How to Do It
I just know there’s a sexual animal lurking inside her.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 50-year-old man. My wife is 43. We have been in a very heteronormative monogamous and satisfying relationship for 18 years. I have a lot of sexual fantasies that I’d like to share with her, but when I ask her what turns her on she mostly says things like “I love to be kissed by you” or “I love how you’re a great Dad.” She has made it clear that she doesn’t have the sort of fantasies that I do. I feel like there’s a sexual animal inside her, but also worry that the fact that I can’t help her to open up says something about my virility. I don’t mean to say that I believe she is lying when I ask her these questions, but I sense or suspect that she’s holding back on me. I realize I could be wrong. She does have some sexual trauma in her past, and her mother seems to have viewed sexuality as “for men.” My wife also has some body-image issues and insecurities.
So the question is, how do I approach this issue? I want to be able to share my sexual fantasies and be more experimental with her, but at the moment, and for nearly the last two decades, our sex life has been pretty vanilla and there hasn’t been much talk about sex. I find that much of my sexual life has been relegated to solo activity with pornography, and it would be nice to be able to share this side of me with her. She becomes defensive when I broach this subject now.
—Happy Mostly
Dear Happy Mostly,
I’m glad that you acknowledge that you might be wrong about your suspicion that there’s a “sexual animal” inside your wife. Unless she’s given you a reason to believe this—it’s certainly nowhere to be found in her descriptions of what turns her on—this is likely wishful thinking. And that you follow that up immediately with, “I feel like the fact that I can’t help her to open up says something about my virility,” suggests that part (if not all) of your motivation is selfish. Perhaps there is a benevolence there—wanting your wife to be liberated and her best sexual self—but there’s little doubt you’re being driven by ego. Divest from this way of thinking. It puts undue pressure on yourself and, even worse, it puts undue pressure on her. It frames things so that she has to perform not just for her satisfaction but to reaffirm your masculinity. That’s exhausting and … not very erotic! She may just be less sexually motivated than you and/or than you would prefer, but if you’ve given off the kind of energy suggesting that your self-conception is wrapped up in her sexuality, she may have noticed this and cooled further. You could be getting in your own way.
But your dilemma is real and valid and at the very least, it would be useful to hear what your wife has to say about the gulf between your libidos. What does she propose you do with your fantasies and adventurous spirit? What you desire, at least right now, it seems, is to share. You might start by asking her if you can do so. A lot of what you wrote in your letter about yourself is worth hearing out. Perhaps one way to get her less defensive is to just lay out your case as it applies to you. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed, outside of the context of sex/the bedroom. You don’t want her to feel pressured to perform or bust out some hidden sex-animal persona. At this stage, you just want her to listen. Another route that may make this discussion easier is to kick it off in the form of a letter, especially if her defensiveness upon the broaching of the subject tends to cut off conversations. Whether via email, text, or pen-to-paper, this would allow you to get a lot out. Understand that she isn’t under any obligation to make your shared fantasies a reality, but maybe there will be something in there that she’s willing to incorporate. In the process, you get to share part of yourself that has gone suppressed for a while.
Sex advice from Rich and Stoya, plus exclusive letter follow-ups, delivered weekly.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a fat person who would like to try topping for penetrative sex, using a strap-on. However, since I have a very large belly, I’ve never really understood how I could make this work. Most strap-ons are made to be worn in a way where the dildo is positioned over the pubic mound/genital area, which makes sense, but this would make things so much harder for me since it would be challenging to reach around/under my belly to position things, especially if I’m upright or kneeling. I’ve seen some that were designed to sit higher and could potentially be worn over-the-belly, but I’m not sure if that would be safe or effective, since there would be less “control” of the area when penetrating versus the more-stable pelvis, it might make lining things up harder due to the height difference, and any pushing back from the bottom would push into my belly, where organs are (although I realize most of them are much higher up). I know things like thigh and hand strap-ons exist, but I want the option to use a more standard-style strap-on as well. Am I out of luck, or is there an option that might work for me?
—Can I Get That in Size Fat, Please?
Dear Can I Get That in Size Fat, Please?
You aren’t necessarily out of luck—plus-size harnesses in a variety of styles abound. Your concerns are valid, but I think you may need to try a few different ones in order to find something that works for you. This is true of all sex toys/aids for all sizes of people—you don’t really know how something is going to work with your body until you work it with your body.
For a little more guidance, I reached out to the sex-positive sex-toy retailer Babeland, and connected with Lisa Finn, a sex educator and marketing director for the company. From Babeland’s catalog, she presented a number of options and explained their potential usefulness, as detailed below:
SpareParts Joque Harness. This is, according to Finn, “the harness that I recommend for anybody of any body type,” as it “takes the perks of a strap-style harness and combines them with the perks of a brief-style harness.” Finn explained that it adjusts via straps “almost like a jock-strap formation” but it’s made out of soft material, and the gusset is made of underwear material. It comes in two sizes: Size A can fit up to 50” hips and Size B can fit up to 60” hips. A bonus: “Because the fabric where the dildo goes through is that underwear-style fabric, you can wear it higher up on the body and it’s not going to cut into the skin,” said Finn. A downside: The O-ring for the dildo is sewn into the strap itself, so if you’re looking to use a toy that’s bigger than 2” in diameter, this wouldn’t be compatible.
SpareParts’ Deuce Harness has a hole for a human penis, which allows for flesh-and-dildo double penetration.
Plus Size Beginners Strap-On Harness. “The thing that I like about this design that really sort of takes into account curvier bodies is that the extra fabric to keep it secure on the body is actually on the back—the support is coming from the back of the harness rather than the front, so you don’t have a lot of stuff that’s obstructing the dildo, you don’t have things that you have to worry about shifting over or under a tummy pouch,” explained Finn. “You can sort of wear it wherever you like, up or down on the stomach, because it’s just that panel held by the two straps, and the large panel in the back is what’s going to give it that extra support against the body.” This one is decidedly cheaper than the aforementioned Joque.
Fit Harness. This one wears more like a pair of briefs (no straps involved), which is easy. A potential downside? “Because it is underwear style, there’s nowhere to adjust it to make it tighter to the body,” explained Finn. “So it isn’t as secure as other harnesses, if you’re going to have a lot of movement, a lot of resistance.” Sizing goes from small to XXXL.
An alternative brief-style is the Sasha Couture Harness, which is zhuzhed up with detachable garters and a bow.
So that’s Babeland alone. I contacted that particular store because it’s always struck me as a safe space that I could go into and ask questions and receive non-judgmental, well-informed answers. That’s the in-store vibe, in my experience. If you don’t have access to a nearby Babeland, Finn said that you can DM the brand on social media (@babeland_toys), ask to chat with an educator, and be put in touch. A brick-and-mortar sex shop near you also may be worth swinging by, as it may have samples that you can try on there before you buy, as returns for this kind of stuff are rarely allowed. Other online outlets like Wet for Her and Lovehoney carry plus-size harnesses, so you aren’t just limited to one retailer. Hopefully the information imparted by Finn has pointed you in the direction of the strap-on harness of your dreams. Keep in mind that your ease of use for these harnesses may be augmented by strapping on an extra-long dildo—the longer the dildo, the easier it will be to see, maneuver, and work with.
How to Get Advice From How to Do It
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear How to Do It,
Tell me if you’ve ever dealt with this situation before: This month, I had two separate sexual encounters with men where I was their first same-sex partner. One was 45, and the other was in his 30s. Was it as weird and awkward for you as it was for me? It felt like I was taking their virginity. Most of the 150+ men I’ve slept with are DL (on the down-low), but they are seasoned DL men (meaning they have been sleeping with men for a while).
Please help me properly navigate this.
—Gen Z Gold Star Casanova
Dear Gen Z Gold Star Casanova,
As the man who has sex with men who writes this column, I suppose this question is directed at me. I have not, to my knowledge, been a gateway gay to men who previously only had sex with women. I’ve had sex with men who have told me they are bisexual, “curious,” or “confused” (it took me aback that one guy called himself “confused” with a smile, clearly preferring that label to anything more blatantly queer). I’ve had sex with men who have claimed to have very little sex with men previously but … I don’t invest too much stock in what men say about their sexual history. Men lie and shame is a punishing mistress. Labeling oneself straight or inexperienced has long been and remains a potential marketing tactic. As such, it cannot be fully trusted, at least not coming from a man who is (and will likely remain) a stranger. I believe a guy’s bad blow job or inability to take, like, more than an inch and a half of dick in his mouth without gagging, or his repeated insistence on bottoming and then inability to actually go through with it more than any official bio they give me. I’ve definitely had hot sex with guys who claim inexperience, but I’ve also seen quite a bit of sloppy or nonexistent technique, which doesn’t exactly make for a fun encounter.
I want to be clear that I don’t fault gay guys for wanting to play with guys who call themselves straight, provided that they’re also into gay guys (if they’re not, homophobia is probably rearing its head). I also don’t want to imply that the guys you reference in your letter are necessarily lying. It is possible that you were their first guy—clearly, that happens. I think it’s perfectly fine to assume they’re telling you the truth and to then go out of your way to be a good ambassador for your community. Justify their curiosity. Be generous, patient, and hot. It’s fun to be the wise one in the room and to guide the exploration. It also is, I think, a compliment that you’re the catalyst for crossover. That kind of appeal is an ego boost.
But, as you have seen, these dalliances have their price: awkwardness. Of course, that’s the product of many app-facilitated or otherwise essentially anonymous hookups—you don’t know you’re dealing with until it’s in your mouth or this close to it. It sounds like you’re navigating just fine. With guys who profess to be not particularly experienced, I think it’s also good to check in a lot to make sure that the exploring is going in a direction they’re cool with. You can always offer to just blow them or jerk off with them if things get too intense but they still want to play. Many guys (and people of all stripes) don’t like being someone’s “experiment,” so check in with yourself, too. As established, many of us are cool with being someone’s experiment, though, and so this isn’t necessarily an issue. But if you don’t feel like playing the instructor for a day, maybe swerve on these new-to-gay types.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m trying to start dating after being single for a loooong time. I’ve never liked dating, and as a 50-year-old woman, my patience for things like small talk and flirting are practically nil. I’m also on the asexual spectrum, and I just don’t know how to do this. I’ve tried a few apps, but they seem to be geared mainly toward hookups, which doesn’t interest me in the slightest. How does a nice, introverted, demisexual gal meet folks? Safely? Especially when casual sex is off the table? My life is good as a singleton, but I’d also like to share my peace with someone.
—Too Old and Too Weird?
Dear Too Old and Too Weird,
I want to direct you to a recent New York Times Magazine article called “Online Dating After 50 Can Be Miserable. But It’s Also Liberating.” It’s full of anecdotes favoring the latter section of its headline, which may give you some hope to counter your trepidation. There are also some good tips you may want to try. Jennie Young, a college professor, developed a method of using apps akin to burning down a haystack so that only the needle remains, according to the piece’s writer, Maggie Jones. The idea is to tailor your profile and app interactions so that they don’t cast the widest possible net, but the most effective net per your tastes. Jones writes:
Instead of widening her filters and her tastes, which some dating advisers suggest, she became choosier about men and their styles of communication. She responded only if they sent her a clear, personalized message. And if she wasn’t interested in a man, she didn’t just swipe left or X out his profile; she “blocked” or “removed” him (which isn’t the same as “reporting” someone for inappropriate behavior). The goal was to prevent further messages and reduce the odds those men would reappear in her feed and waste more of her time.
She also revised her profile to “repel” some men while, she hoped, drawing those who were better matches. To that end, she wrote a Top 10 list of her dating rules, which included no hookups and no messages of “Hey,” “You up?” or “What’s up?” And no 55-year-old man who says he “wants kids someday.” She also posted what she likes to do — bike, hike, write humor (emphasizing that, while it’s common to say a version of “I’m funny” in profiles, she has actually published satire). She ended with: “I can’t be attracted to anyone who doesn’t know their homonyms. I’m sorry.”
There’s a Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group with, at the time of this writing, more than 59,000 followers. This is just one potential way to make the experience less daunting for you and lead to actual connections, on which you may base emotional and then sexual ones. The process may be arduous and frustrating, but doing something there is better than doing nothing for at least then you have the chance of, as you put it, sharing your peace with someone.
Demisexuality is, of course, its own specific orientation, but there’s something about it to your advantage here: From the outside, it can look like the traditional or so-called proper way of dating. Taking things slow, getting to know each other before proceeding to sex—these are things long woven into the fabric of our culture, and while many may not share the need for or interest in them, they can get it. Even those not on or understanding of the asexual spectrum could get where you’re coming from. That said, you can list yourself as demisexual on apps/sites like Feeld or OkCupid. There are asexual-oriented apps like Taimi, and subreddits like /asexualdating and /demidating where you can meet other people with your orientation. There’s plenty out there to experiment with. Have patience and try to talk yourself out of discouragement.
For safety, meet in public first (maybe multiple times), and let someone you’re close to know where you are and with whom. If you’re super anxious about this issue, you can let your date know as well that you have given someone you trust this information, and that you’re essentially being tracked in the event of your date trying anything untoward.
—Rich
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