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InIn this week’s hit Lalalaletmeexplain column, Lala replies to a reader who disagrees with their husband over when they should tell their son the truth about Father Christmas.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
This is going to sound so stupid, but I really need your advice. My son is nine and still wholeheartedly believes in Father Christmas, which to me is very normal. My husband disagrees and thinks that nine is too old to still believe and is insistent on us no longer pretending and telling him the truth. He has so far respected my wish to let him keep believing but he keeps making really blatant comments in front of our son which make it very obvious that Santa isn’t real. For example, yesterday every time my son said ‘Santa’ my husband would say ‘Who? You mean me?’. My son took it as a joke, but I find it really upsetting that my husband is doing this.
I feel like children don’t get that long to be children and to believe in magic, so why take that away from them if you don’t need to? My husband takes a more macho view and I do think this is influenced by him being a boy because he has made comments about him needing to grow up and for us to stop babying him. But he’s nine, he’s not grown up. I want to treat him like a 9-year-old!
Who is in the right here? Is there an official right answer to this question?
One reader explains that she and her husband are in disagreement over when they should tell their child the truth about Santa
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Lala says…
This question doesn’t come down to black and white factual answers. It comes down to opinion and parenting style, which is one thing that I wish people would discuss and plan for before having kids because it’s a biggie! What we believe is right for children might not be the same as the people we end up having children with, and that can cause huge contention.
The Santa / Tooth Fairy issue might seem like a small one, but I remember hearing my parents have a screaming row about the Tooth Fairy when I was seven. My dad was raging at my mum for telling me that the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real, and I remember being sat at the top of the stairs hearing this whole argument and feeling so guilty. I went downstairs in the end and made them kiss and make up. Thinking about it now, they must have been so annoyed at being forced to kiss in that moment. Anyway, the point is that in their silly pursuit of winning the argument about what was best for their child they ended up causing their child to have a traumatic memory that she still recalls at age 42. I thought that their argument was my fault. They split up shortly after because he was cheating, but I was convinced that this incident had been part of their decision to split. The guilt and shame I felt was immense.
So, that is the first and most important thing here. Whatever happens, try to ensure that your child has no idea that you are arguing about this, and if he ever does, do everything in your power to make sure he knows that it’s not his fault. It would be more damaging for your son to grow up in a house full of stress and disagreement than it would for him to learn about Santa too soon.
Telling children about Santa isn’t a black and white decision, says Lala
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For what it’s worth, I think you’re in the right. I agree that there is only a short window for children to truly believe in magic and we should maximise the years that they get to do that if we can. If he still believes then there is no good reason to burst that bubble. I understand why you would want a child to stop believing by the time they reach secondary school. Once they enter Year 7 then there is a chance that believing in Santa could get the p*ss ripped out of them. Which is sad, but also, nobody wants their child to become a target, so I agree that if he still believes in Santa by the end of Year 6 then you should probably tell him, in the kindest way – I always find it works best to let them know that they can now become Santa. If you have any little ones in the family, you could get your son to help out with leaving out cookies and milk for Santa, if you don’t you could get him to drop off some food to a food bank or some gifts to a refuge. Make him feel like he still has a useful and magical role to play.
I would see if you can come to a compromise with your husband. Let him know how important it is to you to not reveal the truth just yet but agree that if he still believes next year or the year after, then your husband can tell him. Just try not to let it become bigger than it needs to be. As I said, it won’t damage him to find out, it won’t damage him not to find out, it will damage him far more to have constantly arguing parents. At some point we all find out that our parents have lied to us our whole lives about who brings the presents on Christmas Eve and we all eventually get over it. Your son will be fine. You can keep making Christmas magical no matter how old he gets and no matter what he believes. Christmas is about way more than Santa. I hope you all have a fabulous one.
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