I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
Dear Sexplain It,
I fucking love having sex with my SO [significant other]. However…his sex drive is higher than mine. Mine is hugely affected by the things happening around me (noises from other people in the house, stress at work, bad eating, tired), while he is able to block out those because of how much he enjoys sex. We also attack intimacy from different angles; I find the intimate build-up to be what I need leading into the sex, and I don’t necessarily find super kinky sex intimate (a lot of fun, fuck yeah), while he finds the really kinky sex super intimate and isn’t too fussed with the build-up (but still enjoys it with me).
We both enjoy our sex, kinky and otherwise, a lot. But sometimes, I feel like I’m letting him down. He doesn’t masturbate as much as he could to fulfil his sex drive, and I think that’s because he’d rather be having sex with me. I’d like him to be as sexually fulfilled as he can possibly be, and I’m worried that my sex drive challenges are getting in the way of his (and my!) enjoyment. What are some things we can do to get into a good rhythm together?
— Sexually Distracted
Dear Sexually Distracted,
For a seemingly simple question on mismatched sex drives, there’s actually a lot going on here, but let’s focus on two things that stood out to me. First, you’re worried he’s not sexually fulfilled, yet you don’t actually know. Second, you’re focused significantly more on his pleasure than your own.
Tackling the first issue: You’re seemingly making a lot of assumptions. Has he mentioned that he feels you’re letting him down, or that he wants to have more sex with you? Has he said your sex isn’t kinky enough, and your lower sex drive is getting in the way of his enjoyment?
You need to get a sense of what his sexual needs actually are. So, have a conversation with him where you tell him what you told me. Say that you’re worried you’re not sexually satisfying him, and see how he responds. He may say he’s happy with your sex life or just wants to make a minor alteration, like having sex once or twice more a month.
Then, I want you to share your sexual needs. In your question, there was a lot of focus and concern about his satisfaction with little regard for your own. This is a common refrain from women who have been conditioned to put their male partner’s sexual pleasure before theirs. But your pleasure is equally as important, and the more pleasure you have during sex, the more you’ll want to have sex.
Your man currently isn’t engaging in foreplay and, as you wrote, “isn’t too fussed with the build-up.” This got a big LOL from me because this is some basic man shit. It’s like, come on dude, put in some goddamn effort.
He should be making out with you, fingering you, and going down on you. He should be looking into your eyes and sucking on your nipples and kissing your neck and using a wand on your pussy until you cum your face off.
These are all pretty standard sexual practices that you can (and should ask) for. So, after your significant other shares his sexual needs/desires during your check-in, I want you to share what you’d like to receive more of during sex. You can use language like, “I get super turned on when [insert sexual desire],” and “It would really get me in the mood if you [insert sexual desire].”
I’d also address some of the external stressors that are putting you off from sex. Could he somehow alleviate some of your workload? Maybe he cooks (or picks up) something healthy so you don’t have to worry about dinner? Does laundry? Helps with chores around the house so you’re not as tired?
I bet if he helped alleviate some of your daily stress and spent 15 minutes on foreplay that focused more on your pleasure, you’d want to have more (kinky) sex with him.
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