This is so stupid.
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So instead of my usual FTWD review, I decided to just write out my thoughts in real time as I watched this terrible, terrible episode. I hope you enjoy experiencing it with me. Let’s dive right in!
SANCTUARY
No insulin but plenty of oxygen tanks.
This sniveling guy is so annoying.
How did they get from wherever they were to the Sanctuary so fast? No sense of place!
Why is the same building Negan used, that was abandoned ages ago, being used as a bad guy fortress again? Do the Alexandrian people not hold sway in these parts now? Why doesn’t Dwight go to Alexandria for help?
“You stole from us. Now an example needs to be made…starting with the other side of your face!” Not. How. People. Talk.
All the extras and bit parts they get are so poorly acted. Just so, so bad.
Diabetic dude died and turned that fast from…not having insulin? Shut up, FearTWD. Shut your stupid face.
“I tried to make it right, Daryl” as if Dwight hasn’t had another person say anything meaningful to him for the last ten years. Not agonizing over his dead (bird) son, but over some random line Daryl said ages ago?
Oh and now Sherry just shows up out of the blue. “We need you!” June shouts like an actual moron. Not. How. People. Talk.
I hate how Sherry calls him “D” like do you need to shorten the name Dwight from one syllable to one syllable? Shut your stupid face, Sherry.
Oh cool, June is teaching Sherry how to do stitches. Next week she’ll be doing brain surgery!
Oh they’re here to get him to help with Troy. What is the geography of this show???
I like how disinterested Dwight is in all of this. I would love if this episode ended right now with him telling both of them to piss right off.
Wait, where did this teenager come from? What’s her bird name again?
“Every time I try to make something right, someone gets hurt.” This is the entire formula of TWD and FTWD. Dwight keeps dropping truth bombs. Go Dwight!
Oh yeah his name was Finch.
“Why do you want to fight for that?” Dwight says about Padre. YES
Shut up Sherry. Just shut up. Sherry is the worst. Worse than Morgan even. Worse than Madison even.
“What do you think Finch would say if he knew his father walked away from kids who needed him to protect them?”
GOD YOU ARE A MANIPULATIVE PIECE OF DUNG SHERRY
Oh her name is Dove, like the soap. Neato. Why are they still using Padre’s bird nicknames? This pterodactyl wants to know!
Um, she’s hurt—shot!—but when they come to help her she says “No I don’t need your help.” WHY?
Oh cool another Mexican standoff, we sure haven’t had enough of those this season.
Do we really need another villain group in the last few episodes? Troy isn’t enough?
What is the point of this episode exactly?
Sherry’s all surprised about the Sanctuary but SURELY she would know they’re near the place they both lived for years…
Suddenly June can’t treat a gunshot wound so they have to make this stupid trade.
Actually, Sherry shooting at that guy was pretty cool. I forgive Sherry a little bit. But only a little bit.
Ha, “it never ends!” Dwight says. He’s like Daniel last episode with all this meta commentary on how stupid this show is. Love it.
I’m glad everyone still has bullets. That makes lots of sense!
“We probably have an hour before they get here” what? Where is this coming from?
Lidocaine? For real? So many medical supplies everywhere somehow!
These glitchy flashback shots are almost as bad as Morgan seeing red.
Wait, June can’t do any operations because she’s traumatized or something? I really hate how they’ve written her character!
“He couldn’t even save his own son!” Oh shut up. Let this stupid Dove chick die. I think the creators of this show actually hate women because they write all of them so poorly.
She got shot in the side, how is the bullet close to an artery? I’m not a doctor but…um…wow. This is so dumb.
Oh my God it’s only halfway over!?!
They still call their own son, Finch. What. The. Heck.
Dwight has given up on this show just like me!
Blue Jay. Lol.
Dude, Dove, you have a bullet in you where are you getting all this energy from? Stop yelling. Take a freakin nap.
Oh we’re bring Rose back into this. If she’d survived her name would be Magpie or something.
Oh god, this is some really bad acting. PEOPLE DO NOT TALK LIKE THIS
Dove, you don’t shout “none of you can protect me” with a bullet in you. I really dislike this character but if she dies after Charlie dying last week I will riot. RIOT
Um, Sherry locked Dwight in his room for Padre? So she can go fight the zombies alone? He doesn’t even want to go back to Padre! Oh god this is so dumb. They’re gonna kill Sherry, who I despise, in a way I find insulting. This show is worse than bad. But hey, at least they get to talk on the walkie-talkies while it’s all going down!
I like the zombies with the metal melted on their heads, though. I mean, it’s stupid because that would have fried their brains, but it looks cool!
“I had it covered!” Sherry you’re an idiot.
“That’s BS!” Dwight says, which is the most succinct way to describe this show.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING WITH ALL THESE ZOMBIES AROUND YOU.
Oh good you got your walkie-talkie back.
Guess those bad guys showed up sooner than Dwight expected. I AM SHOCKED BY THIS TWIST
I just blanked out for a minute, sorry.
These bad guys are stupid and useless.
I’m thinking about that wonderful warehouse scene in Andor where it was collapsing and the bomb was going off and I’m reminded that Andor was a fantastic show and I’d rather be watching that again instead of this dreck.
Actually this bad guy leader could have been a cool character, but of course he’s disposable and dead right away because it’s a bottle episode. At the very end of the series we get a stupid bottle episode!
I’m so pissed Sherry survived.
I definitely don’t want another teenage girl to die after last week but I really despise Dove a lot.
Out of the frying pan into the furnace. Cool bro.
This whole “I can’t” crap from June is so absolutely moronic.
“Sherry is right” okay Dwight nevermind, you had some truth bombs this episode but you’ve negated it entirely with this cringey cloying saccharine crap.
Nobody has this type of stupid conversation when there’s a horde of zombies attacking during a full collapse of a building.
“Do you trust me?” “Ask me after you get the bullet out, ok?”
I hope you all die.
Dramatic music.
If I hear the word Finch ONE MORE TIME
Just say no, Dwight.
Okay nevermind. “Maybe we can turn that place into what it’s supposed to be, the way Finch wanted it.” Go straight to hell, Dwight.
Wait, is Dwight asking June to be “part of their family” and are they going to have a threesome thing going on now?
Oh crap, he asked Dove also? Not cool, dude.
Her name is Odessa? IT TOOK THEM THIS LONG TO LEARN HER REAL NAME?
Dwight deserved a better show. I genuinely like his character but damn.
Strand and his stupid hat. Oh and is this Troy’s daughter?
More German, cool. Cool cool cool.
I am so sick of how many kids they use in this show.
SAVE PADRE
Oh shut up, Strand, you don’t even know what Padre is!
Okay, well, um, it’s over now. They’re playing the preview for next week. “It’s about Padre!” Strand says, like an idiot. Madison has her stupid sledgehammer. So excited for the next episode how can I wait a whole week for it!?
I can’t watch them talk about the episode after, it makes something very stupid even more stupid, miraculously.
Pterodactyl out!
P.S. I’m pretty sure the 45ish minutes it took me to watch this episode while writing real-time reactions was more time than they spent writing the script!
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