Image: Bethesda / Kotaku
Following the release of Amazon’s live-action Fallout TV show, it seems everyone is playing a Fallout game again. Even Fortnite is adding Fallout content soon. It seems like the post-apocalyptic franchise is bigger than ever thanks to the recently released hit series.
So, with people talking about and playing all the Fallout games again, that naturally means a lot of discussion has happened, again, about which Fallout game is the best. People are ready to let you know that actually, Fallout 4 isn’t good, or that Fallout 76 is better than you heard. And you might even encounter some Fallout 3 fans out there, spreading the gospel that Bethesda’s first Fallout game is great. If you encounter these people, and I’m one of them, here are some tips on what not to say to them.
Screenshot: Bethesda
Are you in a rush or something? How about you relax and enjoy being born and growing up in a vault, okay?
It’s actually a really neat way of introducing the concept of Fallout’s vaults to people who might not be familiar with the franchise—which was most people when Fallout 3 launched. And hey, just save right before you enter the open world. You know, when the game lets you change everything one last time. Then start every new game from there, like most Fallout 3 fans.
Screenshot: Bethesda
Hey now, come on. Sure, a lot of Fallout 3 quests amount to “go here, chat, kill, grab, return” but there are plenty of other memorable quests in the game. Tenpenny Tower and the ghouls, the Survival Guide sidequest, and uh…oh that one quest where you can burn a tree-man-mutant to death. That was certainly memorable!
Oh, wait, what about that awesome side quest where you help ghouls go to space to escape the planet? Shit, that was in New Vegas. Oh actually, I loved that quest with cannibals in the casino…oh wait. That was also New Vegas. Okay, let’s move on.
Screenshot: Bethesda / Fallout Wiki
Sure, you might want NPC companions to be interesting, spouting plenty of cool dialogue, and possessing memorable backgrounds that help you better connect with them. But what if they didn’t have that stuff? You might say that’s bad. That these NPCs are bland. I’d argue they help you focus on the world of Fallout 3 instead of getting distracted by good writing or fun character quirks. So thanks..uh…fuck, I forgot their names, but thanks nonetheless Fallout 3 companions.
Screenshot: Bethesda
…okay fair. I got nothing for that one.
Screenshot: Bethesda / Fallout Wiki
Do you like smashing hammers on your fingers? Do you like eating broken glass? If so, you are clearly a masochist, and the pain you’ll endure suffering through the poorly optimized and super buggy PS3 version of Fallout 3 will be a great experience for you. I’m happy you’re happy, truly! For everyone else: Buy Fallout 3 on PC and get some mods.
Screenshot: Bethesda
Oh, I’m so sorry the post-apocalyptic nuclear hellscape that is the “Captial Wasteland” of Fallout 3 isn’t more colorful or pretty enough for you. I’m sorry that after that millions of people died and human civilization was vaporized—and while survivors live in a constant state of fear and starvation—you have to look at some brown textures and green-tinted buildings.
How about this: Instead of complaining about Fallout 3’s drab environments and dreary landscape, you embrace it and become immersed in the dead world Bethesda has crafted.
Screenshot: Bethesda
Hey, welcome to 2024. We have had DLC for years now that retconned the last main quest’s sacrifice decision and got around that stupid—I mean, completely understandable and well-written—ending where your companions who aren’t phased by radiation tell you to fuck off and die.
Screenshot: Bethesda
You’re annoying.
Screenshot: Bethesda
Uh…wait… what? *Boots up Fallout 3 and plays for 12 hours*
Huh…holy shit, I never noticed that. Yeah, that’s weird. Okay. I mean the game is still good and you’re wrong for pointing out any flaws, but I’ll admit it’s weird. Happy?
Screenshot: Bethesda / Obsidian
Oh yeah, I’m so excited to play through New Vegas and its giant, empty, boring desert filled with annoying enemies, bugs, and repeated dialogue. No, thanks! I’ll take my boring green subways instead.
Screenshot: Bethesda
I didn’t realize I was talking to someone who hated Alaska! Wow. That’s a bad look. Also, come on, Mothership Zeta was fun, too. Don’t be so mean. Okay. I’m a Fallout 3 fan. Life’s rough enough for me most days.
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