Dear Prudence
They’ve always been a tight-knit family, but this is too much.
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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My 32-year-old husband very recently passed away in an accident. Among other things, I’m struggling with navigating what my relationship with my in-laws should look like from here. They are a large and very close-knit family, in contrast with my family that consists of only my sister. They very quickly and warmly welcomed me in, which I appreciated, but have sometimes found overwhelming. Now, especially, I’m finding I can’t handle all the family closeness. Since the funeral and in the upcoming three months, they have at least two family gatherings every month, including birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc.. Thinking about any of this (let alone all of it) feels so overwhelming.
So far I’ve only gone to the gathering marking my husband’s birthday (three weeks after his death) and have been making up excuses for missing the others. But still, some member of the family reaches out to me nearly daily with a message about how much I was missed at the last event and how hopefully I’ll be at the next one! I understand they take comfort in being together, but I’m much less social and really just need time on my own to process things. I hate expressing emotions in front of others I’m not incredibly close to (basically husband or best friend), and sitting around together crying about my husband sounds absolutely miserable and unhelpful (which is what his birthday turned into). My MIL also pulled me aside then and told me that it was so great to have me there, as it kind of felt like a bit of their son was still there through me. While I appreciate this, I feel the exact opposite being around them.
For me, right now they are a painful reminder of what I lost. How can we each get what we need during this time of grieving and into the future? I know they will continue to invite me to every family function they have for the rest of their lives and to think of me as family. But at least for now, I can’t do it and don’t want to feel like I’m constantly letting them down by making up excuses not to participate. What do you owe to your in-laws when the relationship ends in early death?
—Grieving, Preferably Alone
Dear Grieving,
If you need someone to tell you it is 100 percent okay beg off from these gatherings for as long as you need to, I will be the first to confirm that you can do that, and that any reasonable person will understand. And maybe that is what you need to do: “Thank you for always including me. It means so much to me that you’re welcomed me into the family and continue to be so warm to me after Husband’s death. You may have noticed I haven’t taken you up on many of the invitations. It’s because I’m still really struggling and taking time to process everything, and for me that means being in group settings is tough and I need more time on my own. Again, I’m so grateful for all of you and I know we’re dealing with similar feelings in different ways. I don’t want to let you down or make you think I’m avoiding you, so I just wanted to explain where I’m coming from when I say no to an event.”
But I want you to try to think about whether there’s a way you can bow out of the big family parties and holiday events for the time being (or maybe forever!) while still nurturing the connections you have with this family. Are there one or two people you would enjoy talking to or spending time with in a setting that makes you more comfortable? A regular phone call or lunch date or day running errands together might be more your speed, and might provide a setting for intimate conversations about your grief that aren’t possible at big parties while everyone is talking over each other and all the kids are in the bouncy house screaming at the top of their lungs. What I’m getting at is that you might really get something out of these in-law relationships if they take place more on your terms, and I want you to plan strategically so that can happen.
At the end of the day, when it comes to family, your sister is probably is not going to be enough. There is a lot of loneliness in this world, and people who care about you and welcome you (and share a major experience like your husband’s loss) could add so much to your life, so don’t let the way you feel right now keep your isolated. Take your time and ask these people for what you need from them (including space!) as you journey through your grief—I believe they’ll be happy to meet you where you are.
Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”
Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.
Dear Prudence,
A very close friend and their family moved to be closer to me and my family about six months ago. Occasionally, my friend house-sits when we go away; each time, we have noticed missing items in our home. We know these folks are not as financially stable as we are and are struggling to get their feet underneath them in a very expensive city. The items that are missing are usually from the refrigerator or pantry, the kids’ snacks, the kids’ clothing, alcohol. And in regards to the food, it’s not as if they ate the food while house-sitting; rather, it is large quantities of items or small expensive items. I let it go, because if my friends need food, then I want to be able to provide that. However, I noticed that most of our toilet paper was gone after only six days of being away. I think they are going through a hard time. How do I ask if they need help, keeping in mind we have already spotted them thousands of dollars? Should we acknowledge the missing items in doing so or leave it? I don’t want to embarrass them.
—Asking for a Friend
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I live together and have been together for five years. He has clinical depression, which he manages with medication. We met at a demoralizing workplace that affected both our mental health conditions negatively (I have chronic anxiety). Since then, we both have gotten new jobs and work from home. However, my boyfriend frequently sleeps through meetings and fails to get his work done on time. His boss has noticed and spoken to him about it a couple of times. I’ve suggested therapy, but he hasn’t taken the initiative to try it. I’m worried he may lose his job, and it’s giving me anxiety and frustration. How can I balance being a loving partner while expressing my concerns about his mental health and work performance? How hard should I push him to try therapy and other interventions if he won’t choose to pursue them on his own?
—Loving but Frustrated Partner
Dear Frustrated Partner,
What will you do if he loses his job? Can you cover the rent? For how long? Would you want to stay in a relationship with him if he were unemployed? Again, for how long? Would there be a way that would work long-term? How does all of this affect your thoughts about marriage, if that’s a goal? What would he need to do in order for you to want to stay together and to take things to the next level? Is it enough to know that he’s seeing a therapist, or are there certain results you’d want to see to feel comfortable moving forward? If he does get fired and doesn’t take care of his mental health, what will you do to make sure you are financially stable and living a life you enjoy?
Have a long thinking or journaling session about these questions. Once you have some clear answers, I think you’ll feel better. The goal is for you to take your focus off of your boyfriend and what he is or isn’t doing, and what might or might not happen, and put it back on yourself, and your plan to live the life you want. You hope he gets therapy and starts performing better at work! Of course! But if he doesn’t, you have a clear plan in mind to make sure your life isn’t derailed. This alone should significantly decrease your anxiety and give you a sense of peace. It’ll be empowering. And that’s when you talk to him and give him some clarity about where you stand, because you do love him and it’s only fair to let him know.
Maybe you can say something like, “I love you and I know we’ve been through a lot together when it comes to our mental health and workplace struggles, so I want you to know that for me to feel good about this relationship, I need you to see you taking steps to deal with the issues that are causing you to sleep all day” or “I know you’re struggling at work and if you are fired, I’m willing to cover our expenses for three months, but not forever” or “I’d like for us to move toward marriage but until you are stable when it comes to your moods and your ability to function professionally, I just don’t feel comfortable deepening our commitment. And I might want to take a step back.”
The idea is not to “push him” but to decide what you need, let him know, and then evaluate whether or not he’s able to measure up, all while being mentally prepared for the answer to be a big “no.”
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
How do I make friends as an adult? I’ve tried to make friends and it is very difficult, because a lot of times people seem to like the idea of making friends but they don’t follow through and you end up getting ghosted, stood up, or the friendship fades really quickly, and it’s pretty discouraging. It is also very hard to find people to connect with in general outside of work; I work in a setting where you have to keep relationships more professional unfortunately. I have two friends now, but one is in a different country and the other one is dealing with his own health issues and I feel extremely lonely. I have family, but my family is not very close so that’s not really an option either, and right now I’m not dating anybody. I’ve been finding it’s very hard to make meaningful connections with people who are genuine and reliable. What should I do?
—Tired of Being Lonely
Dear Tired,
As I always say when someone writes in with a question like this, you’re not alone! It’s extremely common to struggle with making friends as an adult. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. A guest on the Dear Prudence podcast, Lane Moore, recently published a whole book on the topic.
But I’ll give you my two main tips:
1) You have to find other people who are looking for friends, which means being explicit about what you’re looking for. (Again, there is nothing shameful or wrong about this!) I don’t want you to go enroll in yoga or volunteering or whatever only to learn that many of the people you meet like you, but are too busy to commit to the kind of connection that you would find rewarding. Instead, tell everyone you know that you’re looking for friends. Post about it on social media. Be vulnerable and clear. Some brave young woman did this on my local NextDoor group and it was the best use of the app I’ve ever seen. So many neighbors from all walks of life enthusiastically offered to hang out with her, include her in their events and clubs, and get to know her.
2) Accept that you might have different friends for different purposes. I’d love for you to find some all-purpose besties who you talk to nonstop and hang out with constantly, but in grown-up life, you sometimes have to piece together what you can: The meaningful two-hour catchup on the phone friend, the go-on-a-trip-together friend, the text all day but rarely talk friend, the thrift shopping friend, the foodie friend. You say you want someone “genuine and reliable,” and this approach will take some of the pressure off the “reliable” part. A person can be a wonderful addition to your life and scratch the friendship itch without committing to show up in every way every day.
Finally, try not to take the ghosting and fade-outs personally. Take it from me, people have a LOT going on in their lives. And a pop-up friendship that involves a couple of hangouts before both people move on isn’t worthless if you’ve enjoyed yourself.
More Advice From Slate
I have a question about vacation etiquette, specifically about the fairest way for friends to break down the cost of group travel. My husband and I are planning a trip with another couple and their teenager. In the past, we’ve booked two-bedroom accommodations with this couple, whose child, at the time, was fine to “bunk” in their room. We would then split the lodging cost 50-50. Now that their son is well into his teens, his parents requested an extra room so he has his own space during our trip. I totally understood and booked the lodging accordingly.
Obviously, larger rentals cost more. This family is travel-savvy, which is why I am baffled that they only sent half of the total bill…
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