Dancer, choreographer, and model, Ivanka Das, who was earlier seen in the series, Bombay Begums, is currently winning hearts with her poignant portrayal of the feisty Rasika in R. Balki’s Ghoomer. Her other acting projects include, Bombay Begums, Maja Ma, and the more recent Haddi. She is a trans woman who was born a man and experienced gender dysphoria. She writes about becoming a woman after undergoing a sexual transformation and finding herself.
I am Ivanka Das and my life has come full circle. Yes, I have no hesitation in saying that I am a woman now although I was born a man. Of course, people would know me better for my role in the recently released movie, Ghoomer, for which I have won accolades. So, can I announce to the world that I have finally arrived? Yes, I think I can!
Yes, things are still far from ideal. Yes, I always get the roles of a transgender while I would prefer to play a woman or a trans woman. I want to play strong characters. I want to play a lead role. I think anyone can play any character irrespective of their gender; being an actor, you are acting out a character anyway. The job should go to the most deserving candidate. It should be talent and not gender or sexuality that should be the deciding factor – please take an audition, and then decide without any prejudice. At least check toh karo capability hai ki nahi. But yes, we are now getting roles, which in itself is a huge change and a big step forward.
Of course, I’ve had to struggle a lot to reach where I am today, and there is still a long way to go. Still, most people think that I am not a woman. But I am! I still face backlash and challenges on a daily basis… I have both men and women commenting on my appearance, which includes both my body and my choice of clothes. To use an oft-repeated cliché, “I have miles to go… before I sleep”.
And then there are the people who are perennially perplexed about why I call myself a trans-sexual. I have met people who have asked me, “Tum baaki transgender ki tarah kyun nahi ho!” That I feel is utterly disrespectful. First, you are comparing me and second, you are disrespecting the transgender community without actually understanding the differences between us.
I had been experiencing body dysmorphia in addition to gender dysphoria. That led me to identify myself as a trans-sexual rather than a transgender. If it were not for body dysmorphia, I would have been identified as a transgender. A transgender means someone who is born into one gender but identified as another gender, regardless of their physical appearance. As a transsexual, if my soul is female, I want my body also to be the same. Earlier, I used to hate my body. I never felt good about myself when I saw my intimate parts, which were that of a male. I always felt alienated, and wanted men to look at me as a woman. I wanted to live as a woman, get married, and do everything as a regular woman. Hence, I opted for surgery. But it was not an easy process. I’ve had to go through mood swings, hormonal changes, period problems… the works. I’ve had to face hormonal issues all 365 days. After surgery, I faced hair loss, bloating etc. For me, the healing took more time because my stem cells were weak and thin. But when I look back, it was all worth it as I am immensely satisfied with who I am today. When your gender changes, it changes your very identity. Now I am a woman, and have all the authority to live as one—the surgery awarded me this freedom. And, I want the society to look at me as a woman. Then again, as long as I am content with my identity and expression, I am at peace with myself. It doesn’t really matter what the society thinks. “To hell with the world!” I’d say…
The difference between trans-sexual and transgender hasn’t reached people, yet. Though the government and big firms have brought in that change with a new section/category, the masses are yet to be educated about this. A formal or legal change has been brought about but duniya tak abhi pahuncha nahi. People fail to understand and categorise us as “yeh toh transgender hai, ladka se ladki bana hai!” In fact, even most transgender people don’t accept the difference between trans-sexual and them–they consider us as one of them which, according to me, is technically incorrect. This is a matter of sensitisation. The sexual spectrum is very large and diverse to understand. In fact, my boyfriend too took time to understand the perspective. But now things are changing, albeit at a snail’s pace.
I think education is very important, and awareness in each and every part of the country is absolutely imperative. People are really not aware or educated enough to understand this, which leads to this kind of behaviour towards us.
All said, I am happy for what I am.
PS: Also, men need to refrain from thinking that trans women (like me) are easy and available because such women don’t get men to date… you are hugely mistaken MR!
As told to Ananya Ghosh
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