How to Do It
It’s like night and day.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 41-year-old poly male, married for 20 years to a largely monogamous bisexual female (she agrees with the concept of poly but doesn’t choose to engage after our trial run many years ago), and with a second partner that I’ve known as long as my wife, but with whom I only engage in sexual behavior every few years due to geography (wife is aware of other partner, and has given consent). The last time or two I’ve been with Partner No. 2, I’ve noticed that my performance in the bedroom is … legendary? That might be too much, but it’s certainly very good—excellent endurance, good control, and I seem to last for hours.
However, for a long time now, with my wife, my performance has been lackluster at best, where I seem to last for just a couple minutes (if that!) once we step into PIV. One thing that seems relevant is that on the rare occasion where my wife offers oral, I also seem to last forever.
I’ve tried to look up information on the issue, but have come up short and thought perhaps you’d have some insight. I figure it’s pretty rare for someone in my situation to even talk about this sort of thing.
—Confused Poly Dude
Dear Confused Poly Dude,
I suspect that the sheer novelty of sex with Partner No. 2, whom you see rarely compared to your wife, is invigorating you and it’s coming out in your performance. You probably have heard of the Coolidge effect (named after a joke told by President Calvin Coolidge), which describes the way that the introduction of new sexual partners can refresh one’s interest in sex . This may explain why some guys report the ability to come several times at a sex party when an average night at home means one and done. It may also explain the degree to which you’re responding to your intermittent partner.
It also may just be a matter of the ineffable quality of sexual chemistry that you have with your two partners. Sometimes our bodies respond to different people for reasons that we can’t explain. It just works. I’m not poly, but I’ve noticed something similar in sex with multiple partners. Different dudes bring something out of me. Sometimes it’s obvious why—certain traits that they have make our particular connection obvious (like a dom guy I will bottom for exclusively). In other instances, our connection is beyond words/reason. It just is. It’s just how our bodies work together and how we turn each other on, and in turn, want to express that energy.
Are you as stimulated by your wife as you are by Partner 2? There’s a way to read this situation that suggests you are: Could it be that she’s so intimately aware of your body that she knows how to get you off quickly? You paint your performance as a negative, but there are few compliments as clear for the taking as, “You just made me come so fast.” If this is not the case, though, you might want to look into ways to spice things up—kink, toys, roleplay, etc. Is she bothered by your relatively quick PIV performance? I’ve heard anecdotal reports of PDE5 inhibitors (like Viagra and Cialis) helping guys last longer, and there are even more routes to try if this is something you’re concerned about—some doctors recommend a low dose of an SSRI to help with premature ejaculation. It’s also worth considering whether your wife is adequately stimulated by you/your sex life. Ask her whether there’s anything you can do to expand your menu. If sex with Partner 2 is so good because of the chemistry you have with her (perhaps owing to the distance and infrequency of your sex, which makes it so explosive when it finally happens), think about fostering a similar feedback loop with your wife.
Generally when we see circumstantial differences like that which you describe (or as in the case of a guy who gets rock-hard erections alone but has trouble keeping it up with a partner), we chalk the issue up to something psychologically rooted. Some introspection may help you discover why your performance is varying so much between partners.
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Dear How to Do It,
How often is it typical for a guy to be able to ejaculate? I know the standard answer is it depends and everyone is different, but this is something I’ve been wondering for decades. In my teens, once every 24 hours was a stretch. Now, in my 50s, it’s about once a week with a good (or even great) orgasm.
I’m in unusually good health (based on diet, physical activity, and blood work), fertile, and I don’t have even close to negative feelings around sex. I am in a stable, emotionally healthy, and loving relationship, and I think my wife is hot three decades into our marriage. I have seen a urologist (so no related health issues), testosterone levels are normal, and I have no trouble getting an erection. Life is great.
But boy, would a few more orgasms be fun. And I’d just like the mystery solved: Are there guys out there who can ejaculate daily (maybe more often) and is it too late for me to be one of them?
P.S. The recent letter where you described 36 hours between ejaculations as “delayed ejaculation” really got me thinking. 36 hours for me would be a huge win.
—Orgasms Are Fun
Dear Orgasms Are Fun,
Firstly, I should clarify that it wasn’t the 36 (to 48) hours between ejaculations that made me suspect that the letter writer’s husband has delayed ejaculation; it was that he doesn’t orgasm easily. (Though it should go without saying, this is just a little reminder that the musings of an advice columnist are nothing compared to an actual doctor’s opinion.) Delayed ejaculation is one of those issues that is often defined by the distress that it causes (says the Mayo Clinic: “In delayed ejaculation, the delay causes upset”). One man’s stamina is potentially another’s delayed ejaculation, depending on his and his partner’s expectations.
Anyway! Yes, there are guys out there who can ejaculate daily. You’re reading the words of one of them. My ejaculatory frequency is a far cry from my teens or even 20s, and I find that going a day or two without is pretty useful for creating a nice buildup that makes sex that much more pleasurable, but sure, one a day is not an issue, and I get the sense that many of my friends are the same way. Some days/sex sessions yield more than one. However, this does not mean that you’re somehow deficient because you don’t feel the need to come that often. You asked and so I answered, but you’re better off not comparing. Leads to less despairing.
I do wish you included more information about your frequency, though. You’re ejaculating once a week. Are you trying for more? What does that look like? Starting to jerk off and then stopping? What would happen if you jerked off everyday? There’s some data to suggest that masturbation temporarily raises testosterone levels. Maybe as a result, the more some guys masturbate, the hornier they are. (Of course, refraining also has the tendency to make people horny.) At any rate, if you want to come more, masturbate more. Even if you don’t initially feel horny, and even if you don’t ejaculate, self-stimulation can kind of wake up your horniness and allow you to get into it. Also consider going for prostate orgasms—if you aren’t playing with your butt, try it. There are many kinds of prostate stimulators (Aneros is probably the most trusted brand in this genre of toys) that could help you unlock new pathways to pleasure, no erection needed. Prostate orgasms don’t necessarily lead to ejaculation, and it’s possible to have more than one in a session/day. If you’re curious, you can look them up on tube sites to see examples of how much they differ from standard penile orgasms/ejaculations.
How to Get Advice From How to Do It
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear How to Do It,
What’s the “state of the art” for reducing the refractory period? My partner and I have a pretty good sex life after 13 years, but we’re in a time of plenty and I’m learning more about her wants and needs.
I’ve always been very happy to spend a lot of time on foreplay with her, both because I deeply enjoy it and because I tend to finish quickly when we get to penetrative sex. We will often continue with me doing things with my mouth and hands after I’ve cum, but it’s also clear that she would really like to be fucked more as well. Sometimes we “luck out” and I’ll get hard again in not-too-much time, but that’s not very common.
Are there ways that we can improve the odds that I can get an erection again after ejaculating? Am I potentially looking at using a strap-on and a Clone-A-Willy as an alternative option?
—Get Back Up, Soldier!
Dear Get Back Up, Soldier!,
If there was a guaranteed method to shorten your time between boners, you, your father, his friends, and their uncles would already know about it and likely be using it. Some studies have suggested that sildenafil (the active drug in Viagra) can reduce men’s refractory period (though here’s another that did not result in such a finding). Sildenafil is easy enough to get and, for most people who take it, comes with minimal side effects that I think it’s at least worth a try. Go for it.
Otherwise, yes, a strap-on is a good alternative. Clone your willy if you like or you could switch things up with another size/shape of a dildo. Ask your wife what she’d like and whether she’s interested in this option. You might also change up positions to see if you can last longer during your first round—it’s not true for everyone but some guys come much quicker in the standard thrusting positions like missionary or doggy than they do when the receptive partner is on top.
Also, the consider various methods for prolonging your sex before you come (the first time). This column from a few years back outlines a few: mindfulness exercises and the stop/start technique among them (the latter involves, just as you may assume, stopping when you get close to the point of no return, taking a sec, and then continuing as many times possible). Breathing techniques (like those detailed in Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams’ book The Multiorgasmic Man) may also be useful. You may find intense stimulation post-orgasm (say, via porn or your wife’s dirty talk) gets you back in the game sooner. And do consider the nuclear option: Bringing in another guy. If you and your wife might be into that, he could definitely do some load-bearing.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a cis man in my mid-thirties who is recovering from a divorce. The details were wrapped up a few months ago, and while time doesn’t heal all wounds, it’s healed a fair few (the rest can be worked out in therapy). I’m not ready to date, but I am definitely ready to get laid, and hopefully regularly. My sexuality was something that was stifled in my marriage—I’ve always had a healthy appetite, which was a mismatch for my ex-wife, and she also didn’t appreciate my orientation. I allowed myself to be bullied into pretending I was straight, day-to-day, which I deeply regret. I feel like I’ve developed a lot of shame and confusion around both my identity and my libido. I have absolutely no idea how to interact with other men in this capacity (I barely have experience, just some very PG-13 fooling around on a camping trip one time in high school) and I have no idea how much sex is too much, if such a thing even exists. Also, I have kids! And no clue how to navigate being a complex sexual being who is also a parent.
I guess my questions can be boiled down to these:
1) How the hell does anyone find friendly, casual sex these days? I’ve been monogamous since 2006 and now I feel like I’ve stepped onto an alien planet.
2) Is there a way to foster and maintain such a connection without it interfering in my kids’ lives? How can I communicate this boundary in a way that is inoffensive? Is there protocol for this?
3) I’m very comfortable having sex with women, but I’d like to experience sex with men, too. How do I even start? What is there to know about safety (besides the obvious, like condom use)? Should I explain my inexperience or just let that be what it is? Do I need to disclose my status as a bi dude to prospective partners who are women or is it none of their business?
Is this even a feasible desire for someone in my circumstance or should I just wait for my kids to leave the nest?
—Pipe Dream
Dear Pipe Dream,
Completely feasible. Navigating your sexuality with your obligations to your kids just comes down to time management. If you’re sharing custody with your ex, congratulations—you have time to pursue the fine hobby of sport fucking. Even if you have full custody, you can figure this out–many parents do (babysitters and hotel rooms are your friends). Looking for partners can be the most time-consuming (and frustrating) part of this process, but at least apps allow you to do it from the comfort of your home. Granted, meeting in person is generally a better way to connect—you get to see what a person’s like through your eyes (and not their description) and you get to observe how they carry themselves, which can have a major impact on their attractiveness (or lack thereof).
Most dating apps double as hook-up apps, so Tinder might be all you need to get laid. Something like Feeld is specifically more sex-inclined (with an emphasis on kink, queerness, and ethical non-monogamy), so that might work even better for you. Often the process goes something like: You hook up with someone. If it goes well, all parties may be interested in doing it again. Do it again enough times and you have yourself a fuck bud. These relationships, like all relationships, don’t always go according to plan, but if you happen to match with someone who is like-minded and just wants a casual, semi-regular thing, you’re in luck. It will be easy to work around your obligations and constraints because the relationship’s very basis is a lack of commitment. That means, at least in theory, no jealousy or whining when you’re too busy. It means chilling out and getting together when it works for both (or all) of you. Setting your boundaries early (“I can’t on Thursdays because I have my kids then”) should be simple. If it is not, that’s a red flag and you can resume your search or proceed to the next FWB in your phone. You’re a guy in your mid-30s. No one should be surprised or offended that you have kids and resultant duties involving them.
As for the sex-with-men section of your letter, it’s really easy. Just make your way to a room full of queer men and whip it out. I’m kidding, although if you live in or near an urban area, there are probably countless places where you could do this and be welcomed with open holes. I’m talking about sex parties/clubs and bathhouses. Apps designed for men who have sex with men like Grindr and Scruff tend to be pretty practical—you convey what you’re looking for in your profile and it gets delivered to your door like Seamless. You may want to look into PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), an antiretroviral drug regimen that reduces HIV transmission by 99 percent or so if taken consistently. Doxy-PEP, in which an antibiotic regimen is taken after potential exposure, can greatly reduce transmission rates of bacterial STIs like gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis. Hook-ups with strangers can be daunting because who knows whom you’re inviting into your house (or whose house you’re going into), but physical safety is rarely an issue. You can reduce risk by staying aware (sobriety is helpful) and taking yourself out of a situation upon the discovery of red flags/general sketchiness.
Different guys will have different reactions to your inexperience—some prefer a stud with too many notches on his bedpost to count, others will relish showing you the ropes. You can be upfront about it in your profiles/conversations with dudes and see if it works as a marketing tool. But you don’t have to say anything about it—it’s highly uncommon to go over one’s sexual history before hooking up with a guy. My general rule is that you can do what you want with the disclosure of your biographical information, but it’s better not to lie. This goes for the women you meet, too. You don’t have to divulge your bisexuality up front, but if someone asks you point blank, it’s better to be honest. This may result in rejection, but someone who’s going to reject you for your sexuality doesn’t deserve your dick anyway.
More Advice From Slate
The other night, my girlfriend woke me up with a blowjob. Now, being asleep, I couldn’t technically give consent. I didn’t feel violated or victimized though; actually, I felt fantastic—it beat the hell out of any of my phone’s ring-tone alarms. My question is this: Since she introduced the act, is it OK for me to return the favor by going down on her the next time I wake up before she does? I know that the obvious answer would be to ask her permission the night before, but that’d spoil the surprise.
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