For the past 8 years, my husband and I have been living together, but interestingly, we’ve chosen to sleep in separate bedrooms for about 7 of those years. This decision doesn’t stem from frequent arguments or having children (as we don’t have any). It’s simply because we prefer it this way. When you establish your own rules in your marriage, you might encounter societal stereotypes that make you question whether you’re doing things wrong.
The origin of everything
One morning, I woke up alone in bed, even though I was sure my boyfriend had been beside me when I fell asleep. Curious, I quietly went to the adjacent room and found him peacefully sleeping on the couch. I decided to address it later and brought it up during breakfast. Our conversation went something like this:
— I noticed you went to the other room last night. What happened?
— Well, I couldn’t fall asleep. You were tossing and turning and breathing loudly, and every time you moved, I woke up.
— Oh, I had no idea I breathed loudly.
The same thing happened the following night—falling asleep together but waking up separately. So we had another conversation, and we realized that it was challenging for us to sleep together. My boyfriend remembered all our arguments due to lack of sleep: his snoring, me waking him up, resulting in his irritability from lack of rest. Once, I even accidentally poked my boyfriend in the eye during a bizarre dream.
Additionally, we discovered that our sleep schedules were completely different. At the time, I had a flexible work schedule that allowed me to be most active in the evenings and at night. I could stay up watching movies and reading books until around midnight and would wake up between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. On the other hand, my boyfriend needed to be at work by 9 a.m., so getting a good night’s sleep was crucial for him.
After considering these factors, we decided that sleeping in separate bedrooms would be the best solution for us, luckily, we had enough space in our home. I’ll admit that I initially didn’t share the same perspective as my boyfriend about sleeping separately. It felt strange because I was accustomed to people sleeping together.
Ultimately, our arguments almost disappeared completely, as most of our reasons for arguing were no longer present. We both became calmer and our ability to work together improved significantly. Previously, it was a struggle for both of us to get up and get ourselves organized, but that changed after we started sleeping separately.
Scientific research and studies
To gather more insights, I decided to delve into the scientific literature. I found a book called “Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing” by sociology professor Paul C. Rosenblatt. In his research, he discovered that sharing a bed often contributes to developing psychological issues and can even lead to sleep disorders like insomnia.
Professor Rosenblatt interviewed numerous married couples and found that the bedroom tends to be a source of tension in many households. Couples frequently argue over seemingly minor everyday matters, such as whether it’s acceptable to have pets in bed or engage in activities like eating while in bed.
According to the professor’s findings, most of these issues could be easily resolved by sleeping separately, but the societal stereotype that sleeping together is more natural persists. Another sleep expert, Dr. Neil Stanley, highlighted the selfish nature of sleep during a speech at the British Science Festival, stating, “Sleep is a selfish activity. Don’t share it with anyone.”
Psychologists also suggest that sharing a bed with someone can be bothersome for men. It is ingrained in their nature to protect their sleeping space from potential threats. When someone is next to a man at night, he may struggle to fully relax. Sleeping together can prevent the nervous system from fully unwinding and resting properly. Although this may not be the case for everyone, it was certainly true for my boyfriend, who found sleeping alone much more comfortable than sharing a bed.
The distressing opinions shared on women’s forums
Upon reading numerous comments, I discovered that the old-fashioned stereotypes surrounding sleeping together still reside within us. Our grandmothers, for instance, believed in various signs and superstitions that had the potential to harm a marriage. One familiar example is the notion of not sleeping until making amends. The idea of sleeping separately or not vacationing together can be quite shocking.
I used to believe that in the 21st century, there would be nothing surprising left regarding relationships. However, I couldn’t have been more mistaken! Even today, sharing the same bed with the same blanket remains a significant aspect.
Changes for the best
Our lives have greatly improved over the 7 years that my husband and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms. We even decided to get married after around 5 years of sleeping separately. It seems to me that having our rooms allows us to sleep well and fosters independence, as everyone desires some alone time occasionally.
Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to share the same bed with them. As for intimate relations, I see it as entirely separate from sleep. However, we have a habit of entering each other’s bedrooms before bedtime, exchanging kisses, and saying goodnight. Moreover, to compensate for the lack of physical contact, we often lie in bed and hug during the day.
When we go on vacation, we typically don’t book separate rooms; instead, we share a room. However, we prefer to book a room with two single beds if possible. Some of our friends expressed skepticism and mentioned how it would be difficult for them to fall asleep without embracing their partner. Others thought it was cool but couldn’t try it themselves due to limited space in their tiny apartments.
Dealing with our relatives was a bit more challenging. My mother-in-law felt quite sad and remarked that it was unfortunate that we couldn’t sleep together anymore. On the other hand, my mother said, “Live as you wish, but when you come to visit us, bring two sets of bedsheets.”
Not only regular people have tried it.
According to a survey, around 31% of respondents were interested in sleeping separately. This finding aligns with a study by the National Sleep Foundation, which revealed that nearly one in four American couples sleep in separate beds or bedrooms.
Interestingly, not just regular folks opt for separate sleeping arrangements. Even celebrities like George and Amal Clooney prefer sleeping alone. In their case, George’s loud snoring and Amal’s light sleep make it more comfortable for them to have their own sleeping spaces.
Advice
The most important thing I’ve realized is that all couples are different, and there is no one right answer on how to build a family life. Talk to your partner if you are uncomfortable and know how to improve the situation. Make sure your partner understands that there is nothing personal about your decision, it is just more comfortable for you this way.
Sleeping separately could not work for every couple. However, it is not uncommon among married couples in Japan. It is quite prevalent and accepted as a normal practice. On our website, you can read more about how many teams in Japan choose to have their bedrooms or sleep in separate beds within the same room.
Please note: This article was updated in March 2022 to correct source material and factual inaccuracies.