My Mum, Your Dad has left TV fans gripped, but one contestant in particular has really caught the attention of viewers. Roger left viewers in tears earlier this week when he opened up on the show, which is hosted by Davina McCall, and recalled the tragic story of how he lost his wife Joanna to cancer.
Speaking of his loss, he told single mum Caroline about the heartbreak he faced just 18 months ago when his beloved wife passed away.
Here, Dr Alka Patel shares her insights into finding love after loss and praises My Mum, Your Dad for bringing the topic into the spotlight…
Dr Alka Patel has opened up to OK! about dating and bereavement
(Image: Supplied)
“My Mum, Your Dad is great at showing that people can find love after loss. We’ve got to stop judging people for their decisions. There’s no ‘right’ time to start dating after bereavement and people come at the topic from different angles.
From a philosophical perspective, grief defies timelines. There’s a whole labyrinth of emotions. You need to allow yourself to ask and explore what love means. There’s no one definition of what love is – some might believe that they only have one soulmate while others might believe that love is a boundless force. It completely depends.
You then combine this with the biological aspect of love and loss. If you look at something like the love hormone oxytocin, which plays a pivotal role in bonding, it’s something we all have and need. We often seek our relationships because we want oxytocin and need to respond to our own oxytocin drive.
Lastly comes the social angle, which is where social expectations come into play. Even if you believe that you’re ready to find love, society might be asking why you’ve moved on after six months or a year. Accepting that not everybody’s going to have the same beliefs and allowing yourself to break free from some of that stigma is super important.
In My Mum, Your Dad Roger spoke about the tragic death of his wife 18 months ago
(Image: Lifted Entertainment)
It’s fascinating that Roger has been given permission to date by his daughter. Sometimes people don’t go into a second relationship because they’re worried that they’ll upset their children. It all comes down to caring. We care so much about those closest to us that we think we’re doing the right thing by them. But, ultimately, your children want you to have a good life and you want your children to have a good life.
Even with your current partner, I think it’s really good to have these discussions at home. We don’t talk about death enough in families, but ask them ‘if I die, what would happen?’ and give them permission to move on. Sometimes you need to hear it from the other person to give yourself permission that it’s okay to start dating again.
That being said, dating after bereavement comes with a whole host of emotions. At any given moment you may face anger, resentment, isolation, guilt and shame while experiencing joy and pleasure in somebody else’s company. The hard thing about it is that it can feel like a pendulum that is switching between the highs and lows.
Roger was encouraged to sign up to the show by his daughter
(Image: Lifted Entertainment)
When it comes to stopping these emotions from getting in the way of our future relationships, there’s a simple formula people can follow: notice, name and neutralise. As soon as an emotion emerges, you should give it the attention it needs. It’s common for people to try to suppress it, but the more you try to push away from an emotion, the deeper you feel it. Just let it be. The second is to name it. Say: ‘I noticed that I’m feeling sad’ and think about whether the emotion is helping or hindering you. If it’s helping you, you should utilise it. If it’s stopping you from doing things, you need to take action. When you’ve done all of this, you can neutralise it and tie it back into your identity.
The moment you give yourself this freedom to say how you feel, it also allows the other person you’re dating to do the same – just as Roger and Caroline prove. Grief is very hard the other way around and people often don’t know what to say to somebody who is grieving. By being the first person to open up about your emotions, it makes it easier for the other person. It’s not that you’ve got a responsibility to make it easy for everyone else, but sharing how you feel can give people an entry point into the conversation. After all, we all deserve love.”
Find out more about Dr Alka Patel at dralkapatel.com or to find out about her Hacktivation retreats, visit dralkapatel.com/retreat.
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