Sexplain It: I’m a Gay Man—So Why Am I Thinking About Sleeping With Women?

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

Dear Sexplain It,

I’m a gay man, and I’ve known as such for a while. I’ve been getting offers to join some straight cis couples in threesomes or group play, and I have recently found myself open to the idea of having sex with a woman just for the vibes of the event. Not necessarily because I’m attracted to them like that, but just because I know it would give them pleasure, too. I’m not sure what to think about this revelation, and could use some insight! Thanks!

—Gay Turning Bi

Dear GTB,

I’m not sure there is much to think about in this revelation. If you want to hook up with some women for the vibes, have at it.

One thing we’ve learned during the 21st century is that sexuality is far more complex than gay, straight, or bisexual. That’s why the LGBTQ acronym has been expanding and is currently at (LGBTQQIP2SAA+). Even with all those letters, there are dozens of sexualities not included.

It’s also why many younger folks are opting for the reclaimed word “queer,” because they don’t feel the words “gay” or “bi” fully articulate their sexuality, whereas they find queer to be more expansive and inclusive.

Reading between the lines here, I think you’re wondering whether it is still appropriate to identify as gay or if a term like bisexual or pansexual may more accurately define your sexuality.

Frankly, that’s up to you, and depends on how much you think sexuality is determined by “attraction” vs. “behavior.” Sex therapist Dr. Joe Kort is known for discussing the large group of guys who hook up with other men whom he believes are not bisexual. He thinks they’re a distinct group of straight men because these guys aren’t sexually attracted to other men—hairy pecs and masculinity don’t turn them on—they just like getting off. (These men are sexually attracted to women—they’re turned on by femininity, female body parts, and so on.)

Similarly, you could be attracted to a kink and not the person—and that could be what’s driving your desire to hook up. For example, I know many guys with a piss kink who do not care who pisses on or in them. It could be an actual golem, and they’d be fine with it. It’s the kink—the act of being urinated on—they’re aroused by, not the person. So are these men bi because they let anyone piss on them, men included? Yeah, I guess, but that’s not really telling the whole story. (In my opinion, it would be more accurate to call these guys urophilics.)

Here’s the thing: Getting a blowjob feels good. Anal sex feels good. Making out feels good. So if a particular gender does not sexually repulse you, and you’re more into sex for the sensation (or, as you put it, “the vibes”), then you may have sex with someone of the opposite or same sex, even though you don’t identify as bisexual. That’s okay! You may also decide that this behavior plays a role in your sexuality more than attraction, so you do want to identify as bi.

That’s okay, too!

Maybe when it comes to sex, you’re just more of a “service top”—a top who’s predominantly (or solely) focused on the experience and pleasure of the bottom. (Still, service tops take immense pleasure in giving other people pleasure.) That may be your “kink,” and when in service top mode, you don’t care about the gender of your partner. Again, that’s totally cool too!

Labels should make you feel more comfortable about your sexuality, not less, and they should not dictate your behavior. In other words, I don’t want you thinking, “Oh, just because I’m gay, I can’t have sex with a woman.” It’s like, no, if you wanna hook up with a woman, do it.

If, after hooking up with a woman, you really like it and find yourself attracted to women, you may want to start identifying as bisexual or queer, but again, the choice is yours.

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