What is a unicorn in dating, you ask? You’ve heard the term before: Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones once called it “being the guest star,” and Britney Spears wrote a whole song about it. But basically, a unicorn is the third person in a threesome wherein the other two participants are in an established relationship of some sort.
And while the term is sometimes used to connote a single, sexually available bisexual woman open to hooking up with a heterosexual couple—a so-called rarity—anyone can be a unicorn. They’re not as mythical or difficult to find as the moniker makes them sound.
“In real life, there’s a lot more diversity of gender, of sexual orientation, of interest,” says therapist and sex educator Rachel Rennie. “Straight couples aren’t the only ones looking for threesomes. Certainly bisexual women aren’t the only people who are looking to hook up with couples.”
And unicorns aren’t necessarily single either. In some cases, fooling around with a third who’s in a partnered, nonmonogamous relationship of their own can be a major plus. Below, get the scoop on how to attract—or become—a unicorn with tips from some of Glamour’s favorite sexperts.
So what does it mean to be someone’s unicorn?
What is a unicorn in dating? An existing couple might choose to invite a unicorn into their bedroom (or vice versa) for one encounter or many. The role is flexible, but generally speaking, unicorn dating is a casual sex arrangement.
“A unicorn usually just means the third in a threesome, not a relationship,∏ says sex educator and professional dominatrix Lola Jean. “Because I feel like if you’re going to have a third in a relationship with a couple, that’s a triad. With the unicorn, usually it’s really just looking sexually—for sexual gain. Which is not to say that there aren’t feelings or relationship involved, but it’s not going to be the same as a triad.”
Former unicorn Meredith Clark sums the role up as “dating a couple” because, while she could have conversations and “individual relationships with two of them,” she “wasn’t there to have a relationship with one or the other. I wasn’t there to create a situation that was equal between all three of us.” She’s the “something extra,” as she puts it.
Why do couples want a unicorn?
A couple might choose to have a threesome with a unicorn for a myriad of reasons. The most obvious of which is that it can be genuinely hot and rewarding for everyone involved.
“The fantasy of it is that it’s someone hot and nonthreatening,” says Rennie. “Somebody who wants to fool around with both partners, who is open and sexually adventurous, and who will disappear and not be a threat to the couple in any way.”
There’s a popular belief (or reigning myth, rather) that having a threesome with a unicorn poses less emotional, physical, and existential risk to a relationship than nonmonogamy. “The assumption is that it’s going to be less of a threat if you’re doing something together than opening your relationship and dating or having sex with other people,” says Lola Jean. “And that’s really not true. Honestly, I think it’s way more complicated than having an open relationship because of the couple privilege, the two-versus-one dynamic.”
How do you tell whether a couple wants you as a unicorn?
You can hunt for a unicorn or a couple to hook up with on any dating app or dating site, but your search may be more fruitful on Feeld, the app formerly known as 3nder. That’s where Clark decided to look for a relationship à trois after her wedding was canceled.
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