When a friendship falls apart, it hurts. But losing a pal (or multiple) because they can’t come to grips with your chronic illness—something you have no control over—can be particularly gut-wrenching. Symptom flare-ups, emergency hospitalizations, strict medication schedules, along with the emotional rollercoaster all that brings, can strain friendships in ways that make you question your self-worth.
“I’ve lost many people in my life who I once thought were my friends because they couldn’t fully grasp the extent of the challenges I face,” Jaime-Lee Raphael, 22, from Gold Coast, Australia, tells SELF. Raphael, who has arthritis, inflammatory bowel disease, a heart valve disorder, and soft tissue sarcoma in her head, face, eyes, and ears, often has to decline or cancel plans because of her conditions. The people in her life can’t always empathize and have even said things like, “I’ve done so much for you already.” “Friends with a full bar of health eventually shift their priorities elsewhere,” she says. “The more insensitive comments they say, the more abandoned and disconnected I feel. Am I that much of a burden?”
Whether you’ve recently lost a close pal or are considering cutting one from your life, it can feel bad. Here’s how to cope when “friends” just don’t get it—plus some good reminders about trust, loyalty, and most importantly, self-love.
Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.
There are a lot of uncomfortable, yet totally valid, emotions that happen when someone you care about isn’t on the same page as you: grief, anger, resentment, and shame, to name a few. Take a minute to accept how you’re feeling and recognize that this is normal, says Katie Willard Virant, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist practicing in St. Louis, Missouri, who has lived with Crohn’s disease since she was a teenager. Giving yourself the time will help you let go of all the “should haves” and “could haves” that can make a loss like this sting even more, Willard Virant tells SELF. After all, people are going to do what they want, no matter how much it hurts you.
And even though it’s easy to do, try not to fall down the rabbit hole of blame and isolation as you mourn, warns Kerry Hill, MFT, a therapist in Pennsylvania who frequently treats people with chronic conditions and has dealt with epilepsy for 12 years herself. Reach out and check in with other people in your life instead. “That way you don’t feed into that cycle of something’s wrong with me,” Hill says.
Know when it’s time to end a friendship.
Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to bid farewell to the relationships that no longer serve you—even if it hurts like hell. “Be ready to let some people go. It’s just a part of life, regardless of whether you have a chronic condition,” Jonathan Mathias Lassiter, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City who specializes in treating people with chronic conditions, tells SELF. He was born with sickle cell anemia, so he knows firsthand how difficult this can be. “It doesn’t have to be about animosity,” he says. “Things evolve for a reason. You’re doing this to grow in a way that prioritizes your health because you have to.”
Jaime-Lee Raphael, 22, from Gold Coast, Australia
Sam Nozuhur
Raphael learned this lesson the hard way. When she was diagnosed with a schwannoma in her scalp—a rare tumor that can cause symptoms like hearing loss, facial paralysis, and trouble swallowing—and sarcoma, her best friend started distancing herself. “She stopped checking in and reaching out. From my point of view, it became too much for her to deal with, almost like, ‘I don’t want someone that ill in my life,’” says Raphael, who, at the time, was dealing with debilitating symptoms from her other chronic conditions, as well as chemotherapy, radiation, and various other cancer treatments. “I would almost beg her to message me, but she would never answer my calls. I remember asking myself, Why on earth am I begging my ‘best friend’ to care?”
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