John Nicholson is on the last lap of his three-month hospital stay after suffering a massive stroke so he has time to think about the dirty sods of football.
Here are 10 of his favourites…
Ron Harris
His nickname says it all. ‘Chopper.’ That’s what he did; he used his body to chop down the opposition.
His reputation was fearsome and he took full advantage of the lax laws which allowed for a full body assault that drew blood, without a card. Single-handedly ruined Eddie Gray in the 1970 FA Cup final by stamping down his calf. Every side had a tricky winger, it was Ron’s job to stop them by any means possible.
Made 795 appearances for the Chelsea and captained the side to European and cup glory. Looked like he belonged in a Jason Statham movie. Spoke in unreconstructed Cockney accent which usually sounded menacing. Was incredibly hard, one of his stares would be a red card these days. Could play a bit too, but preferred hurting people.
From an entirely different era where it was a valid tactic to injure someone. It was a sign of your quality if Chopper came for you. Take it as a compliment, my son.
Mick Harford
The very embodiment of a hard man. He used his head as a literal battering ram. Superb if limited striker, largely because no one could go toe-to-toe with him. Played 582 times for 11 clubs. Twice for England. Won the League Cup with Luton for a whom he’s a bit of a legend. I saw him playing for Sunderland. He threw players around or they bounced off him.
Seemed indestructible and would never show any pain, as was traditional. 186 goals in nearly 600 games tells it own story about his prowess as a goalscorer. Successfully fought prostate cancer; it never stood a chance.
Stig Tofting
For a start, he looked like a homicidal maniac. Impossible to hurt, played in a tough midfield with Thomas Gravesen for Denmark. Was part of Bolton’s ‘he was using Prozone you know’ team of sophisticates that brutalised their way into the top ten via Kevin Davies’ buttocks. Capable of a very rash tackle. Would pay to see him and Chopper Harris stripped to the waist, on the cobbles, mano o mano. Once headbutted a cafe owner and spent four months in chokey. Might not have been a footballer at all, despite playing for 14 clubs.
Duncan Ferguson
The big man had a slow-burning fuse that once ignited was a one-way ticket to the hospital. Played over 260 times for Everton and Newcastle. Did jail time for assaulting St Mirren’s John McStay. Would happily beat the living jobbies out of anyone. Had eight red cards and they were often very red. Genuinely unstable. Now manager of Inverness Cally. Don’t break into his house.
Razor Ruddock
Seems nice these days. Took the Larry Lloyd physique approach to post playing career and bloated right up, but as a player mercilessly wound up players. If you were wondering whose finger was up your bumhole, it was Razor playing the hard-to-beat centre-half for ten different clubs.
Six feet two, he would literally tear you a new arsehole, most prominently for Liverpool and Spurs but also Southampton and West Ham. Was genuinely feared. Has spent years trying to undo a very well-deserved reputation.
Roy Keane
Has done well, post-playing career, out of his hard man reputation but it’s worth bearing in mind that for all Roy was a resolute defender, he was also prone to psychotic fouls which hurt people. Plenty of players took one step back when coming up against him. Never took a backward step and admitted trying to maim people and not being bothered. Many claimed to be shocked but anyone who saw the man below him on this list just laughed. This was how you did it.
READ: Roy’s rage: 25 of Keane’s most cutting lines as a pundit…
Graeme Souness
The master. Time can diminish the power of a player but not Souness. Had a terrifying I will-beat-you and-tear -out-your-entrails attitude. Games were lost in the tunnel standing alongside the forever-bubble-permed Scotsman. His time as player-manager of Rangers was a time of extreme violence dressed up as commitment. Genuinely terrifying.
Famously played in the winning Liverpool machine but was at his violent best playing for Middlesbrough where he played in Jack Charlton’s title-winning team as a midfielder/chainsaw. You are significantly less masculine. Still has a glint in the eye when he sees a dirty tackle. Was born to go over the ball.
READ: Sky Sports will be a very different place without Souness and Stelling
Stuart Pearce
His thighs alone were a thing of wonder. Made the weedier boys cry. Wasn’t a dirty player but was hard as nails, almost comically so. Would have cut off his foot rather than show any pain. Is definitely going to win that 50/50 so you might as well back out now. Accent is unreconstructed Shepherds Bush. Has experience of the mosh pit, where you’d like to think he can hold his own. Will kick anyone up into the air, even if you’re on his side. Ask Ruud Gullit.
Patrick Vieira
Back when Arsenal were really good and not a watery facsimile of Man City, Paddy was imperious. Blessed with a fierce physique, he was massive with huge legs and you didn’t mess with him. Unlike some on the list, wasn’t hard for its own sake. Could really play and had famously telescopic legs. Held that Arsenal midfield together and was always a goal threat.
READ: Rewatch Keane v Vieira and tell us football is better now…
Terry Hurlock
Mostly lower-league assassin. His reputation went before him. The hard man’s hard man. Often deployed to beef up a dilettante midfield and put some steel into a team. Looked ragged and wild. Seemed born to block the ball. Could play but got his kicks tackling people around the hip. From the 80s when aggression and violence were thought to be part of the entertainment, Terry was an expert in surgery using your feet.
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