One question to avoid – and other etiquette tips for a joyful Christmas day

The table is set, the tree is decorated and even the pets are at their pawfect best … then along comes cousin Barry, whose idea of season’s greetings is a long-winded rant about reptilian leaders who rule the Earth.

Christmas can be a time of high emotions, but there are ways to help keep it on track.Credit: ISTOCK

The issue in your home may not be illuminati- and lizard dictatorship-related, of course; warring family members, woeful gifting practices and indulging in a little too much pre- or post-lunch alcohol all have a way of ruining what initially promised to be a fun-filled day for loved ones to get together. The best way to stop Christmas Day from becoming San Andreas, The Yuletide Edition? By setting a handful of rules in place well ahead of the occasion, but also trying to be more understanding of others’ feelings, explains Julie Lamberg-Burnet, founder and CEO of the Sydney School of Protocol.

“Christmas can be a time of high emotions for many,” she says. “This can manifest itself in different ways, from juggling family and friends’ expectations, to anticipating a feeling of being excluded and lonely. Either way, out of respect for yourself and your closest family, colleagues and friends, plan ahead and be clear about managing your own and others’ expectations.”

To help you do exactly that, we’ve enlisted the help of three etiquette experts to give us their top tips on how to keep everything streamlined (or at the very least, from descending into a goat rodeo):

Brief guests in advance

It isn’t enough to give guests a location and time and hope for the best. In order to make the day as stress-free as possible, give guests all the information they’ll need to help set expectations, advises Amanda King, director of the Australian Finishing School. “This means including dress code information, RSVP date and a request for any dietary requirements, but also what they can bring to help ease the load,” she says.

If you plan to ask guests to bring a dish, Zarife Hardy, director of the Australian School of Etiquette, does not recommend leaving things open-ended. “Be specific and assign specific dishes to specific people,” she says. “This will help you know what you have to prepare and what you don’t.”

Make yourself useful

If you’re a guest, rather than the host, don’t leave all the planning and hard work to the person who has kindly invited you to share in the spoils of the day. King suggests offering to help throughout the occasion. “Don’t only offer when you first arrive; do it during and at the end of the event,” she says. “Make sure you clean up after yourself as much as possible, and if you have your children with you, make sure they remain your responsibility.” Expecting other guests to entertain your kids is a strict no-no.

Put thought into gifting

At a time of year when everyone’s exhausted, it can be easy to fall into the trap of going with whatever is easiest, but a bad regifting moment or thoughtless voucher can lead to discord – if not on the day itself, then later.

If you’re a guest, it’s essential to take a gift for the host, which isn’t so much about the object but shows your thoughtfulness, explains Lamberg-Burnet. “This is a way of expressing your generosity and appreciation and can be as simple as homemade food items or a potted plant.” While a quality bottle of wine or box of chocolates will always be enjoyed, it’s helpful to think beyond the customary for situations that have been particularly generous, adds Hardy. “If it’s a longer stay over Christmas, for example, think about something more substantial or personal.”

For hosts, Lamberg-Burnet also recommends having a few pre-wrapped Christmas gifts on standby in case you receive a present from someone you were not expecting. “Items such as note paper, books and candles are welcomed and appreciated,” she says. “Small gifts for each guest at the table are a nice gesture, too, and a great conversation starter for adults and children.”

Perfect table manners

This is it, the part where it can all go terribly wrong, but by putting a little thought in each guests’ particular set of characteristics (and irksome traits), you can do a little advance planning to avoid potential foot-in-mouth catastrophes.

If you’re inviting guests who are relatively unknown to members of your family, it can be helpful to introduce them with an interesting fact about one another, explains King. “It could be something like, ‘James has recently come back from Europe with his family.’” Splitting up guests who know each other well and interspersing them with others whose company you think they’ll enjoy or are new to the group is also great for social cohesion, adds Lamberg-Burnet.

Drinking a copious amount of alcohol, and getting aggressive, falling asleep or opening up a dialogue about divisive issues, is also to be avoided. “No one likes a challenging conversation,” says Hardy. “Have a good time, but don’t go overboard – otherwise there’s a good chance you won’t ever be invited back.”

Finally, a reminder that asking personal questions, such as “So, when are you two going to have a baby?” is also a hard no – both for guests and for the host.

Implement these rules this Christmas and there’s every chance that it really will be the most wonderful time of the year.

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