Divorce can help reduce conflicts between parents, but it often puts a lot of pressure on the children, making them grow up too fast. Even after a divorce, kids still have their mom and dad. But when someone new joins the family, the dynamic changes dramatically.
A girl shared her story and asked for advice on whether she did the right thing.
“My parents got divorced when my siblings and I were in middle school/high school. We’re now in our 20s. Dad got married 2 years after the divorce. He met his wife and married her in 6 months because she was planning to move back to her home state, and he didn’t want to do the long distance thing.
So we didn’t really know her when he told us they had eloped in Vegas. She, however, thought we were all super close and was really disappointed when our reactions were pretty muted to their news.
This started her off being jealous of my mom. She was jealous of the closeness we had with mom. Then she was jealous of the fact we got along so well with our mom’s partner (and we’re still close) even though mom and him never got married.”
“Dad’s wife started showing up all glam to school functions and football games that we were involved in. She looked like she was attending a wedding or a red carpet. And she’d make snarky comments about dressing up to support ‘her kids’ while looking right at my mom.
She would throw us these lavish birthday parties and invite both sides of our family, and then attempt to dress us in matching outfits (the birthday kid and her). It always made her twitchy when we didn’t want to dress like her. When my twin siblings turned 16 and my sister and mom had matching necklaces, my dad’s wife actually went home to change and wore the same color dress as my sister.
She talks like mom is somehow less than her because she’s not remarried. She gloats that she has a ring on her finger, that she shares the same last name as us (the kids). Just all kinds of petty things. She’s someone we tolerate, but we don’t like her, and if we could exclude her from our lives without losing our dad, we would.”
“I’m getting married and so is one of my brothers (the twin). My dad’s wife has not been invited to any fittings, tastings, viewing, etc. by either my fiancé and I or my brother and his fiancée. But mom has been invited to stuff on both sides, and my dad’s wife was so upset by it.
She asked my brother about being invited to something first, and he said no, just no, nothing else, and she pestered him for a while before moving onto me. She broke down over it and said she couldn’t understand not being included in pre-wedding activities.
I told her she’s not included because her one-sided contest with my mom is pathetic and none of us want to deal with that. She said it was such a mean thing to say and all she’s ever tried to do is earn that spot as our mom, but we treat our mom’s partner who isn’t even our stepdad like he’s more important than her. She was crying harder while saying all this.”
Let’s see what people on the Internet are saying about this.
“I wish stepparents would understand that the best thing they can do to help their new family is take a step back and give the kids space to spend time alone with their parent. You don’t become a mom by demanding to be a mom, you become a mom by putting the kids’ needs and wants before your own.” Music_withRocks_In / Reddit”Adults don’t realize what kind of stress having separated parents put on the kids. You now have to balance 2 homes, 2 sets of rules, 2 sets of ‘dating partner histories’, and 2 sets of parents if they find someone (now leaving you with 4 adults). ‘Good Parents’ try to make this easier on the children, and children build bonds with the parents who make their lives easier/better, and shy away from the adults that make it worse.
OP’s stepmom is more focused on being the center of attention than making the children’s lives easier, and kids can sense these things. They grow up feeling like mom is using them for HER own benefit, and they feel like they have to spend more energy regulating HER feelings rather than focusing on THEIR feelings.
When you only have 2 parents who live together, that just becomes your ‘norm’, but when you have 2 households and at least 1 healthy adult who treats children like children/people, the kids will instinctively pick the parent that allows them to feel loved.” numbersthen0987431 / Reddit”‘You can’t earn our love if you don’t earn our respect, and you won’t have our respect until you learn to respect our mother and her role, by learning to stay in your place and acknowledge that we are her children, not yours. Being married to our father matters to him, not to us. What matters to us is respect for our mother and our desires, and for many years you have showed neither.’
I’d answer something like this, and this is diplomatic me.” SirDaeltanFernagdor / Reddit”This sounds so exhausting, and I’m sorry for you and your siblings. It also sounds like it has been a long time coming, and your father should have seen this behavior a LONG time ago and addressed it.” BruceShark88 / Reddit”Your brother has the right idea. No is a complete sentence. Do not feel compelled to explain your no in the future. Hope both you and your brother have wonderful weddings. Give your mom a huge hug for having class and style in dealing with your dad’s wife.” Tinkerpro / Reddit
“She asked why, you told her. She’s a grown woman, her behavior is just toxic and bizarre, you obviously will have your brother’s support, don’t explain further, don’t argue, go ‘stuck record’, and keep repeating just what you’ve said already. Hope you and your brother have lovely weddings.” TeenySod / Reddit”99% of problems I see between kids and stepparents come when the kids are forced to see the stepparent as a new mother/father figure. She is your dad’s wife, and nothing more to you because she tried to force it. I’m betting that your mom’s husband hasn’t forced you to see him as a 2nd father, which is why you have a better relationship with him.
You’re not emotionally supporting kids for your stepmother. Her ‘trying to earn the spot’ of mother is nothing more than her ego. She should have focused on forming a real relationship rather than forcing you to feel a certain way about her.” Visual-Lobster6625 / Reddit”You were just truthful when she asked. It’s a shame that your father didn’t take a greater role in intercepting her antics.” RoyallyOakie / Reddit”Sounds like you’re dealing with a narcissist pretty well so far. Hopefully, everyone else (especially your father) who sees her understands that she’s playing narc games and understands why she isn’t being included.” C_Majuscula / Reddit”Where has your dad been through all of this? I would have been so embarrassed to see my spouse act like this. Surely, other people must have noticed? Does he just play the ‘happy wife, happy life’-card, or does he think she has a point? Either way, you are allowed to have a wedding without that sort of nonsense interrupting the event.” Stormandsunshine / Reddit
Joy’s teenage daughter is becoming distant, and she finds out that her ex-husband and his wife are influencing this change. To make matters worse, her daughter now calls her stepmom “mom” instead of Joy. Read more here.
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