Ask Amy: Should we try a long-distance relationship or break up?

Dear Amy: My boyfriend/significant other of 13 years is six years older than me. He wants to retire in a year or two and move more than 200 miles away from the town where we both currently live.

I have my own home, family, and job in my hometown. I’ve lived here for my entire life.

My SO and I have no plans to marry or live together.

Should we try a long-distance relationship, or break up now because our future plans don’t seem to include the other?

– Perplexed in the Midwest

Dear Perplexed: I sense in the subtext of your question that you might feel quite stung by what you perceive as your significant other’s choice not only to leave town, but to leave you.

So yes, you could preempt this still far-off choice by preparing to break up, or you could at least attempt a long-distance relationship by trying to visit one another on a loose schedule. If he lands in a nice spot, you might see this as each of you having something of a second home: a second destination to travel to when you want to.

Most important, however, is the need for each of you to communicate, honestly and frankly, about your future plans – both as individuals and as a couple.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for several years. We’re really happy, with successful careers, a house we enjoy, and two dogs we love.

We honestly love our lives and are not sure about having children. We’re not ruling it out, but we’re also not ruling it in.

Lately my mother has been starting to pressure us. This started out subtly, but then the pressure seemed to grow until over Thanksgiving, when she actually said, out loud, “You owe me grandchildren.”

I was upset and have become more upset over time.

Can she possibly believe that?

What is the best way to react?

– Childfree

Dear Childfree: I can well imagine how this statement might have struck you.

At this point, because you continue to ruminate on it, you should find a way to express your concern to your mother.

I suggest writing down your thoughts and either sending her a letter or email, or just using your written down thoughts as a blueprint for a conversation.

To clarify what you already know: You do not owe it to anyone to have children.

You could ask your mother, “Do you really believe that I owe you grandchildren?” She might respond that no – she just really wants grandchildren.

She might believe that because she gave everything to you as you were growing up, that now it’s time for her to collect. Or maybe a lot of her friends are now experiencing grandparenthood, and she wants that, too.

Basically, you should patiently query her, listen carefully to her responses, and then lower the velvet boom: “Mom, you want what you want. And I want what I want. Pressuring me to have children for your sake is out of bounds. We may have children. We might not. But fulfilling your needs can’t be part of our decision-making, and I’d appreciate it if you understood that and respected this boundary.”

Dear Amy: On that pesky subject of tipping, here’s a situation I am wondering about.

When in a bakery where the customer goes to a counter, points to an item they want, an employee behind the counter puts the item in a bag, hands it to the customer, and handles the credit card transaction, is a tip expected now?

The credit card software now asks what tip the customer wants to leave, even when there’s no service rendered other than handing an item to a customer.

This can lead to embarrassment, as well as not wanting to frequent that bakery, any more – at least on my part.

Am I out of line? Have the tipping gods now decreed we must tip everyone?

What’s going on? It feels as though we are being shamed into tipping any time a credit card is used. What to do?

– Confused

Dear Confused: Back when we paid cash for most things, a bakery or coffee shop might have a tip cup on the counter where you could deposit the leftover change from your transaction if you chose to.

I agree that this automatic tip option does induce a feeling of pressure and I will run any responses from business owners explaining their reasoning.

You might start a “resist the tip!” movement.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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