While the women are making the most of their sexual liberation that has come with financial independence, it seems men are yet to catch up. The straight men in this country are seldom heard or seen talking about issues related to sexual intimacy. We try to delve deep into this curious case of the modern men.
As an arts student at Delhi University over a decade ago, I was exposed to an environment that encouraged free speech. In 2008, when I decided to volunteer as a writer for a university publication, one of my assignments was to take charge of an anonymous column that would answer queries around sex, dating and intimacy.
I had mixed feelings about the opportunity. “Will people judge me for this?”, “What will my parents think if they found out?”…such questions plagued me. Most members of the team had similar apprehensions but, it was mostly the boys who eventually backed out, calling the column “silly” as a means to conceal their discomfort with open communication around sex and sexuality.
Cut to today, even in the digital world, nothing much seems to have changed.
Sex talk, off limits
While there has been a spurt in the population of women sex-ed content creators who are doling out relevant information to spread awareness and highlight the right to pleasure, we hardly see any straight men doing the same. On the contrary, men in same-sex relationships are rather vocal.
Until a few years ago, the late Dr Mahinder Watsa, a trained obstetrician-gynaecologist was a popular figure, who through his column–Ask the Sexpert–responded to sex queries of men and women with much wit and coherence. Interestingly, Dr Watsa was 80 when he started writing the column in Mumbai Mirror and soon became a household name, shattering taboos one piece at a time. Through his responses, people of all age groups—from teenagers to the older generation—discovered more about their bodies.
Here’s a sneak peek into some of Dr Watsa’s responses:
Q: I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice into my girlfriend’s vagina after the intercourse? Will it harm her?
A: Are you a bhel puri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from? There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control. You can consider using a condom.
Q. I am 18 years old and my testicles are larger than those I see in films? Should I be wearing a supporter all day long?
A: Do you watch movies with a ruler in one hand? Then why not measure ears and other parts of the body as well. If you have any doubt, see your doctor.
But after Dr Watsa, the trend of such columns has completely faded. Even during his lifetime, he was probably among the few males who openly spoke about sex.
The population of males who consider sex talk off limits isn’t limited to the media but also extends to cinema. Only a handful of films have dared to bring men’s sexual health concerns to the forefront. There’s Ayushmann Khurrana-starrer Shubh Mangal Savdhaan (2017) that highlighted how the relationship between its lead characters suffers a setback due to Khurrana’s struggle with erectile dysfunction; Dr Arora: Gupt Rog Visheshagya (2022), a web show created by ace filmmaker Imitiaz Ali, revolves around a sexologist from a small town (played by Kumud Mishra) who deals with men’s sexual health issues; and more recently, we had OMG 2 (2023) that weaved a compelling narrative by sensitising the audience about the significance of sex education.
Actor Gulshan Devaiah, who has been a part of meaningful shows and films, including Hunterrr, Dahaad, Mard ko Dard Nahi Hota and Badhai Do, believes that men still have a long way to go when it comes to openly speaking about sexual health and intimacy, even in movies. His much-talked-about scene in Dahaad with his onscreen son, where he has an open conversation about sexual awareness and consent was appreciated by critics and audiences alike.
“When mass entertainers like OMG 2 make an effort, they make a point and influence the audience. I believe the idea has to trickle down; these films may be simplistic in their approach but it’s a good start. Everything can’t remain intellectually superior and difficult to understand. Once you are introduced to a certain idea, there is greater curiosity around it which eventually leads it to be normalised,” says Devaiah.
But what is it that makes men so uncomfortable to speak about sex? Is it a case of internalised misogyny, or do men refrain from discussing sexual health and wellness for the fear of being judged and labelled?
Behind closed doors
In the last few years, sex education content has become synonymous with women influencers on social media, who highlight pressing concerns around sexual health and encourage their community to experience pleasure without any inhibitions.
However, a quick glance at their comments section reveals an interesting observation. There are several men who undermine these influencers’ capabilities in the sex-ed space, trolling them left, right and centre. At the same time, any content around pleasure for women is trashed.
But here’s a reality check—hardly any male discusses his sexual health concerns openly. Is it any different in the DMs?
“Over 60 per cent of my followers are male, so clearly men want this information and are eager to learn about sex and sexuality. In fact, reels about men’s sexual health or pleasure tend to perform extremely well. It’s also because there are more men than women with a smartphone and internet access in India,” says Leeza Mangaldas, sexuality educator, best-selling author and the founder of Leezu’s, a joyful personal care and intimacy brand.
“Also, in a patriarchal society, I think men feel more entitled to information about sex and pleasure and there are less consequences around men expressing their sexual agency as compared to women,” she continues.
However, as compared to women it seems men are less able to be honest and vulnerable publicly, highlights Mangaldas. “Men remain socialised to believe that a “masculine man” would never publicly admit his insecurities,” she remarks.
Dr Tanaya Narendra, a trained medical doctor, embryologist and scientist, also famously known as dr_cuterus on social media, admits to incessant trolling in the comments section by men, only to get her attention.
Ironically, these are the same men who ask a lot of questions in her DMs. “If you school them, they acknowledge they did this to get my attention…I believe most men don’t talk about these subjects openly because they consider it a blemish on their masculinity and also the idea that I am a woman and I don’t know what I am talking about. There’s some kind of internalised misogyny integrated with the idea of what masculinity is supposed to be,” she says.
Sexuality coach and founder of sex-positive platform Get Intimacy, Pallavi Barnwal recalls an instance from way back in 2018, when she started her journey as a sex educator. A lot of men were bewildered by her “bold” posts, further calling out the advantage she has being a woman in this space.
“Many of them questioned me that if the same bold content was put up by a man, wouldn’t he be labelled a sex addict or maniac? I would partially agree that this biased approach exists, or rather the upper hand women have over men in the sexual wellness advocacy space, especially the pleasure-positive space. Our sex-negative cultural legacy is to blame for this,” she adds.
However, Zoya Ali, a reproductive health scientist who goes by the name Uteropedia on Instagram, shares another insight.
In her case, there are certainly fewer men who reach out in the DMs, which points to a noticeable imbalance. As an observation, she believes there is an uptick of men reaching out when content is created around men’s sexual health but sometimes, the reactions are uncalled for.
“Although we are working towards creating a safe space for others, it isn’t the same for us. Many of my fellow creators and I have to deal with our boundaries constantly being violated through unsolicited pictures, unwarranted comments and slut shaming,” she points out.
Fear of judgement
While there may be several reasons why men refuse to bring up sex and sexuality in the public view, fear of judgment appears to be among the most common.
A 37-year-old cis-het man, on the condition of anonymity, says that he has been suffering from premature ejaculation for as long as five years. But he just can’t get himself to speak to his parents or friends for the fear of being ridiculed.
“Until a decade ago, I have made fun and labelled a few friends if they brought up their concerns. I presume the same is going to happen with me. My lack of willingness to seek help has also impacted my romantic life—I have been single for seven years now,” he confesses.
In Devaiah’s case, he too was initially reluctant to seek professional help to deal with issues in the space of intimacy and relationships.
“I was initially worried about being judged and my flaws being pointed out, which generally happens if you have an argument with a friend, partner or parents. I realised that’s not the case with counselling or therapy. I was in my mid-30s when I first spoke to one,” he recalls.
“They give you alternate perspectives that will help in reducing your anxiety, improve your relationship and steer you to navigate problems in a better manner,” believes Devaiah.
Sometimes, it’s also about men being touchy about discussing things they aren’t good at. Instead, they try and find a workaround to avoid getting in touch with a professional.
“It requires a certain amount of courage and a level of trust you need to build with your counsellor. These things take time but it’s not as hard as one imagines it to be,” he mentions.
Barnwal notes that several men who reach out to her on DMs are more cautious, with many of them often cross-checking on Zoom calls if they aren’t being recorded.
Much of this can be linked to their childhood, with society labelling them time and again as “weak” if they cry publicly or express their softer side.
“This makes them suppress their emotions, convincing them that it is the right way to handle everything, whether it’s their career or personal challenges,” informs Khushboo Bist, intimacy coach in training and sexuality educator.
“Thus, even when it comes to sexual health problems, it is but natural that they don’t want to speak about it,” she continues.
Mangaldas, who has often been vocal on social media about her insecurities with small breasts while growing up but is now comfortable in her skin, has hardly seen a straight man speak with that degree of openness about his vulnerabilities and body insecurities.
“I haven’t yet seen a video where a cis-het man says “I have a small penis and I used to be insecure about it. I realised you don’t really need to have a particular size to be a good lover. Enthusiasm and skill and communication makes all the difference,” she highlights.
She believes the reason for men’s silence around such topics publicly is due to their fear of being judged by other men. Often, they are afraid to come across as a “loser” or a “simp”, or a “pussy” or any other derogatory and misogynistic slurs men call each other.
Furthermore, Barnwal also brings our attention to another important facet that is often brushed under the carpet.
While it is widely believed that men are sexual oppressors and women have been sexually oppressed (which is true to a large content)–the deeper truth is that the oppressor also suffers from this sex-negative system.
“Men are upheld in this stereotype of brainless sex machines, who are ready for sex at any moment. Male sexuality is seen as “simple” while female sexuality as “submissive”. Most men struggle to express their sexuality without coming across as a predator,” she mentions.
Male speak
But what is the stance of males today? Do they feel differently as opposed to the perceptions about them?
Dr Prateek Makwana, consultant embryologist and director at Vasundhara Hospital, Jodhpur, who also creates content under the handle fertility_scribbles reveals that there has been a surge in queries from men about everything around performance anxiety, sexual health concerns, and how to improve the sexual dynamic with their partners.
That being said, there are all kinds of patients he deals with as a fertility specialist. “There are some who approach me and say, “we aren’t able to conceive, please test my wife”, while there are others who are already aware and know they have a problem, or they admit they can’t have proper sex as a result of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation,” he opens up.
“Both kinds of patients gradually accept that they have some concerns that can be solved if they reach out to the right doctor, be it an andrologist, urologist or even psychologists and psychiatrists,” states Dr Makwana.
On being asked if males reach out more to him vis-a-vis other women sex-ed content creators, he says it may sometimes be a natural decision.
“Sometimes, the language they use may appear crude and could create a sense of discomfort, especially in the case of a woman content creator,” he adds.
While the taboos and inhibitions around sex continue to exist, there have been winds of change blowing in the last five years, admits Makwana. “Thanks to social media that they consume every single day, males are gradually beginning to accept their issues, maybe not publicly but at least before their doctors.”
Former Gurugram-based sexologist Aman Singh has a similar view. “While there were men who would shy away from speaking about their “so-called private issues” before me, they would eventually come around, especially if they wanted to start a family,” he recounts.
However, he has witnessed a stark change now–with many of the male members in his extended family, who are GenZ, being vocal about their sexual health concerns.
“Unlike other generations, the GenZ is all about prioritising their needs as well as of their partner’s. I see many of my nephews coming up to me and asking questions out of curiosity,” reveals Singh.
Anunay Pratap, a 23-year-old cis-het Gen Z from Delhi was going through a severe burnout that prevented him from enjoying sex with his partner. He waited for the issue to get better but when he realised nothing much had changed even after months, he consulted a medical professional.
“I had an open conversation with my partner and reached out to a doctor, who helped me understand the issue. My stress levels were so high that it prevented me from having an erection. Thankfully, things are better since I have learned how to navigate high pressure,” he admits.
This is certainly promising, since most previous generations of males had their introduction to sex through porn or other channels that present a distorted view of sex. It was the same with Devaiah, who was clueless about sex well until his 20s, since he hails from a conservative family where such subjects never made it to the dining table.
Over course of time, he shares being better acquainted with intimacy and sexuality, thanks to the women in his life. “Women teach men a lot of things about sexuality and being in touch with their feminine side,” he says.
A promising future?
While there is much discourse on the subject of sex and sexuality, Barnwal believes change can happen only when we understand that male sexuality has also been affected by the culture of sexual repression and shame.
“We understand this impact in terms of women’s sexuality. We think of men to be oppressors but must know that the oppressor is also oppressed,” she claims.
In Mangaldas’s case, men are inundating her inbox with messages like “I am afraid I won’t be able to satisfy my wife when I get married” “I have never had sex and I am 30 years old. Is that too late? will women ever like me? will I be able to perform? or ” “I’m so insecure of my size, what can I do?”.
But there exists a dissonance in the number of men who feel they must project themselves publicly versus how they feel internally and emotionally.
“They know I am not going to judge them, and evidently they do want a space to express these vulnerabilities,” she adds.
Dr Narendra opines it is crucial to create an environment where men are able to have open conversations without their masculinity being questioned.
“Mocking of effeminate men needs to stop. We have to create an environment where healthy expression of emotions is encouraged in men and an inevitable consequence of that will be just creating a safer, healthier environment to talk about these things,” she advises.
In a similar vein, Ali is of the view that it’s important to continuously challenge and redefine stereotypes, which can probably happen through diverse representation. “Encouraging more men to enter the field of sex education will allow men to relate to educators who comprehend their unique experiences and concerns,” she says.
In a nutshell, it’s all about creating safe spaces for men (and others) from the very beginning, so that they don’t have inhibitions to speak up about their sexual health without bringing in masculinity to the mix.
“Young fathers should talk to their children about sex and sexuality, right from when they hit puberty. If they don’t know how to, they must consult a therapist or find credible sources online that give you a step-by-step guide to approach it. If not, watch Dahaad and wait for the scene where I talk to my onscreen son about sex education,” Devaiah quips.
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