How to Do It
We finally did something about the half-hearted sex.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Mariano Garcia Gaspar/Getty Images Plus.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife (cis F) and I (cis M) are in our late 30s and have been together for 15-plus years. Our sex life started out like many do—hot and heavy, with plenty of exploration and engagement between us but nothing too kinky. As our relationship grew and evolved our sex life, while pretty regular at about once a week, became a little less intimate and sometimes felt like checking a box off our to-do list. A tale as old as time.
Flash forward and we’ve been seeing a couples counselor for about a year to help us communicate about where we both are when it comes to our sexual relationship. It has helped us see each other better and re-opened some lines of communication that we struggled with before. Through that process, we recently did one of those yes/no/maybe quizzes to see where there might be some common areas of interest for us to explore. One of the things we matched on was her being interested in “being submissive” and me “being dominant.” When we discussed what this meant to both of us, neither us of really had a clear picture of what we meant by that, even though we were both open to it.
Do you have any recommendations for “Beginners Guide to Dom/Subbing” or “Dom/subbing for Dummies”? Through our discussions, we’ve decided neither of us is looking to dive straight into the deep end, so looking for something on the lighter side to get us started, if that’s even a thing!
—How to Dom It
Dear How to Dom It,
BDSM is a wide, complex, and nuanced category within sexuality. Guides are certainly available for many facets of BDSM—bondage and spanking are two popular areas. I’d start with some of the handy guides featured in this section of Babeland’s website. Or, if you have a local adult store, you might go in and inquire about classes or instructional guides.
Regardless of whether you have a clear picture of what you want to engage in or not, that impulse probably contains some information. It’s worth returning to it and considering what appealed to you and your wife about the roles you each expressed interest in. And, while I know you took a yes/no/maybe quiz already, Bex Caputo’s version is very granular and might function as a helpful survey of a wide range of options of activities, language, and emotions you may want to include in your play.
Do keep in mind that the deep end for one person can be the shallow end for another. Continue to check in with each other about how you’re feeling and what your desires and boundaries are. Make space for interests to fluctuate and to discover new things about yourselves. And remember to enjoy your connection, no matter what form it takes.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman in her early 20s who’s still a virgin, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. The only issue is I want to start getting intimate with my boyfriend but my experiences previously with any kind of vaginal penetration have been rather painful. Even getting a swab at the gynecologist was painful.
It’s even more confusing because fantasizing about penetration is extremely arousing but the reality is it’s been painful for me and it makes me incredibly nervous about going through with it. I’ve also spoken to the gynecologist and had it looked into but there’s nothing wrong with me to explain the pain. I’ve discussed sex and the possibility of penetration with my boyfriend, and he’s totally OK with the fact that I’m not ready for it yet, but I wanted advice on how to get there. I was thinking of getting intimate with myself using toys but… I don’t really know where to start with toys. I’m not sure what kind of penetrative toy would be best for a super beginner.
—Flustered Virgin
Dear Flustered Virgin,
I’d start with fingers over toys—you have finer motor control with an actual part of your body than you do with an object, and more sensory feedback. Also, while it may be possible to find a toy that’s as small as a finger, that’s a pretty narrow category of products. However slow you think you ought to go, set your pace even slower. Use high-quality lubricant (I’m a fan of Pjur’s Woman Nude, but there are several options) and plenty of it.
Mostly, though, I think it’s worth continuing to pursue help from the medical system. Your gynecologist says there’s “nothing wrong” with you, but the pain you’re experiencing is a legitimate concern. You deserve the treatment of a doctor who wants to help you experience the kind of penetrative sex you want to have. If your current gyno isn’t interested in your broader sexual health, try a different one. See if you can find a local expert in gynecological pain.
While you’re exploring, and while you’re waiting for an appointment with a medical professional, you can essentially feel around and get as much further information as you can. Is the pain you’re experiencing on your labia or other parts of your vulva? Are you experiencing pain at the opening (or vestibule) of your vaginal canal? Is the pain further inside? The more you can understand what’s happening to your body, the better and more efficiently you can explain it to a doctor.
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Dear How to Do It,
I (42 F) have always got off using firm indirect pressure on my clit (basically rhythmically pushing from outside my labia). My partner of 15 years (45 M) is by now pretty good at my preferred technique using his hands, which is great! However, I have the best orgasms when I can get that kind of pressure while his dick is in me. We’ve only found one position that achieves that, where I lie flattish on top of him with my knees by his thighs and kind of rub back and forward over his pubic bone. But recently, that’s stopped working so well (might have to do with the middle-aged spread on both of us mucking up the angles a bit). We’ve tried using different positions and getting hands in there to do the job but it’s a bit awkward.
Are there toys that could provide a bit more clitoral pressure during missionary or with me on top leaning forward? I even thought about looking around the house for things we could try putting between us (a rubber door wedge? An outgrown baby teething toy? A silicone ice mold?) but surely something purpose-made would be better and more hygienic!
—Help With Hitting the Spot
Dear Hitting the Spot,
The OhNut comes to mind immediately. It is pretty similar to a silicone ice mold as far as texture. Usually, it’s used to prevent longer penises from going too deep, but it does have a firm-yet-squishy quality, and is made to sit at the base of the penis just like a cock ring but, crucially, is thicker. I’d try that first. As you mention, something made for the purpose of sex is ideal, and that’s the closest fit I can think of.
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend is really into the concept of me sitting on his face while he goes down on me. Hypothetically, I also find it very hot and often will seek it out in the videos I watch. But when it comes down to me actually doing it myself I freeze up! I feel like I’ll crush him, or worry about what I look like from such an unflattering angle. How do I get more comfortable with the position and get out of my head about it? I’d really like to give it a solid try.
—Face as a Seat
Dear Face as a Seat,
Your concern about crushing your boyfriend is pretty easily solvable with communication. If you have a headboard, you can use that as support while you increase the amount of weight you’re putting on your boyfriend’s face. In that scenario, it’s your job to proceed slowly, and it’s his job to give you feedback. You can also use that same headboard for support during face-sitting. Alternatively, he can use his hands to support you under your buttocks, which gives him the ability to lift you up—or at least give a little upward push as a signal—if needed.
As for what you look like from that angle, it’s worth thinking through unachievable beauty standards and how they come to bear on your life. Have there been other situations where you got hung up on what you look like? Or, to be more specific, where you were hung up on your concerns about how other people might perceive your body? If so, and you’ve worked through that, you already have a good start on getting through this instance. If you haven’t had those worries, where is this particular one coming from?
If you try to think your way through your concerns about your boyfriend’s visuals and are still stuck, you might consider dressing around your worry (for instance, wearing a corset). You also might also put your phone on the floor with the front-facing camera open, straddling it like you would straddle your boyfriend’s face, and then playing around with posing and angles until you find the body positions that present you in a way you’re comfortable. But try to do the internal work before you resort to these options.
—Jessica
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