How should parents talk to their kids about a mass killing involving children?

In conversation with psychologist Dr. Caroline Sullivan, in the aftermath of a mass killing in Barrhaven.

Published Mar 07, 2024  •  Last updated 1 hour ago  •  4 minute read

Dr. Caroline Sullivan is the founder and co-director of the Child, Adolescent, and Family Centre of Ottawa and a full-time psychology professor at the University of Ottawa Photo by Provided /ott

Six people, including four children, were found dead inside a townhouse in Barrhaven after a mass killing Wednesday night. It took place near Berrigan Elementary School, Monsignor Paul Baxter School and Longfields-Davidson Heights Secondary School.

This newspaper spoke with Dr. Caroline Sullivan, founder and co-director of the Child, Adolescent, and Family Centre of Ottawa and a full-time psychology professor at the University of Ottawa, about how parents and guardians should speak with their children about trauma and violence.

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Q: When should a parent bring up violence and trauma with their child?

A: In terms of scary news, it’s always better to bring it up yourself to see what they know about it because we want to get ahead of it before they hear it from others. Kids are good at exaggerating a little bit or it becomes a a case of broken telephone. Parents who don’t speak [about] scary things is scarier for kids.

You can say something like ‘The world is a very big place and from time to time you might hear people talk about scary things that happened in the news. You can always talk with us if you hear about anything that upsets you.’ We can ask what they’ve heard and how do they feel about it? Does it make them feel upset? Are they worried it’s going to happen again or to them? What’s their fear? So really just opening up the discussion so they have a chance to express and know that it’s a safe thing.

When we don’t talk about scary things, it can be perceived by kids that it’s not okay to talk about it—and that increases the fear.

Q: Does age play a factor in how in-depth you speak about violence and trauma?

A: It depends on the age and it certainly depends on what they already know. You want to correct any false information and you want to give them a chance to talk about how they’re feeling. Validate those feelings. Let them cry, if they want, let them express the fear and then reassure them that they’re safe.

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Q: Are there any warning signs a parent should be watching for?

A: Some kids will express it outwardly. They might cry. They might act out. They might have behavioural issues. Or it can manifest itself more internally: avoiding situations like not wanting to go to school, not wanting to be away from parents, clinging to parents. Again, [it might be] fear that something might happen to them or to their parents if they’re separated, so they want to keep an eye on them. That would be a kind of normal thing we would see.

Some kids regress or they start behaving younger than their age, or more clingy, or less independent perhaps than they were. They might have difficulty sleeping. They might be crawling into bed with their parents in the middle of the night. They might have a hard time eating.

I’d say for teachers and families to keep a close eye on the kids wehn there’s a change in functioning, where things look different than they normally do for that child. And for the ones that are manifesting behaviourally, you want to be very careful not to react to the behaviour or punish it.

Q: How do we move forward?

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A: With kids, they can have a delayed impact. Their body absorbs what’s happening and they sometimes need to process it in pieces. You don’t want to overkill it either. You want to give them a chance to process it in small doses.

If people feel kids need support, there are a lot of great resources online. I would go to eMentalHealth.ca, there’s some great info sheets there on what to do when kids are exposed to scary things. That’s all research-based tips. They can also do 1Call1Click with CHEO for a very quick appointment online for kids under the age of 12. There’s Crossroads Children’s Mental Health Centre for kids over the age of 12. There’s the Youth Service Bureau, including a walk-in clinic that gives you, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, immediate access to support. I would also suggest the Distress Line.

But they don’t need to see a professional unless it’s starting to cause a lot of problems, getting in the way of everyday life and not getting better over the few coming months. But most people don’t need a professional. They just need a very safe, supportive caregiver who will spend quality time with them, keep them safe and give them an opportunity to express how they’re feeling.

Mr. Rogers always said, ‘In cases of tragedy, look for the helpers.’ So have conversations with kids about the positive meaning or hope that can come out of an event like this. It’s an opportunity for conversation around hope and change in humanity.

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