In our weekly series exploring men in love, or attempting to be in love, we flip the cards a bit and take a look at some things women do that men find a little… weird.
My initial reaction to seeing an odd-looking pop-up that read “20 hot singles near your area” was jaw-dropped, with eyes glued to the screen, and an audible “wow.” It’s taken nearly a decade and many unsuccessful dry spells on the apps to realize that the internet had, in fact, lied to me in my teenage years. If finding a match as a woman feels like standing near a busy metro line, doing the same as a man feels like racing against the clock to catch the last local of the day.
Why is that? Apart from the rather unsavoury reputation earned by our brethren, the numbers tell an interesting story. An app optimization tool, AppTweak, shared a statistic last year revealing that Tinder had a ratio of 21.9 per cent women to 78.1 per cent men. In contrast, Bumble boasted the most balanced ratio, with approximately 43 per cent women and 57 per cent men. Similarly, a study done by OkCupid found that women find 80 per cent of men unattractive or “below average.”
Image Credits – Columbia Pictures. Still from ‘Misery’ (1990)
Yet, even if you do find yourself among the chosen ones, the challenge doesn’t end there. An annoying number of conversations on dating apps start with a “hey” and end with a “hmm,” with seldom anything interesting said between them. While chemistry and banter do play a major role in advancing a connection, there are a few “icks” that men encounter but are rarely discussed.
Sharing some of his “icks,” a 27-year-old media professional who goes by the name “Sundar B. Hole” writes: “Abject narcissism or posturing without any of the wit or aesthetic understanding to pull it off. Many people don’t really know how to present themselves as adults on the internet or strike up a conversation with a stranger in real life. It shows and often makes me feel like I’m talking to a teenager, even though they’re well into their twenties or thirties.”
For the 26-year-old PR Manager, Kabeer Khan, it’s when someone mentions ‘Moderate’ or something related to community or religion; it puts him off. And the classics, of course, include personalities based on 90s TV shows or similar sitcoms that haven’t aged well.
My time on the apps has also introduced me to the bizarre phenomenon of heavily edited photos, which, in hindsight, seem a little counterproductive, considering the intention is to meet someone without filters. Regarding how he deals with this, Sundar tells me that he tends to swipe right on these profiles, adding, “this is connected to people not understanding how to present themselves. But to some degree, I also wonder if filtered-up photographs (as a significant marker of the mid-2010s) are outdated pictures that may not accurately represent someone’s current appearance.”
Then there are a few instances of coming across profiles with a laundry list of expectations, ranging from height requirements to questions about one’s bank balance. While Kabeer believes, “it shows that their requirements for what they want are real,” adding, “Even if people have a detailed answer to their prompts, it feels more honest and attractive compared to wannabe witty prompts.” Sundar, however, has a different take: “Having an overblown list of preferences isn’t really telling me anything about you other than that you expect a complete stranger to care about your needs and wants. Sexual/romantic availability, strict no-nos, and boundaries are fine to put upfront, of course. But get real, you and the rest of this app are swiping left and right while zoning out in bed and procrastinating. Lower your standards, or at least make your first impression on people less entitled.”
And when you do get the match, there comes the challenge of keeping it. While some men get real creepy real fast on chat, some members of the opposite gender tend to keep things rather too dry, or worse, boring. Call it patriarchy or conditioning, the onus of keeping the conversation interesting mostly falls on men, which can get tedious at times, as Kabeer suggests: “The bland and basic replies. It’s an instant red flag if they are making no effort in the conversation. I feel like a stranger is just playing games with me while I am actually trying to get to know them.”
Sundar seems to have found a solution for this: “While I’m no big fan of dating apps, I think they’re great when you and the person on the other side are proactive about finding something together to get yourselves off the app—even if it isn’t overtly said. Often I’ll find people who are more interested in talking about common interests than they are in actually exploring said common interests in fun ways IRL. It can get a bit tedious. If you can foresee great conversation with someone, do it in person and let each talk have a beginning and an end when it’s digital.”
How can we change this? Establishing new cultural etiquettes or breaking free from old practices can make a significant impact. I personally prefer receiving unfiltered and brutally honest responses from my matches when the conversation isn’t clicking, or “vibing”. Regarding this, Kabeer points out, “I’m certain that the gender ratio on dating apps is highly skewed, and this affects how women engage in conversations. They have plenty of options to choose from (which is great for them), but it doesn’t leave much room for error on the guy’s part. In real life, you wouldn’t constantly need to come up with intriguing topics to sustain a conversation.”
Sundar adds, “I believe it’s essential to be straightforward and intentional, especially when dealing with a lack of interest. It’s better to politely decline and move on, rather than wasting both of your time. Also, provide a guy with something to work with – two photos and a mundane quote aren’t very engaging.” But would this resolve the issue? Ideally, yes, but in the real world, as Sundar puts it, “Most men don’t seem to care and continue swiping regardless.”
Image Credits – UnSplash
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