Coming Into His Own

Gulshan Devaiah may not be the epitome of ‘masculinity’ but his choices, both on and off screen make him a true hero. As someone who has shied away from speaking about sex and sexuality in the past‚ he admits to being more comfortable about such conversations today

Actor Gulshan Devaiah’s filmography may look like a carefully-crafted strategy to break barriers but the actor, who has played pivotal roles in meaningful films and shows including Hunterrr, Dahaad, Badhaai Do, A Death in the Gunj or even Mard Ko Dard Nahi Hota, never consciously decided to go against the grain. 

“I’d be lying if I said I was conscious about it. But yes, I was always very inclined to try something new. I am an actor and this is my craft and I am dedicated to it. Sometimes, it has a new meaning or perhaps serves as an inspiration for other people,” he says.

It’s hard not to notice that his characters have an endearing quality—they aren’t stereotypically heroic but come across as real and authentic, often defying the conventional definition of masculinity.

“In terms of physicality, masculinity doesn’t have to be about hair on the chest or ripped muscles and a deep booming voice. There are certain stereotypical ideas that define masculinity—for instance, not crying or not asking for help. I believe these are all exaggerated ideas of being a man,” shares Devaiah.

Lauding his contemporaries like Ayushmann Khurrana, Rajkummar Rao and Kartik Aaryan, Devaiah says that they are not particularly ‘masculine’ and yet have attained a certain level of stardom. However, this isn’t a new trend that has come up. 

Even the male stars of the yesteryears, including legends like the late Dev Anand, Raj Kapoor and Rajesh Khanna were not ‘hyper masculine’ in the way they looked or performed, in comparison to the hot- blooded Dharmendra or Amitabh Bachchan. 

“Sometimes, we forget that there have been icons in the past who have not been typical masculine men and yet have been heroes. I also try my best to get in touch with my feminine side even when I am playing inherently masculine characters,” he reveals. 

The Duranga actor recalls watching an interview a few years ago, where ace screenwriter and lyricist Javed Akhtar had spoken of being in touch with his feminine side. “It’s internal; almost emotional and cerebral. A lot of men are afraid or believe that being feminine means having mannerisms of a woman,” he quips. 

As a young boy, Devaiah would often be called names or shushed if he ‘cried’. He was also ridiculed by older males in the family because he enjoyed spending time in the kitchen. At that point, he didn’t think much of it but as he grew older and gained exposure to new perspectives, he realised it’s not ‘bad’ to be in touch with one’s emotions. 

It’s not just cinema but also Devaiah’s personal life, where he is gradually working towards shedding inhibitions and becoming more comfortable about conversations on sex and intimacy. 

“I agree there aren’t many men who are talking about sexual health and intimacy; instead, there are more discussions around masculinity. It’s hasn’t been easy for me too; I think I am still learning.” 

Most times, the environment in which men are brought up does not encourage open conversations around sex. The introduction to the subject is either through porn or peers that often projects sex differently. That’s exactly what happened with Devaiah. 

“I was clueless about sex. In fact, we would giggle if the word was even brought up but I think you learn with time. Apart from access to the right kind of material and of course, experience, women also teach men a lot of things about sexuality and being in touch with their feminine side. I have been fortunate in that sense,” he confesses.

However, not discussing issues around relationships and intimacy can also lead men to suffer in silence, later impacting their dynamic with their partners.  Has Devaiah faced that too? 

“I must admit I was reluctant to seek help and speak to a professional. It took me a while to convince myself that there are certain things that are spiralling in life, getting out of control. I was getting anxious and that’s when I reached out…This was related to my relationship,” he says. 

“I wish I knew better, to have reached out earlier in my 20s. If I would have spoken to a therapist much before, I believe I would have been in a better place to handle pressure that comes with being in a relationship,” continues Devaiah. 

Contrary to general perception, speaking to a counsellor can provide alternative perspectives about relationship or intimacy issues. However, a fear of judgement prevents most men from seeking professional help, particularly if it’s something deeply personal. 

“I am getting more comfortable…The first time I had to speak about it, I must admit I didn’t want to. With time, I realised they aren’t judging my masculinity or my lack of masculinity,” he says.

Our conversation also somehow leads to Hunterrr—one of his early films–where his character Mandar Ponkshe is obsessed with sex. He points out that there may be similar men in real life who may be unable to talk about sex addiction without being branded a ‘pervert’. 

“I remember watching a documentary… you will be surprised to know young people in their 20s get addicted to masturbation. Several men who try to speak about their problem are often told “you are an ugly man…you wouldn’t get sex…”. But that’s not the case, it can happen to anyone…It also happens to men who are considered conventionally good-looking. Such people suffer endlessly,” Devaiah reiterates.

“But I think that’s also an issue with men….we continue to harp on log kya sochenge [what will people think?]… We suffer more in our heads than in reality; this prevents us from sharing things with a parent, child, a friend or any loved one,” he adds. 

Elaborating further, he confesses that experience has taught him that communication and commitment is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. The Shaitan actor recently confirmed dating his ex-wife, Kalliroi Tziafeta after the couple underwent a divorce in 2020. They tied the knot in 2012. 

While divorce is generally perceived in a negative light, Devaiah has a different view. “Some of my friends can’t even look at their former partners. But does divorce really have o be a bad word? Divorce can sometimes save a relationship. It did in my case, the love I have for my partner.” 

But how did they get back together, particularly when a tumultuous shared history between a couple can lead to a rocky reunion? Devaiah quips, “Frankly, I wasn’t trying to give our relationship another chance. In fact when we legally separated, I didn’t want to be affected by it. We have common friends so I always felt we should be able to meet each other and be friends.” 

“Once you get past the pain and hurt, you realise there is a foundation of love that exists,” he shares, adding that he and his partner never decided to “repair the relationship”. Instead, they wanted to start ‘afresh’.

If one tries to pick up from where they left, the triggers are bound to resurface. However, Devaiah believes it’s better to be conscious of not going deep into the past and instead accept it. “Use the knowledge you already have to help build a better relationship with each other.” 

He also opens up about how when he would previously get hurt, he would have this overwhelming urge to hurt back. He is slowly trying to change that. 

“When you get conscious…instead of saying something stupid, you become more mindful. I would rather prefer to be vocal now and say “I am sorry but this is hurtful” instead of snapping at them,” says Devaiah. 

Whether sex or relationships, Devaiah admits to not knowing it all, but he’s open to learning new perspectives. 

“I didn’t have access to a lot of information that people have today due to social media. Today, professional help is also readily available, sometimes even to deal with specific things around sex and marriage. I had to learn everything the hard way and probably much later in life. A lot of young men are comfortable to speak about such issues and people like me learn from them,” he concludes.

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