My Body’s New Development Is the Ultimate Turn-Off. I’m Doomed.

How to Do It

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I recently started a medication that gives me a dry mouth and bad breath. I do my best with oral hygiene, hydration, etc. I asked my doctor, and he just said to chew gum, so I do that too. How do I warn people about this without putting them off completely? When do I bring it up? I’ve been masking (it’s not uncommon where I live, especially in flu season) so it isn’t evident right away.

—Nasty in Nashville

Dear Nasty in Nashville,

There is no guaranteed method to avoid putting people off. You’re naturally going to alienate some people entirely. All of us have something—orientations, quirks, kinks, political beliefs, past life choices—that is a deal breaker for some segment of the dating pool. Putting ourselves out there and being told we’re off-putting is part of the dating process. At some point, you’ll meet someone who doesn’t care, has low olfactory sense, or even finds it a turn-on. There’s also a chance that your body will adjust to this medication and gum will be enough to defuse your bad breath. (And if you haven’t already, make sure you do some research on other ways to curb those dry mouth symptoms.)

As for how and when to tell the people you’re seeing, try to work it into conversation when it feels right. This means you don’t need to give a lengthy, detailed medical history on your first date. But when you’re about to start the film or walk to your next locale together, you might try, “Mint? I tend to get a bit of dry breath due to some medication.” You’ll get through this, one way or another.

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Dear How to Do It,

My girlfriend and I enjoy some light BDSM, and we’ve recently gotten into some gentle choking, with me being the choker. I say “gentle” because we have zero interest in breath play. In fact, we are terrified by it. We have read enough horror stories of things going wrong, and we are not at all attracted by the thought of asphyxiation, it makes us both queasy just thinking about it. It’s the control/power element of the choking gesture itself that turns us on a LOT. She also describes the hint of fear she feels as being exciting. I wanted to be sure of a safe technique for this, but Google only sends me back to the horror stories rather than telling me, er, how to do it.

Right now, what I try to do is to avoid any pressure at all on the front of her neck, so that any pressure applied is on the side of the neck and a little at the place where the chin meets the neck. She says this is fine. But I guess I am just looking for some reassurance that as long as there is zero pressure on the front of the neck, there is no real danger in this activity, even if I apply a little more pressure, which in the moment I sometimes feel like doing but hold back from. If I had to describe the amount of pressure I currently stop at, I’d say it’s about as much as a firm squeezing handshake. I understand that there is no 100 percent safe way to do this, but I’d like to have some confidence that I am way on the safer side so that I can relax and enjoy the moment. Right now, I end up breaking the flow by repeatedly asking her if she is fine when I increase the pressure even by a little.

—Choker

Dear Choker,

So, you’ve got veins and arteries on the sides of the neck. Some of those carry blood, which carries oxygen, to the brain. By squeezing the sides of the neck, you can block the flow of oxygen to the brain, which kills off brain cells. There’s no information on how to choke safely because it is patently unsafe. Any amount of pressure is unsafe. I’m not able to tell you how to do it, and am much more inclined to tell you not to do it. This is one of those times where a fantasy is better left in the imaginary realm.

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Dear How to Do It,

I am a woman in my mid-40s and single. Most of my life has been a web of unavailable men (yes, I’m in therapy and know it stems from my childhood and unavailable father). In 2010, a partner of mine discovered that I could squirt. The first time it happened, I was shocked, scared, and fascinated. I couldn’t believe the amount of liquid that was expelled. That said, it also feels incredible. After that partner, a few other partners weren’t able to make it happen, but since then (13 years later), I’ve discovered on my own how to do it and it’s very pleasurable.

My issue is that I find that men love a woman who squirts, but in my experience, it is short-lived or associated with porn. My longest partner since discovering this has been eight months. He loved it, but it’s also messy so we stopped having sex in his bed. Am I wrong to think that men see it as something they want to explore but not something to commit to? Or am I projecting that? I often wish I just had a “normal” sexual reaction during intercourse—clitoral orgasm—which has only happened twice in my life with a partner.

—Single Mermaid in Distress

Dear Single Mermaid in Distress,

Firstly, congratulations on recognizing the pattern in your dating life that’s leading you to unavailable men and working on changing that.

You’re far from the first woman to struggle with balancing the delight of squirting with the clean-up required. I can’t speak to what the men you’ve squirted on are thinking, but I can tell you that there are multiple super-soaking blanket options on the market. The Liberator Fascinator Throw is the one I hear about most, and it seems to work well for people. (You might also check out the few columns we’ve dedicated to the subject)

As for your wish that your body was wired differently, you can absolutely do some exploring with different clitoral stimulation techniques and toys, but clitoral orgasms may simply not be your thing. Good luck.

—Stoya

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