant gossip. A popular destination for elopements was Gretna Green, a village located just over the Scottish border and not subject to England’s marriage laws. Gretna Green was the Las Vegas of its era, making it a popular destination for quickie, clandestine weddings.

There could also be financial repercussions for scandal. “If a man left a woman after promising to marry her, she could sue him for monetary damages for her feelings,” Holloway says.

Fortunately, the majority of relationships didn’t end in scandal. Instead, the ideal courtship would end at the altar, when a couple would begin a new chapter as man and wife.

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