My Boyfriend Is Literally The Air I Breathe

I grew up in Cape-Coast with my parents but I am currently living in Accra. I moved here because of school, but I have not gone back even though I have graduated. You know how living in the capital city presents one with a wide range of opportunities that we are usually not exposed to in our towns. That’s why I chose to stay here and start a life for myself.

However, I find myself in an emotionally draining situation. It’s making my stay here hell-ish. Sometimes I tell myself my life here would have been easier if it wasn’t for this situation. However, if I am being honest with myself, it would have been a struggle. Maybe, my life would have been more peaceful, but it would not have been easy. I say this because, every time I leave the situation, I end up going back because of the benefits attached to it.

What’s this situation I keep talking about? It’s my relationship with Ibs. I met him in school. I was living on my own because I was having issues living in the hostel. He was also a student but he comes from a good home. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I didn’t have any expectations of him. I just wanted to be with a boy I was in love with. It was just enough for me to spend time with him. This is because every time I was with him, I felt content.

My God, I adored him. As far as I was concerned, he hung the moon in the sky and sprinkled the stars alongside it for garnishing effects. This guy was everything to me. He worshiped me too. His nickname for me is Gaia, the earth goddess in Greek mythology. He said, “She is the source of all life, and that’s what you do to me. You breathe life into this cold soul of mine.” See? My heart didn’t stand a chance against his smooth tongue.

His smoothness aside, he is caring too. By this I mean, he is a provider. There were things I didn’t think to ask him to do for me, but he delighted in doing them. Whenever I mentioned something involving money to him, he offered to take care of it for me. It felt nice to have my boyfriend show all these gestures as proof of his love for me. I remember telling myself, “This is the hill I am ready to die on. I have gotten myself a good man and I am not letting him go.”

The beginning of our relationship had all the marks of a typical new-love. We were inseparable. I was always laughing at something or about something because of how happy he made me. It was all dreamy. But that’s the thing about dreams, isn’t it? At some point, you have to wake up and face reality.

My reality started dawning on me when all of a sudden, I found my movements restricted. I used to have a lot of friends until I woke up one day and realized I didn’t have anyone else in my life apart from Ibs. He had bad things to say about everyone until I was completely cut off from them. I couldn’t go to certain places as well, because he did not approve. It was at this point that I started to feel I was in an abusive relationship. Nothing violent had happened yet but the whole relationship suffocated me.

I started pulling away from him as a result of this but he saw through me. If I took a step back, he would take two steps forward. We continued this dance until we got to level 300. Then he moved in with me. We lived together until we completed school. Then he moved out. Despite the changes, he continued to be the caring and loving man I fell in love with, except this time he was more possessive than ever.

Along the line, a tragedy befell him. This kind man of mine lost both his parents in a terrible accident. Life became hard for him after that time. Financially, he was still stable. But emotionally, he was a wreckage. Have you ever lived with a wreckage after an accident? The harm is already done but the damage can still hurt you if you are not careful around it. Nobody told me this.

I knew I should run when we were having a heated argument shortly after the accident. I was ironing my clothes at the time. In his anger, he yelled, “If you don’t shut up, I will burn you with that iron.” That was the first time something like that had come up. I was so confused and scared that I could not utter another word. When he calmed down, he apologised. He said he didn’t mean it. I believed him until he threatened to stab me with a knife during another argument.

Since that time, I knew my boyfriend was damaged enough to hurt me. So I started being careful. I tiptoed around him. I spoke in a softer tone. I massaged his ego whenever I felt him getting angry. Nothing I did prevented him from slapping me the next time he got angry. When it happened, I held my cheek in shock. I could not believe he hit me. Oh, but he did.

As always, he apologised and promised never to do that again. “You know I am not a violent person. It’s my anger that is possessing me like this. I didn’t know what I was doing until it happened. Please, forgive me.” I didn’t know if I should believe him again so I reported him to my family.

They haven’t met him but they know about him. They told me, “This guy is dangerous. Leave him before he ends you.” I agreed alright, but when he persisted with his apology, my heart softened. He said the sweetest words, and told me he would die if he didn’t have me in his life. “You know I almost lost everything when I lost my mum and dad. You are the only person keeping me from losing myself to this darkness that is eating away at my sanity. Please stay with me.” So I stayed.

My family got angry with me and even threatened to disown me when they found out I didn’t leave him, but I didn’t mind. “I chose love,” that’s what I told myself. Well, when my love stopped slapping me, he started squeezing parts of my body instead. He could grab my arm and squeeze it just because he was angry. If it was my leg he got hold of, so be it. And if it happened to be my throat, fair game.

Why did I continue to stay after all this? I believe he has a good heart. His only problem is his lack of control over his demons. I am saying this because, even when he is broke and I need something, he breaks his back to get it for me. As long as he is concerned, I should never lack anything. He doesn’t mind neglecting his own needs just to make me comfortable. This is what binds me to him – gratitude.

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Another reason I can’t seem to shake him off is because he never lets me go. Yes, there was a time I broke up with him. I even changed my accommodation so he wouldn’t find me. I don’t know how he did it but he stalked me until he got to know where I lived. He did everything possible for me to take him back but I refused. Nonetheless, when my rent was due, he paid half of it for me. I was touched by this. “Maybe it’s not that bad. After all, he said he has changed,” I thought.

As soon as we got back together this guy showed up at my place with his stuff and refused to leave. He had paid half the rent, so what could I have done? Now, we are living together again. God, I hate it. I know no peace because of his constant tantrums when he sees me talking to another man. When I tell him he is doing too much he tells me, “You are saying this because you don’t know a good thing when you see it. No matter what you say, I am good for you.” That’s what he believes but deep down in my heart, all the love I had for him has turned into ashes.

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He has drained me to the point where I even tried to take my life one day. But on second thought, I decided my life was too precious to waste over a man. He doesn’t get physical anymore but I have no breathing space. When I inhale, I breathe him in. When I sneeze, I breathe him out. I even dread going home when I close from work because I can’t bear to see his face any longer.

I don’t have any friends in Accra here because he hacks my phone, and sends messages to my contacts asking them to stay away from me. Some of these people are my work colleagues and acquaintances from church but he doesn’t care.

I want to leave but I don’t know where to run to. I feel stuck. I feel so drained. I just want to be free but he seems to know where I am at all times. I haven’t involved the police in this matter yet. And neither have I gone to my family about him again. They said they warned me but I didn’t listen so I am on my own. Please, what do I do to get out of this?

— Gaia

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