Dear Prudence
And it’s not the first time.
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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Shannon Palus, Slate’s features editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
Recently, a man told me minutes into our first date that he’d read my work. I’m a writer and have written for several well-known magazines, but I’m not famous—I just have a really uncommon first name. Because of this, it’s really easy to find me online. After we’d matched online, my date had Googled my name plus writer, found my website, and read half a dozen pieces I’ve written—including several personal essays about things like the death of a friend, or being intermittently homeless in my 20s.
This happens all the time. Once, someone waited months to confess that they’d not only read my work before meeting me but had intentionally peppered the conversation when we first met with niche things he knew I was interested in because I’d written about them. Unlike that guy, my recent date wasn’t trying to be manipulative. He felt embarrassed and offered to tell me a lot of personal stuff about himself so it would feel like we were both over-exposed and vulnerable. It worked—I walked away feeling like it was the best date I’d had in years. At least until he ghosted me, leaving me feeling like my work and I were being rejected. I know this is going to keep happening. What am I supposed to do when it does?
—Intimate in All the Wrong Ways
Dear Intimate in All the Wrong Ways,
This is the tough thing about publishing personal essays, or creating any kind of art that is publicly available—your work self and the rest of you can become intertwined in confusing ways. There’s no way to completely prevent that from happening; after all, as a writer, you pour yourself and your experiences into your work. There are ways to create some distance, though. I have developed a line that has really saved my sanity here and there. If someone in a social situation brings up a piece I wrote and I don’t want to talk about it, I will say, “I had to think about that so much for work, and I’m off the clock now.” And then I change the subject. It’s a little brusk but it’s effective. Next time a first date reveals they have Googled you, deflect a bit, and see how that feels.
But, I will say, it’s not all bad. One of the first times I hung out with my now-husband, in a group of friends, he mentioned to me that he had read a long piece I’d written about my fear of public speaking, and we had a short conversation about it. He hadn’t looked it up on purpose or anything, and we didn’t get together until a while after. But I look back on it as an early sprout of our relationship. And I love that. I felt, and still feel, so deeply seen and special around him.
On some level what you are asking doesn’t have much to do with your writing at all. It has to do with the fact that someone can get to know you, and then reject you. Which is part of the pain of dating, generally; there’s no escaping that. Being known is a risk. But it is also a gift. And if this kind of rejection happens again, just remember that whatever dude who dumped you is not your editor, and has no say whatsoever in your career.
How to Get Advice From Prudie
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I are trying to plan a holiday together and I am at my wit’s end. Planning with her is difficult at the best of times because she’s very easily excited, tends to go off on tangents, and makes spur-of-the-moment decisions. This time, she invited several friends of hers to join us without consulting me, we then made very elaborate plans with them, and then they all changed their minds and we had to start from scratch, so she made dinner plans with another set of friends in a city we hadn’t planned to visit. That is adding 10 hours of travel to a week-long trip that has been cut to five days because she also bought tickets to a concert in our home town, again without consulting me.
If this was an isolated incident, I would be annoyed but it is part of a long pattern of fickle behavior with scant regard for it impacts the people around her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s adorable and her spontaneity and immense passion are wonderful… BUT I am furious and exhausted. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she just gaslights me, accuses me of “freaking out” and points out that we’re blessed and I am complaining about having fun. I simply do not want to keep on doing things like this but I am unsure how to proceed. Do I stop going on holiday with my wife? Refuse to engage? Throw a massive strop? I proposed couples therapy but she says I’m being ridiculous and petty. What do I do?
—Just Done
Dear Just Done,
Tell her you want to plan one goddamn vacation yourself. (But keep the “goddamn” silent.) You book the hotels and sketch out the basic itinerary. She can have a say in where and when you go, and is free to tack on other things—a jaunt to a cafe, while you’re resting!—but the actual logistics and core itinerary are all up to you.
Compromising on the details of each vacation is just not working, or even happening at all, because your wife is derailing things. So try taking turns in how you plan trips. You plan this one; she plans the next one. And when it’s her turn, completely release control, and let making the trip happen be her responsibility.
I bet it’s a lot of fun for her to make all these plans (and maybe even part of what attracted you to her in the first place?). It might be easier to tolerate—even enjoy—the chaos if you know you’ll be in charge the next time around.
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Dear Prudence,
I’ve volunteered with a lovely organization for many years now. I applied to one of their rare job openings. The organization has a great mission, it was the most easily accessible way for me to pivot into a new career, and it came at the perfect time for me to leave my boring current job. I was a qualified candidate and worked very hard on my application; I reached the final round of interviews, but they hired someone else.
I need advice on how to healthily work through these feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. I still love this organization and know I could keep developing some important skills as a volunteer. But I think it’ll feel very unpleasant to watch the candidate they chose working on exciting projects while I trudge through my own full-time job to spend a few precious hours volunteering each week (it’s a small organization so I will have to collaborate with them).
I also feel scared, because if I could put so much effort into an organization and an application but still get rejected, I don’t have much hope for getting anything more competitive. My self-confidence was low before and now it’s even lower. I feel overwhelmed by all the flashy skills I could be working on right now and feel like someone will always be more capable anyway. I know I’m far from the first person to deal with this. How do I move forward?
—No One Likes Rejection
Dear No One Likes Rejection,
It might feel and seem like this role was your only option for making a career pivot, but that’s just not true. There will be more opportunities on the table, if you keep looking for them and are flexible about what might work for you as a next step.
Right now, you just need to find a way to keep moving forward. You say you think it will feel very unpleasant to work alongside this candidate—I would just try it out, and see if that’s true. It will sting at first, but it might end up being a lot more tolerable than you think. You might even enjoy working with them! And if it is truly unpleasant, you can take a break from volunteering with this organization, or even change organizations, down the line.
I would also take this opportunity to get some feedback from the organization on your path—and ask for more from them. You made it to the final round. The work you do is valuable to them. Once the sting has lessened, talk to them about what could improve your candidacy in the future (if they do not have another opening anytime soon, this will come in handy for job applications elsewhere). Tell them that you are really passionate about finding paid work in this field, and ask if they have advice for you about what your next steps might be. It depends on what the dynamic is like, but you might consider asking if it’s possible to turn your volunteer position into a paid part-time job with them.
It might not feel like it now, but applying was an important and good step in your career—even though you were rejected. Going through the application process allowed you to practice your interview skills, as well as strengthen your understanding of and connection to this organization. Applying for a job is, often, not just about the one position. You never know what doors might open later because you went through this process.
—Shannon
Classic Prudie
I had a wedding planned for the end of July that my fiancé and I decided to cancel. We live near his family and decided we would all quarantine for two weeks and then have a small family celebration when everyone’s in town next month. I’ve always dreamed of a big wedding, so I’ve been going back and forth. That was until my fiancé’s brother, Tom, got here.
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