I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’m a 25 y/o gay man, recently out, dating a 33 y/o guy. Before this relationship, I wasn’t sexually experienced. I lost my virginity through Grindr a month before meeting him. I slept with a second guy, and he is the third guy I’ve ever had sex with (and I met him through Grindr, too).
We’ve been dating for about three months, and the sex has just been the two of us. Nothing crazy kinky or anything like that, but it’s been good. Just making out, blowjobs, and anal sex.
Recently, my boyfriend brought up going to a gay sauna together and having sex with other people together.
I’m not opposed to the idea. In my mind, it seems really hot to have sex with a bunch of dudes with my boyfriend. But, I feel like, in practice, it might not be something I can handle, even though I really want it to be something I can handle. I guess my question is: how do I know if I’m ready for group sex?
— Curious Orgier
Dear Curious Orgier,
No one is ever 100 percent sure that they are “ready” for group sex, or for that matter, any new sexual act. Frankly, I don’t think you’d want to be perfectly certain. In small doses, fear, risk, and uncertainty contribute to making a sexual experience arousing. (Take, for example, having public sex. While we don’t want to actually get caught, the fear of getting caught turns many of us on.)
Still, that doesn’t mean you should necessarily throw caution to the wind. (For the record, it doesn’t sound like you are.) When exploring something new sexually, you do your best to plan for potential outcomes. Of course, you can’t plan for every scenario, but you can prevent unforced errors. In other words, some things are more likely to happen in a group sex setting, so let’s make a contingency plan for those scenarios.
First, let’s start by asking yourself some questions.
Would you feel comfortable saying “No” or stopping mid-scene?
The answer to this has to be a resounding yes. A lot of people, especially those new to sex (or with past sexual trauma), feel uncomfortable “owning their no.” If you think you’d likely go along with a sexual experience because you would rather that than saying, “Hey, I’m not feeling this. I’m going to leave,” then you shouldn’t be having group sex.
Would you feel triggered by someone touching you without asking for consent first?
The norm of gay saunas isn’t enthusiastic consent (where someone asks before they can touch, kiss, suck, etc.) The norm is opt-out consent, meaning someone is likely to touch or grope you first. You must feel empowered enough to move their hand away, shake your head no, and walk away.
I remember the first time I went to a gay sex party; I was actually overwhelmed by the amount of hands touching me and cocks in my face, and I left after all of ten minutes. Now, I love gay sex parties, but I know that I have to be in absolutely the right mood.
Okay, let’s say you answer these two questions with: “I know what I’m walking into, and I definitely feel comfortable saying no and rejecting dudes if they get handsy.” Fabulous, let’s move on to potential scenarios to discuss with your boyfriend.
Would you like him to always be beside you?
For your first time having group sex at a gay sauna, I think the answer should be yes. If you agree, I’d tell your partner: “ Since this is my first time and I’m a little nervous, I don’t want you to wander off and hook up with a dude without me. I’d like you to be by my side, staying with me while we have sex with others.”
How are you both practicing protection?
FYI, the norm at saunas is not to use a condom. The men there are often on PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) to prevent acquiring HIV or are undetectable, meaning their HIV viral load is so low they cannot transmit the virus sexually. (Of course, there’s still a risk of acquiring other STIs, such as gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and so on.)
There’s no “right” answer on how you engage; it all comes down to your risk tolerance, but you should discuss this with your partner beforehand and get on the same page. You don’t want to think you’re wearing condoms and turn your head to see your boyfriend bent over getting raw-dogged.
Discuss leaving at any time.
Let’s say your group sex fantasy doesn’t go all that well IRL. You’d want your boyfriend to come home with you, right? You don’t want to be there, awkwardly mumbling, “Yeah, I mean, if you want to stay, I guess you can, but I’m going to go home, and it would be nice to have you” (or whatever). That’s just an awkward scenario. So let your BF know beforehand that you’d like him to leave with you and provide support if you’re not enjoying it.
Since this is your first time having group sex, I want you to feel empowered to be a little selfish. This experience is about you feeling safe, sexy, and having fun. Your boyfriend is here to support you in your novel experience. It’s not about him this time around.
This would be different if you were both well-versed sluts who’d been to a bathhouse fifty times together. If that were the case, and you were tired or not feeling it, I’d encourage you to let your boyfriend stay and have fun when you went home alone. But that’s down the line.
For now, let’s make sure you have the best time possible so that way, you two can have more group sex in the future, where it isn’t just about you and your comfort but about your partner’s enjoyment, too.
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