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IF YOU’RE ANYTHING like me, you may have heard the new term “sneaky link” and thought it was a euphemism for when a porn star posts a link to their OnlyFans account on Instagram. But it turns out sneaky links have nothing to do with being online. In fact, it’s quite the opposite—they have to do with real, in-person connections (albeit behind closed doors).
“A sneaky link is a sexual and/or romantic relationship where those involved are discreet about their interactions, often to avoid the real or perceived complications that would come from others finding out,” explains Casey Tanner, LELO Sexpert and Certified Sex Therapist, L.C.P.C., C.S.T. “A sneaky link is hidden from friends, family, or colleagues, and is typically casual and non-committal.”
Sneaky links can definitely be a little (read: very) complicated when, ironically, the whole thing about them is that you are arguably “trying to keep things chill and uncomplicated.”
Below, with the help of sex and relationship experts, we break down how to have a healthy sneaky link relationship, why people want sneaky links, whether it’s hurtful to one’s self-esteem, and more.
First things first, how does a sneaky link differ from a friends-with-benefits?
Sneaky links are more secretive and less focused on the foundation of friendship. “Typically, friends with benefits are open about the nature of their relationship with at least some of their mutual connections, whereas sneaky links are defined by their discreteness,” Tanner says. Additionally, whereas a friends-with-benefits dynamic often begins with friendship before developing into something sexual, a sneaky link dynamic may originate as sexual, and not involve a friendship at all.
Why might someone not want to share who they’re hooking up with?
Life is complicated, and so are relationships. Not to mention, you may not want everyone up in your business.
“There are a million reasons someone might want to keep a hookup a secret,” says Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun.
But for the most part, people tend to hide their hookups when they’re concerned about social scrutiny, such as stigma about the person, situation, timing, or history, Tanner explains.
So, if you’re hooking up with a work colleague, you may want to keep it secret to avoid pressure from other coworkers (or needing to report your relationship to HR). Or perhaps you’re hooking up with an ex your friends deemed “toxic,” so you don’t want to share that you’re back together with them. Alternatively, you may not be out as gay, queer, or bisexual, so for the time being, you don’t want anyone to know about your same-sex partner.
Or, and this is often a common reason for sneaky links: someone is cheating on their partner. Engle notes that often, these people say they plan to break up with their partner or are in the middle of the breakup process, but warns that this is “likely untrue.” It’s just a line many people use—sometimes, they have no plans to break up with their partner. Other times, they really think they are, but in the end, they are too afraid to do so.
That said, Dr. Emily Morse, Doctor of Human Sexuality and Playground’s Chief Sexologist, notes that a sneaky link is not synonymous with cheating. Yes, some people in sneaky links are cheating, but many are not!
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Are sneaky links hurtful to one’s self-esteem?
While every sneaky link dynamic is different, they certainly have the potential to create stress, hurt one’s self-esteem, or damage relationships. “The process of constantly hiding details of your life from those around you can lead to anxiety and feelings of disconnection from your social circles,” Tanner says. “If the sneaky link dynamic feels in any way against one’s values, living in misalignment with oneself can diminish self-esteem over time.”
That said, Morse notes that you may wish to be discreet while you’re figuring out if you’d like to progress things with this person, “including announcing to the world that you’re seeing each other.” If you’re unsure if you see a future with this person, it may behoove you to wait to tell your friends.
How do you know if you are someone else’s sneaky link?
Ideally, the decision to keep your relationship a secret would be mutual, but we all know how people can be. Engle breaks down some signs that you’re someone else’s sneaky link.
You’re only invited over to their apartment at night or when they’re home alone.You only ever hear from them when they want to hook up.You’ve never met any of their friends.They don’t share a lot of details about their lives with you.You don’t go on dates.They have another partner!
What if you want it to be a sneaky link and your partner does not (or vice-versa?)
Then, it’s time for more direct communication, Morse says. Explain why you’d like to be discreet about your relationship for now. See if your partner can accept it. If not, and they really want to go public, “You need to respect that and ask yourself what you’d rather do. Be public about your connection or end it because you want two different relationship structures?” Morse asks. (For what it’s worth, I recommend that you end it as you both clearly want different things. Save both yourselves the hurt and pain.)
How do you know if a sneaky link relationship is right for you?
There is nothing wrong with creating boundaries around how you and someone else will engage with your relationship, so long as those boundaries are created collaboratively and clear to both parties, Tanner explains. “Notice how being sneaky makes you feel. Some people feel empowered by the sense of control over the dynamic, while others find that the impacts on their self-esteem are too great.”
Tanner continues, “Ask yourself if a sneaky link dynamic aligns with your desires for your life more globally: How important is it to you that a partnership can be integrated with your social circle? Are you actually looking for something casual?”
The key here is to be honest with yourself (and your partners) about what you want. Don’t be someone else’s sneaky link if you want a more serious relationship. Sneaky links should never come from a place of settling. You should only be in one if it feels empowering, fulfils your desires, and doesn’t contradict your values.
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