Care and Feeding
My wife had an excruciating week.
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I was recently out of town on a business trip for a week. This left my wife and my in-laws taking care of our twin preschoolers. As it happened, my wife also had a challenging week at work managing an important out-of-town client.
The time I was away was excruciating for my wife, who had to handle a lot of judgment from her mom, who made comments about how the house needed cleaning and about the quality of the food in the fridge (“I won’t feed your kids that!”). While her mother’s criticisms were hurtful to both of us—housework and meal prep are shared activities—on the last day, my mother-in-law crossed a line. She likes to hand-feed my preschoolers as if they were infants. My wife asked that she allow the kids to feed themselves; she pointed out that our kids, like all kids their age, are expected to feed themselves. My mother-in-law turned to the kids: “You better learn to pour your own milk from this heavy carton because your mom doesn’t care about you.” When I found out about this, I nearly blew my top. How dare she attempt to manipulate my kids in this way? Although my in-laws were still in the house when I got home, I didn’t say anything to them. I wanted to avoid a messy fight in front of the kids. But I’m pissed as hell at my mother-in-law. What’s a polite way to establish some rules about verbal abuse and respect?
—Steamed in San Francisco
Dear Steamed,
I don’t see any way to establish rules for your mother-in-law’s behavior that she will follow. If she were inclined to behave reasonably, she would. But I think it would do your wife a world of good if she took the bull by the horns (and yes, it should be her, not you—but you should be at her side, supporting her, because she’s going to need it) and said, firmly, “You cannot speak to my children that way.”
Her mother will protest. Your wife must stand firm. And this exchange will make not a whit of difference in how your MIL speaks to the children—just as telling her, however politely, that comments about the cleanliness of the house or the suitability of your groceries are not welcome will not stop her from making those comments in the future—but it will help your wife. The sooner she learns to stand up to her mother, the better. (See Still Troubled, Years Later, below.)
Here’s the thing about boundaries: You can’t actually set them for anyone else. Boundaries are what we set for ourselves. Your wife might begin with the decision not to invite her parents to stay to “help out” the next time you’re out of town. (If there isn’t another relative or friend who can do that, hire someone.) If your in-laws are visiting for an afternoon, or your family is visiting them, your MIL’s unwelcome remarks, and behavior such as hand-feeding the children, should always be addressed in the moment: “Please don’t tell me that my house is dirty.” “Please don’t criticize what I feed my children.” If she tries to feed the children, intervene: Set plates in front of them, give them forks and spoons, and say, “Sorry, Mom, they’re capable of feeding themselves.” If Mom refuses to stop, it’s time to ask her to leave. This can be said gently (“I’m afraid if you can’t abide by my request, we’ll have to end this visit now”) and can even be followed with, “I wish it were otherwise. You’ve given me no choice.” It’s possible that establishing boundaries in this way will result in a change of behavior, but I certainly wouldn’t count on it. More important than what your MIL does is what you and your wife do in response.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Several years ago, my now adult son went for a weeklong stay with my parents. When they brought him home, his long, thick hair had been shorn. They had taken him to a barber shop against his will and without asking me. He was visibly upset. I was upset for him too, but I didn’t say a thing to my parents. They lived a distance from us, our visits were infrequent, and the damage was done and could not be undone, so other than trying to comfort my son, I did nothing. How should I have handled this situation? It still bothers me very much.
—Still Troubled, Years Later
Dear Troubled,
I can think of a number of reasons this continues to trouble you. You may feel—or he may have told you!—that this was a pivotal moment in your relationship with your son, that you are not as close as you could be, or expected to be, because you failed to stand up to your parents on his behalf. You may feel that this was a crucial juncture in your relationship with your parents: an opportunity to assert yourself with them on your own behalf that you missed. Given that your son was not a toddler or young child when this occurred, I have the sneaking suspicion that the haircutting was not an isolated incident but perhaps something like the straw that could have broken the camel’s back—but you made the decision not to let it be that, and you regret it.
I could keep on, but I won’t. What I will tell you is that it’s not too late—it’s never too late—to acknowledge to your son that you feel you wronged him, or let him down. Tell him it still bothers you. Tell him how you felt at the time and apologize to him for not feeling you could address this violation with your parents. He may ask you to explain why. It may be helpful for you to fully explore that, and not only for your son’s sake. What you “should” have done is beside the point. It’s what you wish you had done that matters, and letting your now grown son know that.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I recently took my 4-year-old daughter, “Evelyn,” to meet my brother and his wife. They’ve actually met before, but this was the first time since Evelyn’s infancy that they’ve really had a chance to interact. “Desmond” and “Mia” are wonderful people, and they were delighted by their niece. But Evelyn was upset by her interaction with them.
Desmond and Mia tease each other constantly. It’s very playful, but a lot of their exchanges sound nasty if they’re transcribed without context and body language (and, I guess if they’re witnessed by a 4-year-old who doesn’t understand context/body language). For instance, when they were talking about dinner plans, Desmond said, “I have a thought,” and Mia responded instantly, “Ooh, does it hurt?” and then Desmond said, just as quickly, “Nah, I’m not thinking about you.” They were smiling the whole time, sitting very close, but Evelyn didn’t seem to grasp that it wasn’t a serious conversation. After we left, she kept asking why her uncle and aunt hated each other. I tried telling her that this was just a way they played together, that they did it all the time, that they don’t hate each other. But I’m not getting through to her. She’s been bringing it up a lot. She seems worried about them and wants to know what we can do to “help” them. And telling her that things are really fine, and we don’t need to do anything, upsets her. What can I do?
—New Communication Strategy
Dear Strategy,
Evelyn has my heart. I believe I’d feel the same way in Desmond and Mia’s presence. I don’t experience this sort of teasing as an expression of love, no matter how much the people involved are smiling. That doesn’t mean Evelyn is right (or that my distaste and discomfort are “right” either); it just means she’s sensitive (me too). The trick here is not to try to desensitize her, to “toughen her up,” but to acknowledge her distress even as you let her know that what she witnessed, which made her sad and worried, was not what you believe to be a true representation of your brother’s relationship with his wife. You might ask her why she thinks some people might tease each other as a way of saying “I love you,” and if she can’t think of a single reason, offer some of your own thoughts on the matter. The reason your assuring her that “everything is fine” isn’t working is that it contradicts what she saw with her own eyes (heard with her own ears) and—at 4!—had the empathy to imagine how she would feel if these kinds of barbed comments were directed at her. This is a teachable moment. Use it. Both to encourage her empathy and to let her know that people are complicated and express themselves and their feelings in lots of different ways, some of which may not be obvious to us.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I keep my 2-year-old on a pretty firm schedule because she seems to thrive that way. Since she’s never been able to nap in the car or on the go, I plan our outings so we’re home for a crib nap between 1 and 3, I decline social invitations that happen over naptime, and the few times I’ve flown with her, I’ve paid extra just to make sure we’re on flights that didn’t interfere with her sleep schedule. I don’t think it will always be this strict, and as soon as she graduates from naps (in a year or so, I’m guessing) I can’t wait to have day trips and adventures that take longer than going to the library, local parks, or museums. My daughter is a happy kid who can entertain herself, and I thought we were doing fine. But recently, my mom told me, during an argument, that I was way too rigid with my daughter, that “everyone else” is more relaxed about things, and “other parents just go with the flow.” Is this true? Am I doing it wrong? I feel like I’m responding to my kid’s needs, but now I’m worried I’m creating them.
—Where is this Flow Everyone is Going With?
Dear Where,
I can tell you that Mom is wrong about how “everyone else” operates. Some do “go with the flow.” Some impose and stick to a schedule that makes sense to them and seems to work for their kids. And some follow the outline of a basic schedule but are OK with alterations to it when something comes up. The path a parent takes on this particular leg of the Great Parenting Journey is the result of a combination of factors: the limitations/freedom built into their current circumstances; their own personalities (some people are by nature schedulers, some are fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pantsers); and their responses to their kids’ needs, as they perceive them—which of course may have been shaped at least in part by their parents. So what? If you’re comfortable with the path you’re on, and your child is happy (in no small part, I’d say, because you’re following your instincts, not fighting them), that’s what matters. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is no one right way to raise a child.
But steel yourself, will you? Lots of people are going to have opinions about what you should and shouldn’t be doing when it comes to your child. Try not to take them to heart. As long as you are a loving presence in your daughter’s life, keeping her safe, well-fed, secure, and feeling supported, you’re doing it right.
—Michelle
More Advice From Slate
Recently, I ran into another mother picking up her first-grade son from the after-school program he attends with my 10-year-old daughter, Jane. Her son (let’s call him Joe) seems to have some difficulty fitting in with other kids. The boy’s mom stopped me and thanked me for having such a kind daughter who was nice to her son when very few other kids had been, and always made him feel included. I was really proud of Jane when I heard that—I was a bullied kid and I’m glad to know that she has taken my lessons to heart about being kind. However, a few days later Jane asked if she could talk to me in private and confessed that she was having some problems with Joe.
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