I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
Dear Sexplain It,
My boyfriend has gotten very into gooning. [Editor’s note: “Gooning” refers to masturbating to porn for hours at a time without climaxing, and instead entering a trance-like state.] He’ll either want me to goon with him, jacking off for hours while watching porn together, and if I don’t want to, he doesn’t really wanna hang out or have sex anymore. Like, instead of watching a movie together, he’ll just go to our room and goon. When I talk about actually wanting to have sex, he’ll say he’s not in the mood but will then say we can goon together.
I tried bringing this up to him. I said I wanted to be more intimate, that this is negatively affecting our relationship, and expressed worry that this has become a compulsion. He said I was being sex-negative and kink-shaming. Am I, or is his gooning an actual problem?
— Upset Boyfriend
Dear Upset Boyfriend,
I handed your question off to Dr. Eric Sprankle, professor of clinical psychology at Minnesota State University, Mankato, and the author of DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History and Science of Masturbation. Sprankle is a leading researcher on male masturbation, so I really couldn’t think of a better person to answer your question.
See his excellent response below.
The short answer is no, you’re not the problem.
But before I elaborate, for those unfamiliar, gooning is the practice of prolonged masturbation without orgasming. It’s the edgier version of edging that can result in a supposed altered state of consciousness known as goon space.
Unsurprisingly, gooning doesn’t qualify for federal research grants to study, so our empirical understanding of this topic is limited. We are left with anecdotes from gooners themselves to describe this experience. One gooner, who was interviewed for Mel Magazine in 2020, described entering goon space as the moment when your “mind merges with your cock.”
How poetic.
As a practice, there’s nothing inherently unhealthy about gooning, provided you have enough work flexibility to occasionally clear out your afternoon schedule. But the question of whether your boyfriend is a healthy gooner or a compulsive one, I have no idea. As a clinical psychologist answering an inquiry in an advice column, I only have second-hand information you provided about his behavior. I’d have to directly ask him a few dozen questions so I could better understand the function and effect of gooning in his life, several of which would be about chafing.
Without a thorough assessment, I just don’t know what’s going on with him.
But what I do know is that you’re not happy with the impact his behavior is having on your relationship. It’s reasonable to want to spend time with your boyfriend and simply watch a movie, and you’ve been direct and honest with him about this reasonable request. You’re not “kink shaming” by asking your boyfriend for more intimacy that doesn’t involve three pints of lube. (I wouldn’t even label gooning a kink, but I’ll save that argument for another article.)
You’re also not being “sex-negative” by bringing this up. I’m viewing this unfortunate relational situation as less about his gooning, per se, and more about his distance from you. Even if he weren’t a gooner, the problem would still exist if he locked himself away in a room to play video games, crochet, or repeatedly watch the 1985 classic The Goonies (surprisingly, not about gooning).
Again, there’s nothing wrong with gooning in and of itself, and this wouldn’t be a problem for him (or the relationship) if you were as enthused about the behavior as he is. But you’re not, and that’s fine, too. You desire more out of this partnership than merely a series of marathon jack-off sessions.
If things don’t change, ultimately, it’s your decision if you can accept a distant boyfriend who seems to always prioritize masturbation over you. If not, then it would be very reasonable to want to find a new partner with whom you can snuggle on the couch and simply watch a movie without the need for your minds to merge with your cocks.
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