Women leaders who tell their own stories expand the possible narratives for other women and girls … [+] everywhere.
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In a recent episode of The Moth, two relatives — a bereaved, elderly great uncle and his recently disinherited gay niece — kindle a friendship and start to record their family tree, guided by the uncle’s memories. When he didn’t remember a name or story, they’d just draw a blank line to fill in the gap, hoping he’d remember later. Runa, the niece telling the story, recounts: “I suddenly realized something. All of the blanks were women. All of them — reduced to a line connecting them to a man. Someone’s wife, someone’s mother, someone’s sister. I guess the 1700’s and 1800’s and the 1900’s weren’t a time where women had the sort of adventures that people recorded and celebrated and told stories about and passed down through the generations. And I guess the stories and adventures they could have had were limited.”
This is what the saying “history is written by winners” looks like in practice: the stories of women reduced to a blank line. Or worse than no story, a completely wrong or harmful narrative could be told.
“The Kiss,” the iconic photo of the sailor celebrating the end of WWII with a kiss is an example of this. Decades later, Greta Friedman, the woman being kissed, shared a different version: “I did not see him approaching, and before I know it, I was in this vice grip!” The image that has been immortalized in American history — believed to tell a story of joy and liberation — actually portrays sexual violence. The sailor, having had a few drinks, thought it was his prerogative to grab a beautiful woman and forcibly kiss her.
Everyone Has A Story To Tell
Everyone who has accomplished something or beaten the odds — whether it be in their career, a hobby, as champion of a cause, or caring for an ailing relative, etc — has a natural platform to tell their own stories. To define their own legacies. To demonstrate to others what their lived experience has really been like.
The truth is no one knows your story until you tell it. They may know the facts and milestones of your career — how you’ve moved up the ranks and became the VP of Marketing — but no one knows their significance. Our stories give meaning to the facts on our resumes.
This is why women must tell their own stories — and why everyone who has important women in their lives or counts on the success of women must care about whether or not women are telling their own stories.
Why Women Are Less Likely To Tell Their Own Stories
Despite the myth that women are seen as gender with “the gift of gab,” decades of research has shown that men, especially men with power, do the most talking, and, therefore, most of the storytelling. Even when women attain leadership roles they still do less talking. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant explains: “Why didn’t having status and influence lead women to be more vocal? Experiments showed that women weren’t worried about building rapport. They were afraid of being perceived as too dominant and controlling, which is exactly what happened when they did speak up. Gender stereotypes persist.”
When women can be penalized for simply talking, not telling your own story can seem like a reasonable answer. Further, many misconceptions about storytelling add hurdles for women leaders. Women may view storytelling as bragging. They don’t want to be seen as an attention seeker. Nor do they want to trigger jealousy in others.
In addition, many think they should tell stories of “us” not “I.” It can make some women uncomfortable to draw attention to their own successes, which allows their stories to go unnoticed by their colleagues and bosses. Many women in leadership want to use their platform to empower others, and they mistakenly believe that by telling their own stories they are elevating themselves, rather than lifting up others.
These misunderstandings can have severe implications. It can contribute to furthering workplace gender bias. Research shows that even when women outperform their male colleagues, they are less likely to get a promotion or raise because they are less likely to be perceived like leaders, and more likely to be seen as loyal and agreeable (so they will stick around if they don’t get the promotion or raise).
By choosing not to tell their own stories women are leaving a valuable resource untapped — the imagination. Stories told by women leaders can help people unlearn gender bias. In their book, Women and Leadership, Australia’s former prime minister Julia Gillard and Nigeria’s former finance minister Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, put a fine point on it: “Part of enabling women to see and embrace this better future, to imagine themselves achieving in the world of work and the task of nation-building, is women’s leadership.” Women leaders who tell their own stories expand the possible narratives for other women and girls.
In the next article, you will read the stories of women, women leaders who have used their platform and storytelling expertise to share insight, lead with confidence and build a legacy for the women and girls around them.
But for now, think about this. What story are you going to tell?
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