Colbert Contrasts ‘Well Meaning, Elderly’ Biden With ‘Malicious, Elderly Rapist’ Trump After Special Counsel Report

February 12, 2024 @ 9:37 PM

Stephen Colbert finally had a chance to really weigh in on the special counsel report on Joe Biden’s handling of classified documents during Monday’s “The Late Show,” and he wasn’t all that impressed.

Colbert of course pointed out how the report essentially functioned as an irrelevant ad hominem attack on Biden. But he also took aim at what the report said about Biden specifically, and used it to make a point about the election.

Biden may be a “well meaning elderly man with a poor memory,” Colbert argued, but Donald Trump is a “malicious, elderly rapist.” Saucy! You can watch the whole monologue above now.

Prior to this segment, Colbert opened the monologue by talking about the harsh winter storm meteorologists have predicted for the east coast, and then he brought up the Super Bowl for a little bit. This brought him to the subject of Biden.

“Last Thursday, we finally got the report from the special counsel investigating Joe Biden’s retention of classified documents,” Colbert explained. “Robert Hur’s investigation found insufficient evidence to charge the President with any crime but the report did contain one bombshell: After a 15 month investigation, Special Counsel Hur has determined Joe Biden is old.”

“And I’m sorry you all had to find out this way,” Colbert continued. “Turns out he’s not just old. Hur said the president could be described as ‘a sympathetic, well meaning elderly man with poor memory.’”

Colbert then noted the problem there. “Kind of going off road in a report about classified documents,” Colbert said as he pretended to be a jury foreman. “Your honor. Your Honor, we the jury have reached a verdict: We find the defendant not guilty of murder. But he is ugly and his mother dresses him funny.”

“Now, here’s the thing, is that, we fact-checked this last Thursday and it turns out Joe Biden is old. And I said doublecheck today, and it turns out he’s older,” Colbert added.

“Now maybe that’s a problem, maybe that’s not. One thing’s for sure — that a lot of Democrats panicked about it,” Colbert continued, joking about several prominent Democratic consultants doing that.

“Some people begged Biden’s teams to improve the lighting in his public appearances. There you go, because under a harsh fluorescent bulb, Biden looks like this, but in natural light he looks like this,” Colbert said, showing first a photo of how Biden looks, and then a photo of Timothee Chalamet’s head photoshopped onto Biden’s body.

“Some say it’s the lighting, other democratic operatives are pushing for Biden to use better makeup. Explains Maybelline’s new slogan, ‘maybe she’s born with it — maybe she’s the only thing standing between us and the complete collapse of American democracy,’” Colbert said as he got to his main point.

“Here’s the thing: Hur’s extracurricular description of the president reinforces a concern many voters already have about his advanced age. But we are where we are. Unless something drastic happens, it’s Biden versus Trump,” Colbert explained. “Voters are just going to have to choose between the sympathetic, well meaning elderly man with a poor memory, or a contemptible, malicious elderly rapist with a poor memory.”

For those catching up, the report on Joe Biden’s handling of classified documents unambiguously cleared him of criminal wrongdoing but nevertheless included several irrelevant and unsupported personal attacks, which has drawn criticism from legal experts. Read more about it here.

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