Care and Feeding
I think I can help, but I’d have to betray his trust.
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter’s partner walked out when her son, “Henry,” was a few months old. By the time Henry was 1, my daughter had started dating her now husband, Paul. They got married when Henry was 4. Henry is now 11. He knows his story and is largely indifferent; Paul is his dad to him. Paul and my daughter have 6-year-old twin girls whom Henry absolutely adores. But Henry has told me recently that while he absolutely loves his family, he feels left out sometimes. People seeing them around sometimes do a double take: Henry’s biological father was half Black, and Henry retains many of his dad’s features; Paul and my daughter are white, and my twin granddaughters are pale as a ghost. Henry is the only member of the family to have black hair, he’s the only one not to need glasses, and he’s the only one who likes spicy food or sports … basically, in his eyes, he is pretty different from everyone else. His family doesn’t mistreat him; he loves his dad and his dad’s family, who have embraced him. But in the household, it’s always 4 vs 1. He told me this is the case when ordering takeout or deciding what movie to watch or how to spend family time. Henry says he sometimes feels like he just simply doesn’t belong in his family.
He told me this in confidence and in all seriousness. But I feel conflicted. I’m trying to think back to what I would have wanted as I was raising my kids, and I honestly can’t decide how I would feel if my mother or mother-in-law told me something like this. I don’t want to betray my grandson’s trust, but this is an issue that can very easily be solved by my grandson just communicating with his parents. Should I try to convince him to talk to them about this? Instead of using a family vote to pick an activity, they take turns letting each of the children decide what to do, or watch on TV.
—To Tell or Withhold
Dear Tell or Withhold,
Yes, you should attempt to get your grandson to talk to his parents. Remind him how much they love him and assure him that they will take steps to make sure he feels like part of the family, but they can’t do that if they don’t know there’s an issue. Offer to be present for the conversation if he needs someone to advocate for him. However, if Henry refuses to say anything—and even if he doesn’t—you’ll need to talk to his parents for him, because the issue is a bit more complex than he might understand.
While Henry loves Paul as his father, he is still aware that, unlike his sisters, he’s not Paul’s biological child, and the difference in how he looks from his siblings may make this impossible for him to ignore. He doesn’t simply have different hair from his family; he’s mixed race, and they’re white. His parents and siblings must be sensitive to this. He may have three white biological grandparents, but if he appears Black, mixed, and/or ethnically ambiguous, that has an impact on how he is going to be treated by the world outside his home—and could exacerbate the feelings of isolation he has because of the difference in him and his family’s preferences. Henry may be able to articulate to his parents that he feels like the odd man out in his household, but I think you should also talk to them because they need to understand the importance of being mindful of his ethnicity. Not only do they need to be sensitive to him feeling like an outsider, but they also must be sure that they aren’t attempting to raise Henry as a white child.
There needs to be regular affirmation of his heritage as someone who is part Black, and they need to be able to talk to him about issues of race and to provide context for some of the experiences he is likely to have outside of his home. I would imagine that in an attempt to make Henry feel welcome within the family, there has probably been very little acknowledgment of his background. Mixed-race kids need to be familiar with all the parts of their identity, not just the ones that they share with their caregivers or siblings. Henry needs to be exposed to books and media that center Black and mixed-race experiences, and his parents should do some reading on how to meet the needs of a mixed-race child (this list from a white mom is very informative). It would be awful for him to be blindsided by an instance of racism without being prepared for the likelihood that he will encounter prejudice. Henry’s parents can’t let someone outside the house be the one to let him know just how Black he is.
Then, of course, there is the matter of Henry having different tastes and interests than his family. Encourage his parents to be mindful of situations when he may feel like it’s 4 versus 1 and to accommodate his desires, too. If everyone else wants pizza but Henry wants tacos, and he was outvoted the last time dinner was ordered, they should consider getting tacos (or ordering pizza for everyone else and grabbing tacos just for Henry.) Instead of using a family vote to decide on an activity or what movie to watch, they can, as you suggest, let each of the children take turns choosing. The parents must celebrate Henry’s differences and help him feel okay about them. Since he’s the only one who likes spicy food, they can take him to the grocery store and let him pick out some hot sauce. His parents can embrace his interest in sports by allowing him to talk at length about his favorite team, taking him to sporting events and encouraging him to join a team. They should talk about how beautiful his hair is and celebrate his features.
I understand why you are hesitant to violate Henry’s trust, but I think he would appreciate your doing so if it helped him stop feeling like an outsider in his home. It’s not reasonable to expect Henry to understand the nuance of his situation, and it’s unlikely that he will be able to adequately articulate precisely why he is feeling the way he does. You can both encourage him to talk to his parents and speak to them on his behalf; obviously, you’ll need to ask them not to tell him that you said anything. These issues will only become more complicated as he gets older, and the longer he feels isolated with in his home, the more likely it becomes that he will lash out and/or become withdrawn; worse yet, he may turn to unhealthy habits to cope with these emotions. Speak up, Henry needs you.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I (16F) work as a counselor at a local after-school program. It pays really well, my boss is very nice, and I enjoy getting to try new activities with the kids. I recently had two little boys join my group of 2nd and 3rd graders. They are brothers (7 and 9) and are really sweet, goofy kids who have adapted well to our program. They are also pale, blonde-haired/blue-eyed kids named “Rakhi” and “Bodhi,” and I am an Indian-American who was raised speaking Hindi and English.
I don’t have an issue with their names, but their mom has an issue with me. She is white, American, and does not speak Hindi but is very into spirituality, chakras, etc., and pronounces her sons’ names as “Rocky” and “Body” (like Cody). I instinctively have been pronouncing them like they would be said in Hindi (“Rah-khee” and “Bo-dhee”) because it’s my first language.
Their mom has now pulled me aside multiple times and basically told me off for mispronouncing her sons’ names, despite the fact that I have explained to her that it is literally the way their names are correctly pronounced in the language they come from, which I have spoken from birth. She keeps saying that I am “mocking” them and is now threatening to take this to my program manager, who I’m pretty positive would take my side, but I don’t want the boys to get kicked out because they haven’t done anything wrong. I can’t change my accent, and they can’t change their names, but I don’t want to spend three more months dealing with this! What should I do?
—Pushed to the Limit in Portland
Dear Pushed to the Limit,
This mom’s cultural appropriation has got to be annoying to you as an actual Indian American person who speaks the language that she cribbed her kids’ names from. However, unless your accent prevents you from saying them the way she has asked you to, you should call these boys by the names that their mother gave them (however she spells them): “Rocky” and “Body.” Names travel the globe and are often subject to being remixed (or bastardized, depending on your interpretation), with many parents choosing pronunciation that doesn’t fit with how someone native to the culture they originate from would say them. Again, I get why this has got to be somewhat painful for you to deal with this white woman who has created an identity for herself that borrows from other cultures and who chose Hindi names for her kids without regard for how they are traditionally pronounced. But continuing to say them the “correct” way isn’t fair to the kids, who deserve to be addressed by the names that they have for themselves. Focus less on how aggravating this woman’s actions are and more on making her kids feel welcome in your care.
You’ve already let this woman know that she’s not saying her kids’ names the way they were intended to be said, but there’s no moral victory to be had by continuing to do so. It may be offensive to you that she has chosen these alternate pronunciations, but you aren’t disrespecting your culture by saying the names in the way she has asked you to. If your accent makes it impossible for you to say these names as they were imagined by their mother, let her know that it is not your intent to be offensive or to mock her children, but that you simply can’t pronounce “Rocky” and “Body” and that you would be happy to explain this to her sons.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a teenage boy with a somewhat overbearing mother. The other day, we got into another argument about her being overly strict about the state of my room. She says that since I live in her house, she has the right to make sure “my space” is clean and organized to her standards. (I put that in quotations because you can barely consider my room my own personal space.) She constantly opens my closet and dresser to ensure everything is put away neatly. She found a candy wrapper in my desk drawer the other day and freaked out, saying that it would attract bugs and I would make the whole family sick. But nothing I do is ever good enough for her, and one jacket that isn’t zipped up all the way will set her off. How do I make her lay off and let me be more independent? It is driving both of us crazy.
—Worn Out
Dear Worn Out,
I’m assuming that your room is generally in good condition and tidy, and that you typically don’t leave candy wrappers around. If that is not the case, while your mother’s approach is annoying, she wouldn’t be wrong for expecting you to take good care of your space. If you do typically keep a neat room, your mother may be dealing with a condition that causes her to obsess over cleanliness and order; she could also just be really overbearing. It isn’t for you to try and figure out why your mother is so pressed about your space, but rather to try and figure out how you can best survive living with her until it is time for you to move out on your own.
If you know that you are doing an excellent job at keeping your room up, you may want to let your mother know that you work really hard to take care of your space and that it makes you feel bad when she suggests otherwise. Explain to her that while it may not be perfectly up to her standard, you are doing your best to keep your room in order. Ask her to try and be more understanding when she talks to you about keeping your space clean. She may recognize the error in her ways, but she may also double down and insist that she needs to be a drill sergeant to keep things up to par. Try to make peace with how your mother approaches cleanliness and understand that she may be unable to control herself. Think about how you feel being susceptible to her ranting and keep that in mind as you figure out what you’ll be doing after high school; living at home during college, trade school, or while working your first job might not be a viable option.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex and I have been divorced for five years and have a 10-year-old together. She has a 14-year-old son “Mike” from a previous relationship. Mike has a bad relationship with his new stepdad and a nonexistent one with his father. During the marriage, I got along well with Mike. Since the divorce, Mike will sometimes tag along during my custody time, but that is far from him living with me full time. My ex wants Mike to move in with me “temporarily.” However, she gets offended if I talk shop about the situation. I would want to have temporary legal custody and get child support (or stop paying for the child we have together so it evens out). She accuses me of abandoning Mike when he needs me. I reminded her that she was the parent here. She threatened that leaves her no “choice” but to send Mike to his grandparents out of state. I told her if she did that, it would cost her a relationship with her son. Mike isn’t a troubled kid. He does OK in school, just not so well with the new stepdad. So, we are at an impasse here. I care about Mike, but I am tired of his mom expecting me to ask how high when she says jump and I have the child we have together to think of. Is there any middle ground here?
—Ex Stepdad
Dear Ex Stepdad,
It’s very kind for you to consider taking Mike in, and it’s a shame that your ex doesn’t see that. You have set reasonable terms for such an arrangement and you shouldn’t waver on them. If you are to take care of this child, you should be able to operate as his legal guardian; that change can be made temporarily and will ensure that you are able to communicate with his school and act if he ever needs medical care. Furthermore, it’s only fair that his mother continues to contribute to his care, either by paying child support or forfeiting what she receives now.
Stick to your guns and let your ex know that you are only able to take Mike in if she is able to abide by your wishes.
—Jamilah
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