In Lalalaletmeexplain’s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Lalalaletmeexplain is here to answer all of your sex, relationship and dating dilemmas
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Dear Lala,
I feel sick. I’ve been seeing this guy since early May when I met him on Hinge. He stated on his profile that he was looking for a long-term relationship and that he “doesn’t want to rush into intimacy”. This really attracted me to him as I’ve had multiple bad experiences with men on apps where we’ve slept together fairly early on (two to three dates in) and they’ve ghosted or faded out after sex. This guy seemed very different to the other sex-obsessed men on Hinge. We connected on a soul level, we both wanted the same things and he spoke openly about his desire for marriage and children soon.
The first few times we met we went on proper dates, for meals and to the cinema. The last few times I saw him was at his home. Once the dates moved to his place, we did become intimate, but we never had full sex. We both agreed that it was best to wait. On our 10th date we discussed the fact that we now wanted to be official boyfriend and girlfriend. It was such a romantic night and it felt right to sleep with him. We spent the whole next day together in bed and I left feeling ecstatic and in love.
To my utter shock and horror, I have literally not heard from him since, it’s been 19 days. He’s blocked me from his Instagram, he’s left my WhatsApps unread and hasn’t answered my calls. The man has completely disappeared. I can’t think about anything else. I feel sick with anxiety all the time, I’ve become obsessed with trying to have contact with him. Where do you think I went wrong? Why won’t he even give me an explanation? Why isn’t he giving me closure? And how do I get over being ghosted in this horrible way? How could he do this to me?
One readers says that a person they went on 10 dates has suddenly started ghosting them
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Lala says,
I know it’s a cliché but ghosting like this says far more about the ghoster than it could ever do about the ghostee. With this kind of emotional entanglement everyone knows that it’s morally correct to let the other person know that it’s over, even if you lie about why to protect their feelings. There’s no question that this is a brutal betrayal of the bond that you built together and that it’s an incredibly cruel way to treat you, that’s the main thing you need to remember about this man, his nasty behaviour. He has low level communication skills, zero emotional intelligence, at worst he’s been calculated and knowingly love bombed you into bed under false pretences; and at best he’s gone off you for some reason and would rather leave you in turmoil than be an adult and give you closure. Those are not the character traits of someone who you could have a healthy, satisfying relationship with. Remind yourself that you haven’t lost out on the love of your life here, if anything, you’ve dodged a bullet.
The facts are that many a long-term relationship has begun with first date sex, when you have sex should be no factor in judging your character. However, the other facts are that we still live in a society where some men (the ones we don’t want) will make value judgements on women for having sex ‘too soon’. Some will lose interest if the ‘chase’ ends too early. There are still loads of things tied up around how women’s sexual behaviour is perceived, we’re a long way from equality. So, whilst we shouldn’t care about someone who judges us through a misogynistic lens, being judged through that lens still hurts us. You blamed the previous men ghosting on sleeping with them too soon, so you waited with this one and the same thing happened. I have countless women in my inbox who have experienced the same. It’s not you, it’s them. Sleeping with a decent man won’t put him off.
Lala says that the reader has “dodged a bullet”
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But I think it’s important to consider the fact that your ten dates happened over a very short period. I received this letter on 1st July. The last time you saw him was 11th June and you only matched him on Hinge in early May, so this all happened within the space of about five weeks. While you can definitely feel strong feelings for someone after five weeks and 10 dates, it’s still a very short time and it’s certainly not enough time to really know someone, or to be talking about marriage and settling. Things moved fast. You did nothing wrong by sleeping with him when it felt right, you did nothing wrong at all in this whole process, but you did perhaps fall for what appears to be a form of love bombing. Love bombing is usually a precursor to abuse, but in this case, it seems to have been used to get you into bed.
You can start to get over it by accepting it. Accept that there could be a million reasons behind it, anything from him secretly being married, to him getting the ick (if he did, it’s beyond your control and doesn’t mean that every man you date will get it). See his behaviour as deeply unattractive. Lean into self-care, do something every day that boosts your self-esteem. Stop trying to contact him and block him on everything so that you’re not waiting for him to contact you. You don’t need his explanation for closure, he doesn’t need to close this, you can. Do not leave the door open.
Lala encourages the reader to stop contacting the person and to block them on social media
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Therapy will help you, so will making a concerted effort to look after yourself, journal your feelings to process them, find things to be grateful for every morning and every night – tell yourself ‘Today I am grateful for…’. Look for the joy in things and treat yourself kindly. You’re grieving another loss, another disappointing and hurtful situation with a man, it’s traumatic. Give yourself time and work on acceptance and self-love. He will one day be a distant memory if you block, delete, and move on.
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