You may have heard from a therapist, know-it-all acquaintance, or your favorite advice columnist that couples should aim to have sex at least once a week to keep their relationship happy and thriving. But how legit is this yardstick—and should you worry if your own sex life isn’t measuring up?
It’s hard to trace the exact origins of this supposedly magic number, but some experts credit a popular 2016 study, which found that banging once a week was the sweet spot for relationship satisfaction. (Doing it more frequently didn’t increase participants’ reported happiness, and doing it less was associated with lower fulfillment.) The truth is, though, there’s no one-size-satisfies-all answer to how often you should be having sex—no matter what the research may say.
That’s because every relationship is different, and a single statistic shouldn’t be used as a prescription for all couples, says Lexx Brown-James, PhD, LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Sexual Health Certificate Program at the University of Michigan. “There’s a whole host of external things [unrelated to attraction] that can affect how often you do or don’t have sex in a given week,” Dr. Brown-James says—like work stress, for instance, parental responsibilities, and simply not being in the mood. Not to mention, there are plenty of couples out there who aren’t sexual but are still perfectly happy and healthy, she adds.
You should also know that pressuring yourself to meet a certain quota may actually hurt, not help, the quality of your love life, Casey Tanner, MA, LCPC, AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of Feel it All: A Therapist’s Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship With Sex, tells SELF. “Setting these numerical goals might encourage people to approach sex with problematic ‘shoulds,’ like ‘we should have had sex by now, it’s been two weeks!’” Tanner says. Also, banging because you “have to” (and not because you want to) is a “great way to build resentment in relationships,” Dr. Brown-James adds—which “creates emotional and physical distance, leading to mistrust, miscommunication, and tension.”
Simply put, there is no golden rule for how often you and your partner need to bone in order to be “healthy.” “In my experience, I’ve met happy couples having sex once a year who are far more connected than those having it once a week,” Tanner says. So instead of fixating on the frequency, what really matters is that everyone involved feels safe, comfortable, and fulfilled.
If you’re unsure about whether your sex life is really doing it for you, here are a few helpful signs to look out for in your relationship.
1. You look forward to having sex.
In other words, you shouldn’t be annoyed, feel guilty, or approach it with a “let’s get this over with” attitude. According to Tanner, these reactions are inevitable when you’re having sex out of obligation, rather than genuine desire—which might be the case if you’re striving to meet that “perfect” once-a-week quota. (Unnecessary pressure might just kill your sexual chemistry in the long run, she warns.)
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