AN idea for 2024. Instead of parliamentary elections, referendums, reality show votes and popularity contests, we simply let the BBC declare the most woke contestant the winner.
You’ve a problem with that suggestion?
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We all knew from the very first image of the night that Mary Earps was going to be declared Sports Personality Of The Year, on account of the fact she’d told someone to “**** off” while losing the World CupCredit: PA
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Hosts Alex Scott, Clare Balding and the superb Gabby Logan, who has a happy knack of making ‘Hear hear, Fatima’ sound exactly like ‘Shut the **** up, Fatima’Credit: Getty
Tough luck.
We’re already halfway there, as was confirmed by Mary Earps’ canonization at Tuesday night’s Sports Personality Of The Year.
A once mighty BBC1 occasion that’s been down-sized since the arena days, but still has to be co-hosted by Clare Balding, Alex Scott and Gary Lineker when all it really needs is the superb Gabby Logan, who has a happy knack of making “Hear hear, Fatima” sound exactly like “Shut the **** up, Fatima”.
There was also music from Pete Tong, whose presence is often a sign the BBC is trying to be young and funky, which was one of the two things that recently did for A Question Of Sport.
The other, of course, was vaulting political correctness.
Whereas on A Question Of Sport, it lurked in the background, at Sports Personality it slapped you in the face during the Unsung Hero category where they’d covered every possibly right-on base, including a woman-in-a-burka who was beaten by a bloke-from-the-Windrush-Generation, which seems to outscore everything in the Beeb’s game of woke Top Trumps.
This was merely the warm-up act, however, for the main event, women’s World Cup football — a segment that began with a minute’s hate for Luis Rubiales (Spanish FA lip kiss man) and a Maya Angelou quote delivered, with what sounded more like self-righteous relish than genuine indignation, by Alex Scott, who seems to have worked out she has no great currency unless she’s offended by something.
You could only have imagined her level of fury, then, if Mary Earps hadn’t won — an outcome that wasn’t ever likely, given the shortlist had already eliminated Josh Kerr, whose 1500 metres victory over Jakob Ingebrigtsen was one of the few BBC sporting events to have me out of my seat in 2023, and the great Ronnie O’Sullivan, who would have romped the occasion if he’d been included.
The fact he wasn’t suggests that one of two things was at play here.
The “panel of experts” was either hugely stupid and ignorant, or it wasn’t and was doing something much more calculated and political. Upshot was, though, we all knew from the very first image of the night that Mary Earps was going to be declared Sports Personality Of The Year, on account of the fact she’d told someone to “**** off” while losing the World Cup.
Harsh, I admit, but I watched every England game and can confirm that, contrary to BBC and ITV commentary box eulogies, they were dreadful.
Luckily for them, every team they played, except Spain, was even more dreadful, especially China whose goalkeeper, Zhu Yu, was such a comically disorientated figure I half thought she’d be the subject of ITV’s Vanishing Act drama, this week, until it turned out there was another one-footed corpse on the loose in Australia.
Not an opinion you could ever voice on the BBC, where they believe uncritical, blind adoration is the way ahead, even if all it actually does is betray the network’s insecurities about the women’s game, which it clearly thinks cannot withstand even the slightest scrutiny.
Cult leaders
They’re wrong. Football will always endure and thrive because it’s occasionally glorious, beautiful and thrilling but also very, very funny, so it should never feel like you’re being lectured by cult leaders, as it did on Tuesday.
The closest anyone came to challenging BBC dogma, however, was my curmudgeonly old hero King Kenny Dalglish who, to an audible gasp, muttered: “It’s not about the taking part, it’s about the winning.”
The most telling contribution of the night, though, was provided by 2006 champion Zara Tindall who said: “Winning Sports Personality Of The Year? I thought, is this a joke?”
Yes, it is.
Bias is Strictly built in
YOU could tell by the fact they let him dance last the BBC wanted Layton Williams and Nikita Kuzmin to win Strictly Come Dancing.
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Viewers are only too aware how important the BBC thinks representation is and are heartily sick of being lectured on the subjectCredit: BBC
As well as his professional background, though, Layton carried a hint of arrogance about him and a political agenda that the Beeb clearly thought was an asset but had me crossing out his name the moment he said: “I don’t think people realise how important representation is. We’re challenging gender roles and stereotypes.”
Because viewers are only too aware how important the BBC thinks representation is and are heartily sick of being lectured on the subject.
They also sense favouritism, so probably spotted the show’s second-choice winner was Bobby Brazier, who was marked out as an “EastEnders actor” just so you didn’t confuse him with “actor Ellie Leach”.
The great thing about the British public is, though, the more you push them in one direction, the more likely they are to roll back over you the opposite way and vote for Ellie, even if she did nearly put herself in Stoke Mandeville with her showdance dismount.
A pleasing outcome but, from a personal angle, one that never came close to saving a series that needed a Tony Adams figure to prick the show’s pomposity and the dreadful sycophancy of judges like Anton Du Beke, who outdid himself when he told Bobby Brazier: “I’ve read all about you going to Hollywood and becoming a big massive star. And they’d be lucky to have you.”
Words which revealed only one thing.
Anton Du Beke clearly hasn’t watched EastEnders recently.
TV QUIZ. Who spoke these words and where, last week?
“It’s not every day you get confronted by a twitching Johnson.”
A) Anna Richardson on Naked Attraction.
B) Hugo Keith, KC, at the Covid Inquiry.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In geography, Kinder Scout is the highest point in which UK national park?”
Rhys James: “Regent’s.”
Romesh: “In food and drink, Rosie Lee is rhyming slang for what beverage?”
Hannah Byczkowski: “Whisky.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Equestrian Life is a magazine for the riders and lovers of which animal?”
Saleem: “Dogs.”
And Celebrity Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “What’s the first letter of the Greek alphabet?”
Harpz Kaur: “D.”
The next question being, who the **** is Harpz Kaur?
Random TV irritations
SPORTS Personality Of The Year failing to include the Ray Clemence nutmeg or glancing header against Wales among King Kenny’s Lifetime Achievement clips.
BBC One’s Monday night Russell T Davies love-in spinning the idea that Doctor Who’s 2007 Christmas Day show was watched by “30.3million viewers” (it was 13.8million).
Beeb News anchor Sophie Raworth uttering the risible words: “Here’s our LGBT and identity correspondent Lauren Moss.”
And The Last Leg outsourcing its feeble Dick Of The Year stunts to a pair of posh, smirking bullies called Josh Pieters and Archie Manners, who made me feel sorry for Suella Braverman.
Please replace this show with something funny, in 2024, Channel 4.
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‘Tess and Claudia are the Morecambe and Wise of Strictly’Credit: BBC
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month.
I’m A Celeb, Nigel Farage: “If you were an MEP, you’re treated like the elite. Women throw themselves at you.”
Strictly, vox pop: “Tess and Claudia are the Morecambe and Wise of Strictly.”
And Charlotte In Sunderland, Charlotte Crosby’s dad, Gary: “Charlotte sometimes needs to rein it in a bit.”
Sometimes?
A bit??
DEAF subtitle of the week. Christine Lampard name-checking “Winner knockbreda” (Winona Ryder), on Loose Women, was just beaten by Sky Sports’ Billy Dodds claiming “James Tavernier takes all Rangers’ penalties and fruitcakes.” Though don’t scoff. If there’s one team likely to be awarded dubious fruitcakes, it’s definitely Rangers.
MEANWHILE, mid-hen party conga at the Queen Vic, where all the women are wearing blonde wigs, Jean Slater asks: “What is the collective noun for a group of Sharons?”
It’s a “frump”, Jean. A frump of Sharons.
Happy Christmas everyone.
Great sporting insights
SUPER John McGinn: “Credit to us for not playing as well as we did on Wednesday night.”
Simon Thomas: “Everton won’t go down – you heard it here first. And Kris isn’t the first person to say that.” And Clinton Morrison: “I’m not telling Haaland how to score goals, but if he heads it down, he scores.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV Gold
BILL MAHER’S stirring demolition of the “From the river to the sea” bigots on Real Time.
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Simon Brodkin producing what may be the first genuine laugh at the Royal Variety PerformanceCredit: Rex
Channel 4’s 24 Hours In Police Custody reminding us why it’s telly’s best fly-on-the-wall documentary series about the emergency services.
The beautiful finale of The Crown catching me off guard with the piper’s Sleep, Dearie, Sleep lament for the Queen.
And Simon Brodkin producing what may be the first genuine laugh at the Royal Variety Performance since Will Hay slayed George V at the 1930 show: “People always want to know if my stunts go wrong. Occasionally.
“Late 2019, I broke into this laboratory in Wuhan . . .”
Lokkalike of the week
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Bobby Brazier would certainly dazzle as a young Mick JaggerCredit: Supplied
THIS week’s winner is Strictly’s Bobby Brazier and a young Mick Jagger.
Emailed in by Richie James.
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